Will Ferrell credited as playing...
Sherlock Holmes
- Dr. Grace Hart: Shall we begin the autopsy? Dr. Grace Hart.
- Watson: A woman doctor?
- Holmes: Impossible. Fortunately we have a *real* doctor here.
- Watson: Would you like some heroin?
- Watson: [referring to Holmes being sick at morgue] Are you sure you wouldn't rather wait here because last time
- [gestures vomiting and diarrhea]
- Holmes: I told you, that was merely a bout of stomach influenza
- Watson: Yes, but the time before that?
- Holmes: Bad clams.
- Watson: And before that?
- Holmes: I shook hands with a prostitute.
- Watson: What a perfect day for a picnic at London's greatest spectacle, the Anglo-American Exhibition, a celebration of that special relationship between our nation and yours.
- Dr. Grace Hart: Yes, such a special relationship between these two nations. Although, I could never live in a country with an unelected ruler, like the Queen.
- Watson: [scoffs] Whyever not?
- Dr. Grace Hart: In America we have democracy. Our president is a person our people have all chosen, an assurance that only the finest and most qualified man will lead, not a wealthy tyrant who cares for nothing but himself.
- Watson: But you have the electoral college, which surely would prevent some trumped-up charlatan from gaining power.
- Dr. Grace Hart: Not always, unfortunately.
- Holmes: It would be great to have a strong businessman.
- Watson: But a showman as well. I love a good show.
- Holmes: America. We gave you your freedom and now look what you've done with it.
- Holmes: [applying physics and geometry to killing the mosquito] Angle of approach. Compensate for warp in floor. Count for resistance due to dust motes. Probable outcome, termination of mosquito. Integrity of bee habitat maintained. Deadly bee swarm averted.
- [Holmes swats the mosquito in one hit with the oar, killing it]
- Watson: The mosquito's vanquished.
- Holmes: It's a simple matter of geometry, entomology and physics.
- Holmes: [the glass creaks and shatters, releasing the killer bee colony] Oh, my God!
- Watson: [holding the camera by its tripod] Your Majesty, do you think I could have a picture of us together?
- Queen Victoria: But who is going to take the photograph?
- Watson: Oh, no, I'll take the photograph. You see, it's a type of a self-photograph. I can take it, and I will be in it also.
- Holmes: You know what? I find, to take the most attractive photographs, you need to purse your lips together like a duck-billed platypus.
- Watson: Platypus face. Chins up.
- [pursing lips with Watson]
- Watson: Hey.
- Holmes: Hey. Hey, girl. You know, maybe over by the window. The lighting's much better there.
- Watson: Yes, yes, capital idea.
- [swinging the camera into the Queen's face, knocking her out]
- Watson: Oh, God.