Johnny Galecki credited as playing...
Leonard Hofstadter
- Penny: [Penny turns over the sofa cushion to hide the paint spot on Sheldon's seat] There! Looks fine, right?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Mmm... butt print. There's not discernible butt print.
- Penny: Oh, come on.
- [Sits on cushion]
- Penny: There! Butt print.
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's too small and too... perfect.
- Penny: Thank you!
- Penny: [after unsuccessfully trying to clean the paint off Sheldon's seat] What are we going to do?
- Leonard Hofstadter: We? No, no, no. You had your chance to be "we" for like a year and a half now. Right now you are you, and you are screeewwwed!
- Penny: There, nice and comfy, cozy. 0-0-0.
- Sheldon Cooper: There's one more 0. You forgot the time perimeter.
- Penny: Sit on the damn couch.
- [sniffs the couch, slowly sits, for barely an instant]
- Sheldon Cooper: Nope.
- Penny: What do you mean "nope"? What's wrong with it?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Nothing! It's what's wrong with him!
- Penny: It's exactly the same...
- Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, Penny, I think I know what to do. Sheldon, I have some bad news.
- Sheldon Cooper: More?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you on Monday nights?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes, from Szechwan Palace.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Szechwan Palace closed two years ago.
- Sheldon Cooper: What? Where did my cashew chicken come from?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Golden Dragon.
- Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon drops into the spot] No. No, this isn't right. No, our food always comes in Szechwan Palace containers.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, well before they went out of business, I bought 4000 containers. I keep them in the trunk of my car.
- Sheldon Cooper: But - oh this changes everything.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I thought that might take his mind off the cushion.
- Sheldon Cooper: What's real? What isn't? How can I know?
- Penny: You did make that up right?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I wish I had.
- Sheldon Cooper: Leonard?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, buddy?
- Sheldon Cooper: I still don't like this cushion.
- Sheldon Cooper: Hello, Penny.
- Penny: Hello, Sheldon.
- Sheldon Cooper: You're in my spot.
- Penny: Are you planning on sitting here?
- Sheldon Cooper: No, I'm going to the comic book store.
- Penny: Then, what difference does it make?
- Sheldon Cooper: What difference does it make?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Here we go.
- Sheldon Cooper: That is my spot, in an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be 0-0-0-0.
- Penny: [blank stare] What?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Don't sit in his spot.
- Penny: Fine.
- [changes spots]
- Penny: Happy?
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm not unhappy.
- [Sheldon exits]
- Penny: Boy, I love him, but he is one serious wackadoodle.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [trying to tell Sheldon that Penny accidentally made a mess of his cushion] You know what the best thing about friends is?
- Sheldon Cooper: They don't talk incessantly for no particular reason?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, friends forgive the little things.
- Penny: You know, I'm gonna go home and wash my hair, so...
- Leonard Hofstadter: Don't you dare, missy!
- Penny: Oooh, is this one of those paintball guns?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, you ought to come with use sometime.
- Penny: Oh, no thanks. I'm from Nebraska; when we shoot things it's because we want to eat 'em or make 'em leave our boyfriends alone.
- Sheldon Cooper: I have no faith in your dry cleaner.
- Penny: Why not?
- Sheldon Cooper: Did you notice the sign on his counter? He's not a full-time dry cleaner. He also makes keys.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, for God's sake, Sheldon.
- Sheldon Cooper: Focus is important. Was Michael DeBakey a wedding planner in between heart transplants? Did Alexander Fleming moonlight as a hairdresser? "Thanks for discovering penicillin. Now how about we try a bouffant?"
- Howard Wolowitz: [phone rings] Ooh, looks like I'm gonna have sex tonight. Hey, baby...
- Penny: [to Leonard] His right hand is calling him?
- [last lines]
- [to Leslie, Howard and Raj]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Where are you going?
- Leslie Winkle: Surrender, then Denny's.
- [before the paintball match]
- Sheldon Cooper: There's just one thing before we start.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What is it, Sheldon?
- [Sheldon shoots Penny with his paintball gun]
- Penny: What the hell?
- Sheldon Cooper: That was for my cushion!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, Penny was our only hope!
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, Leonard, but revenge is a dish best served cold.
- Penny: Screw that!
- [Penny shoots Sheldon]
- Sheldon Cooper: She can't shoot me, she's dead!
- Leonard Hofstadter: [to Penny] He's right, you can't.
- [shoots Sheldon himself]
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, if we're going to descend into anarchy...
- [shoots Leonard]
- Leslie Winkle: Howard, I got the approval for the rapid prototyper you wanted.
- Howard Wolowitz: That's great, Leslie, thanks.
- Leslie Winkle: You scratch my back, I scratch your back. Meow!
- Rajesh Koothrappali: What was all that about?
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, uh, no big deal, they gave Leslie control over some unrestricted grant money.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, okay, but what's with the "back scratching" and the "meow."
- Sheldon Cooper: I believe the "back scratching" metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to second party in compensation for a similar action.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [sarcastically] Thank you.
- Sheldon Cooper: The "meow." That sounded to me like an African civet cat.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Are you done?
- Sheldon Cooper: No. Despite what the name suggests, the civet cat, is not a true cat.
- [pause]
- Sheldon Cooper: Now I'm done.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking, Howard wasn't making a back scratching metaphor. I'm thinking there was some actual scratching involved.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What about it, Howard?
- Howard Wolowitz: Okay, I didn't want to say anything, cause I know you and Leslie have a little... history.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't care about that.
- Howard Wolowitz: Great, 'cause I've been dying to say something.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You and Leslie?
- Howard Wolowitz: In the paintball shed! Twice!
- Sheldon Cooper: Is that why you didn't cover our escape, and let us get cut down like animals?
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh yeah, sorry about that.
- Sheldon Cooper: My good man, dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy is a court martial offense.
- Howard Wolowitz: Court martial, schmort martial. Leslie Winkle is the fifth girl I've ever had sex with!
- [pause]
- Howard Wolowitz: I mean for free.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why don't you just eat in your desk chair?
- Sheldon Cooper: Why don't I just eat in my desk chair?
- Penny: Here we go.
- Sheldon Cooper: That is my desk chair. That is where I work. I don't eat in my desk chair and I don't work in my spot. I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [to Penny] Wackadoodle.
- Howard Wolowitz: You know, there's kind of an obvious solution here.
- [to Raj]
- Howard Wolowitz: Get up.
- [places Raj's cushion in Sheldon's spot]
- Howard Wolowitz: There, problem solved.
- [Raj whispers in Howard's ear]
- Howard Wolowitz: Nobody cares where you're gonna sit, you're not crazy.
- Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated and we transplanted a dog's head in it's place, would that be problem solved?
- Leonard Hofstadter: If it were your head, it would be.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: [the guys just found out that Howard has been hooking up with Leslie] Plus you got a rapid prototyper. That's an expensive piece of equipment, dude!
- Leonard Hofstadter: The rest of us have had our budgets cut to the bone.
- Howard Wolowitz: OK, one way to look at this is that I'm getting new equipment and you're not, and that's unfair. But a better way to look at this is that I'm getting sex and you're not, and that's delightful!
- Sheldon: Hello, Penny.
- Penny: Hello, Sheldon.
- Sheldon: You're in my spot.
- Penny: Are you planning on sitting here?
- Sheldon: No, I'm going to the comic book store.
- Penny: Then what difference does it make?
- Sheldon: What difference does it make?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Here we go.
- Sheldon: That is my spot. In an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system that spot at the moment I first sat on it would be 0-0-0-0.
- Penny: What?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Don't sit in his spot.