Steve Carell credited as playing...
Phil Foster
- Phil Foster: I say, we sit back and relax and enjoy a spread of their finest fruits of the sea.
- [opens menu]
- Phil Foster: Or, I will just suck on a napkin. Holy mama, look at these prices.
- Claire Foster: [scroffs] If we are gonna pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid!
- Phil Foster: [imitating Holbrooke in a raspy voice, talking to the dirty cops through the intercom] Hey. Hey, yo, yo. I'll be down in a minute. I'm having sex. I'm getting busy.
- Holbrooke: Is that supposed to be me? Or is that, like, Fat Albert or somebody?
- Phil Foster: Even though your pecs make me want to kill myself, and your girlfriend is so hot it's like looking through a shimmering jet engine, I believe there is a real person in there.
- Wendy: You have no idea, what it is like to be a teenage girl having your first period under Taliban rule.
- Phil Foster: That is true.
- [in low voice]
- Phil Foster: And neither do you. Mmm, but...
- [Brad enters the living room]
- Brad Sullivan: Hey, Phil, can I get a hand... oh... out in the room.
- Phil Foster: [interrupting] Yes, yes, yes, yes please, yes, thankyou. Okay. Excuse me ladies.
- [leaves the living room]
- Phil Foster: Oh my god!
- Claire Foster: [to Wendy] You have your period now?
- Wendy: Yeah.
- Phil Foster: [after Claire points out the two corrupt cops] Oh my God! The bald and the crazy... gay couple date. Shit... my pants we forgot our gay couple date.
- Phil Foster: Hey, zip your face!
- Taste: Zip my face? Are you serious?
- Whippit: Yeah, he said "zip your face"
- Taste: That's your best line? That's your best tough guy line?
- Phil Foster: You heard me. Zip your face.
- Taste: Why don't you just zip your vagina, Raymond Burr!
- Phil Foster: I have no idea how to respond to that! F you!
- Taste: F me? F you!
- Phil Foster: F YOU!
- Taste: F YOU, MAN! What are you doing here?
- Phil Foster: F YOU, mother-effer!
- Phil Foster: [after seeing all of Holbrooke's security technology] Wow! Where'd you get all this stuff?
- Holbrooke: Radio Shack.
- Phil Foster: Seriously?
- Holbrooke: [laughing] No, Phil, not seriously!
- [to Claire]
- Holbrooke: What's wrong with him?
- Phil Foster: We were in here earlier having dinner with our friend Sam.I.Am.
- Claw Hostess: You mean Will.I.Am?
- Claire Foster: Is that what you call him? That's weird, I don't like that.
- Phil Foster: What'd you learn in school today?
- Oliver Foster, Charlotte Foster: Nothing.
- Phil Foster: Oh, fantastic. Won't have to pay for college.
- [Claire is freaking out]
- Phil Foster: Claire, look at me. Look at me! I've got this. I have got this! Count to three.
- Claire Foster: What?
- Phil Foster: Just count 'em down.
- Claire Foster: No, that doesn't work with grown-ups. That doesn't work with people with guns.
- Phil Foster: Trust me.
- [Claire turns to Miletto and Crenshaw and their goons]
- Claire Foster: All right! I have had enough! My kids are gonna have me up in 90 minutes, so this shit ends now. I'm gonna count to three, and every one of you boys is gonna put down your guns!
- Armstrong: Is she serious?
- Claire Foster: One!
- DA Frank Crenshaw: I think she's serious.
- Claire Foster: Two!
- Joe Miletto: She's kidding, right?
- Claire Foster: Three!
- [having an argument with Whippit]
- Taste: Oh, this is going to be about what a loser I am. How I can't do anything right! I buy the wrong soda, the wrong beer, the wrong nipple clamps!
- Whippit: THOSE CLAMPS HURT ME!
- Taste: You don't even look at me. I have to beg you to have sex with me, like it's a gift. And forget about the anal. FORGET ABOUT THE ANAL!
- Phil Foster: Ohhhh, kay.
- Taste: Forget about it!
- Claire Foster: Oh, it's forgotten.
- Phil Foster: Honey, listen to me. You are a beautiful, strong woman. You are the mother of my children. Now, I want you to go in there and pop that coochie.
- Claire Foster: Pop the coochie.
- Phil Foster: Just pop it out.
- Claire Foster: So we can go home.
- Phil Foster: Let's go pop it. Come on.
- Claire Foster: For the kids.
- Holbrooke: [about Natanya] I met her in Tel Aviv, doing some consulting for the Mossad. She is a sweet girl.
- Phil Foster: She seems really sweet. That was very nice of her to ask us to have sex.
- Claire Foster: What are we going to do? We can't go home, we can't go to the police...
- Phil Foster: Okay, okay, okay. Miletto, he wants the Tripplehorns, why? Because they have the flash drive. All right, what if they gave him the flash drive back?
- Claire Foster: Why would they do that?
- Phil Foster: Because we're going to find them and we're going to *make* them do it. Once Miletto has the flash drive, this thing ends.
- Claire Foster: Okay, I like that. I am completely with you. I just have to ask you one question, and do not judge me. What is a flash drive?
- Phil Foster: Seriously?
- Claire Foster: Phil, I can't...
- Phil Foster: Okay, it's a little storage disk that you stick in the side of a laptop.
- Claire Foster: Oh, it's a computer sticky thing? That's... in my office, we call it a computer sticky thing.
- Claire Foster: If I'm gonna get whacked off, I at least deserve to understand why it's happening... What are you smiling about?
- Phil Foster: Honey, we're not going to get whacked off. We may get bumped off, or we may get whacked.