Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House

Not Cancer

Dr. Gregory House

Dr. Gregory House: How many friends do you have?
Lucas Douglas: Seventeen.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously? Do you have a list?
Lucas Douglas: No, I knew this conversation was really about you, so I just gave you an answer so you could get back to your train of thought.

Dr. Eric Foreman: We need to remove the eye.
Dr. Gregory House: It's her only working eye.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We could remove the other one, but since it's not killing her, I thought this way was less insane.

Dr. Gregory House: Brain's clean. Moving on.
Dr. Remy Hadley: To where? We've gone from making no sense to making less sense and then taking a step backward.

Dr. Gregory House: What did Wilson do for me?
Dr. Chris Taub: [ignores House] If the donor had an infection that somehow slipped by a screening, it could lay dormant...
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Five organ systems hit. Would need five infections for it to somehow slip by screening.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, sure, he made me laugh on a rainy day, made me see the colors I never knew...
Dr. Remy Hadley: None of the donated organs were hit. Means whatever they got came from the donor's blood.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: That wouldn't help us narrow down what...
Dr. Remy Hadley: It narrows down who. Corneal transplants are bloodless. It means Apple's gonna be fine.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You secure enough in that theory to send her home?
Dr. Remy Hadley: I guess we could wait till we figure out what's wrong with Frank.
Dr. Gregory House: On the other hand, Gilbert Gottfried makes me laugh. And how many colors are there really? Once you got red, blue and green...
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: He paid for your lunch, liked monster trucks and was your conscience.

Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House] You need it to be cancer so you have an excuse to talk to Wilson.
Dr. Gregory House: Give me something else that explains this constellation of patients, then you can call me an ass.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I didn't call you an ass.

Lucas Douglas: [to House] You're supposed to trust friends.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't know the guy. I got no logical reason...
Lucas Douglas: To be his friend? Have you never seen an after-school special? That is part of the pleasure of friendship: trusting without absolute evidence and then being rewarded for that trust.
Dr. Gregory House: You're taking pictures of a guy who's having an affair with his own sister and you're lecturing me about the rewards of trust.
Lucas Douglas: There are two types of people that hire me. No, actually, there are three types of people that hire me, but the third type's irrelevant to the point I want to make.
Dr. Gregory House: Do you have a special rate plan for being a pain in the ass?

Apple: I was practically blind before the transplant: 20/200 vision.
Dr. Gregory House: Didn't you cover all this personal stuff with Dr. Foreman?
Apple: You don't care who I used to be?
Dr. Gregory House: You're a post-corneal transplant math teacher. I deduced that you were a blind math teacher.
Apple: I was an architect.
Dr. Gregory House: You gave up architecture after you could see?
Apple: The world was ugly. You think the world would be any different if your leg was fine?
Dr. Gregory House: No.
Apple: Think you'd be any different if your leg was fine? I mean, the doctors told me that my life was gonna be so much better once I could see. I would date, I would dance, but, uh... the guys I hated dancing with before, I hated dancing with after. My parents were still dead. I was still alone.
Dr. Gregory House: You're fun.