Charlie Sheen credited as playing...
Charlie Harper
- Alan Harper: [referring to resisting the temptation to romance his receptionist] I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the "Blue Man Group".
- Charlie Harper: [turns aside and yells] Berta! Hide the vacuum cleaner!
- Berta: Well, everybody makes that mistake once. I crossed that line in the '70s when I was cleaning house for Mr. Telly Savalas.
- Charlie Harper: You're kidding. TV's "Kojak"?
- Berta: One and the same.
- Charlie Harper: What happened?
- Berta: What do you think happened? He's Greek, a man of passion. You can't tie your shoes around those guys.
- Charlie Harper: That's rough.
- Berta: You bet your ass it's rough.
- [Alan walks in]
- Alan Harper: 'Morning.
- Charlie Harper: 'Morning.
- Berta: So, Zippy. I hear you've been sinking your putts on the company golf course.
- Alan Harper: Thanks for telling her.
- Charlie Harper: Thanks for telling *me*.
- Berta: Word of advice: It may seem like fun and games at the beginning, but mark my words. Sooner or later, you're gonna wake up with a broken heart and a lollipop stuck to your keister.