- Dwayne F. Schneider: I remember once in Tangiers, y'see, the Shore Patrol raided this house of, uh...
- Grandma Katherine Romano: Questionable repute?
- Dwayne F. Schneider: Oh, there was no question about it.
- Barbara Cooper: [robbers have tied everyone up in the storeroom where Barbara works] My twentieth birthday, and I may never get out of here. Thanks, Mom.
- Ann Romano: What?
- Barbara Cooper: Wait, you said. Wait, Barbara...
- Ann Romano: What are you talking about?
- Barbara Cooper: You know exactly what I'm talking about.
- Ann Romano: No, I have no idea.
- Barbara Cooper: Well, I waited. Now I'm gonna die a virgin.
- Bob Morton: Hey Barb, maybe we could... Naw, just a crazy thought. A wild, wonderful, crazy thought.
- Ann Romano: [everyone has been tied up by robbers in the storeroom at Barbara's job] I can't stand these ropes!
- Dwayne F. Schneider: All right, now, just because they got us tied up doesn't give us any reason to panic.
- Bob Morton: Schneider's right. Rule number one, never panic. Two, avoid anxiety. Three, even if it seems hopeless, keep trying.
- Dwayne F. Schneider: Where'd you learn that, the Eagle Scouts?
- Bob Morton: No, sex education.
- Ann Romano: [after being tied up by robbers, Bob begins to hyperventilate] Bob... are you all right?
- Bob Morton: OK, I'm somewhat clauhhh... claustrophobic.
- Dwayne F. Schneider: [in quiet disbelief] You're afraid of Santa Claus?