Neil Patrick Harris: Barney Stinson

The Three Days Rule

Barney Stinson

Ted Mosby: The three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Barney Stinson: Jesus.
Marshall Eriksen: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney Stinson: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait three days thing. He waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he only had waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't even have heard that he died. They'd be all, like: "Hey, Jesus, what up?" Jesus would probably be, like: "What up? I died yesterday." And then they'd be all: "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude." And then Jesus would have to explain about how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be, like: "Uh, okay, dude. Whatever you say, bro."

Barney Stinson: He's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days: Three.
Ted Mosby: Okay, I promise I'll wait three days, just please stop talking.
Barney Stinson: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, like: "Oh... Jesus is dead." Then - BAM! - he bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman. Because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.

Barney Stinson: [reading Ted's text message to Holly] "Texty Text"? Ted, what were you thinking?
Marshall Eriksen: We should tell him it's us.
Barney Stinson: Yes, we should. Or, we pretend we're Holly and mess with him.
Marshall Eriksen: Let's do that.

Stan: Got to head to work.
Barney Stinson: Will you be... Will you be back?
Stan: I'll be back when the wind and fates and chance bring me back. Which will be tomorrow. It's cheese steak day.

Marshall Eriksen: Why in the world would Ted text a girl he barely knows that he sometimes has gay dreams about me?
Barney Stinson: Whoa. Slow your roll. You? He's clearly talking about me.
Marshall Eriksen: Dude, it's me. I'm his best friend.
Barney Stinson: Okay, one: that has never been proven. Two: If anyone were to have gay dreams about one of us, it would be me. I mean, look at me. Now look at you.
Marshall Eriksen: Here's the thing, Barney. I'm snuggly. You're not. Who wouldn't want to snuggle up next to this business on a Sunday morning? Wrapped in a comforter, and it's raining outside, And there's muffins warming in the oven. I'm cuddly, bitch. Deal with it.
Barney Stinson: I work out every day. If there is one thing we know about Ted, It's that he likes a nice body. This body would rock his world.
Marshall Eriksen: Ted and I have a history. I know what he likes. There are things I could do to him that would blow his mind - - Why do we keep trying to have sex with Ted?
Barney Stinson: I don't know. It's weird.

Barney Stinson: Well, if Ted won't say it, I will. I love you.
Stan: That's cool. Still nothing, huh?
Marshall Eriksen: Maybe he's not in love with us.
Barney Stinson: How can he not be in love with us? We're everything he's looking for.
Marshall Eriksen: I don't get men.

Ted Mosby: Check it out. I just got that girl's number. See? Holly.
Barney Stinson: Nice! Girls with "ly" at the end of their names are dirty. Carly, Shirly, Lily.
Marshall Eriksen: Hey!... all right, it's true.
Barney Stinson: Don't even get me started on girls whose name should end in "ly", but instead end in I. Those girls are like roller-coasters. You've got to wait in a long line, but once you get up there, you just hold on for dear life and hope you don't lose your keys.

Ted Mosby: The three days rule is stupid. I propose a new rule, the "you like her, you call her" rule.
Barney Stinson: I'm sorry, I don't speak "I never get laid".

Marshall Eriksen: Look, it's been a while since Ted really liked someone. He's clearly got a lot of crazy stored up. We just we thought we'd get him to say "I love you" before he even makes contact with this girl
Barney Stinson: And you can tell it's on the way. He's exhibiting all the telltale signs.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah. One: He joked about getting married.
Barney Stinson: "You like architecture?" "We should get married". "Ha-ha. LOL. Just kidding. Question mark?"
Marshall Eriksen: Two: He made a crazy way-too-soon trip suggestion.
Barney Stinson: "I like beer, too". "We should totally go to Germany together". "LOL. JK. LOL".
Marshall Eriksen: And three: He got way too personal way too soon.
Barney Stinson: "Yeah, my parents got divorced a couple years back. "It was really tough. LOL."
Robin Scherbatsky: And he clearly doesn't know what LOL means.

Marshall Eriksen: Hey, look at this guy. How's it going, uh, best friend of 12 years?
Ted Mosby: Well, it's kind of weird, But, uh, I had this crazy dream the other night. It's a little embarrassing.
Barney Stinson: You can tell us, Ted. This is a safe space.
Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, your feelings are perfectly natural, buddy.
Ted Mosby: Okay. Here's what happened. So I'm at...
Narrator: And then I proceeded to waste a half hour of those bastards' lives,telling them about this dream I had where I ate dinner with my top five architects
Ted Mosby: ...And then, at the end of the meal, Frank Gehry slides the check over to I. M. Pei, and he says, "Buddy, tonight, your name is I. M. Paying. " Buckminster Fuller almost did a spit take. And then I woke up.
Marshall Eriksen: So, that-that's it?
Barney Stinson: No other dreams? Nothing confusing or erotic?

Marshall Eriksen: Ted, you know how at some point in the future, Machines will rise up against us?
Ted Mosby: Sure.
Marshall Eriksen: So, the machines - they've killed everybody, And all that's left Is you, me... And Barney. Which one of us would you, like get with?
Ted Mosby: Why do I have to get with one of you?
Barney Stinson: The machines are forcing you. They want to watch. That's just how they get down.