Nick Kroll credited as playing...
Nick Birch • Maury the Hormone Monster • Coach Steve Steve • Lola Skumpy
- Andrew Glouberman: Hey, Soup, you wanna be funny? Show us your tiny prick!
- [campers laughing out loud when Nick was shocked]
- Jessi Glaser: Jesus, Andrew. What is your problem?
- Andrew Glouberman: [strictly] Read the tea leaves, honey. That bowl of soup fucked my wife!
- Jessi Glaser: [walks away] I think I'm gonna switch seats.
- Connie: Let your GUARD down, Nicky. Be Vulnerable! People like that.
- Nick Birch: [to the audience] Hey guys, maybe comedy's not what you're looking for tonight. Maybe I'll try something a little bit different.
- Nick Birch: [singing and playing guitar] Hey, Mr. Man. What about me? Am I a bowl of soup or a human being? Cause when I look in the mirror, I'll tell you what I see.
- Andrew Glouberman: [interrupting] He's sees soup! Cause he's a big fat bowl of fucking soup, the idiot!
- Seth Goldberg: [when people were bullying Nick] That's a good joke!
- Boy with glasses: Stinky-ass bitch!
- Nick Birch: Oh god, where am I?
- Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Your LOST in the WOODS! I think this is how Berman's brother died.
- Nick Birch: Oh, I can't believe they were so many jokes about BERMAN!
- Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [nervous] And then you sang!
- Nick Birch: Fucking CONNIE told me to be vulnerable.
- Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: It was humiliating! Andrew's gonna tell everyone it's glow what a LOSER you are!
- Nick Birch: Oh that's totally what he's going to do!
- Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [nervous when screaming] What if they call you soup... IN EIGHTH GRADE!
- Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [when Nick saw lockers with the word Soup] YOU'LL HAVE NO FRIENDS! You'll never get LAID. You'll be an old man with an UNTOUCHED dusty little DICK!
- Maury the Hormone Monster: Why can't you just sh*t in the bunk?
- Andrew Glouberman: Everyone's hooking up in there, and you know I get caca-shy!
- Andrew's Shit: I'm not going anywhere, you fucking bird brain!
- Maury the Hormone Monster: Strain, Andrew. Push all the blood to your face!
- Andrew's Shit: If you motherfuckers try and shit me, I'LL PULL OUT YOUR F***ING SPINAL CORD!
- Andrew Glouberman: Oh, God, Maury.
- [strains very hard but doesn't how to do it]
- Andrew Glouberman: I'm scared. Maybe I can just hold it in forever
- Maury the Hormone Monster: You can't, Andrew! You'll go mad! I think it's time for me to pop your dookie bubble. Shout-out to Bobby and Whitney.
- Andrew Glouberman: [his stomach was growling] Oh, fuck! Okay, I'll try anything. Just hurry up.
- Maury the Hormone Monster: All right, Andrew, I think I--
- [grunts and Andrew's poop cuts his throat]
- Andrew Glouberman: [Maury picks up the knife in blood] Maury! How did he get a knife?
- Andrew's Shit: I'm a pile of shit with nothing to lose!
- [when Maury's throat was cut]
- Andrew Glouberman: Oh, no, Maury. Stay with me. No! Shh, just hold it in. No, just don't let the blood out--
- [when Andrew hears the poop cackling and his body was decayed]
- Andrew Glouberman: [sobbing in fright] Why are you doing this to me?
- Andrew's Shit: You made me! I am the ugly hate inside of you, and I'll keep getting bigger and BIGGER until WE ARE ONE!
- [maniacal laughing]
- Andrew Glouberman: [Andrew wails] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!
- Nick Birch: Okay, good time.
- Andrew Glouberman: [shouting to him] YOU SUCK!
- Maury the Hormone Monster: Easy Andrew, Nick's already bombing; you're fucking a dead horse. Sure, it feels great, but it's not right.
- Andrew's Shit: No, that guy's an asshole. He fucked your wife Missy!
- Andrew Glouberman: Well, sort of. Yeah, that's the essence of what occurred.
- Nick Birch: Why are you all so mean? And why is Berman still here if his brother's dead? He should be home with his family!
- [the campers were gasping]
- Berman: My mom said Eli would've wanted me to finish out the summer.
- Seth Goldberg: [crowd booing to Nick] Now he's crying.
- Andrew Glouberman: Get off the stage, Soup!
- Connie: RUN, sugar! RUN INTO THE WOODS!
- Jessi Glaser: [when Nick runs away crying] Oh, Nick.
- Andrew Glouberman: I've missed you, too!
- Nick Birch: Aw, give me a hug.
- Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Nooooooooo!
- Andrew's Shit: [crying out loud when he fades away] Oh No! I'm losing my grip. Oh my god! Motherfuckeeeeeeerrrrrrs!
- Nick Birch: Andrew?
- Andrew Glouberman: Why, Nick? Why did you kiss Missy?
- Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Maybe it's because you're SELFISH.
- Nick Birch: No, I'm... I'm just a fierce advocate for my own happiness.
- Andrew Glouberman: And why did you make fun of my DOPE hats?
- Nick Birch: I stand my ground on that one.
- Andrew Glouberman: FUCK YOU, THE HATS RULE! You're the condescending prick. And we'll never be friends AGAIN.
- Nick Birch: [screams] NOOOOOO!