John Mulaney credited as playing...
Andrew Glouberman
- Andrew Glouberman: Nick, can you hear me? Nick?
- [sunlight gleamed on him]
- Andrew Glouberman: [saw him alive] Nick Birch?
- Nick Birch: [in the attic awaking] I-It's me. I think I'm okay.
- Jessi Glaser: Oh, thank God!
- Missy Foreman-Greenwald: All right!
- Andrew Glouberman: Uh-pa-pa, that's exactly what Nick Starr would say.
- Nick Birch: Andrew, shut the fuck up and untie me.
- Andrew Glouberman: And that's exactly what the real Nick would say. Gimme those ropes.
- Nick Birch: Whoa, this is crazy. I'm actually controlling Marty's body.
- Andrew Glouberman: [he looks at him controlling Marty's body] Dad, are you okay? You sound exactly like Nick.
- Andrew Glouberman: That's because I am Nick.
- Andrew Glouberman: Nick, are you in there? What the hell's going on?
- Nick Birch: My evil future self has taken over my body.
- Andrew Glouberman: Oh, God! That can happen?
- Nick Birch: So, I possessed your dad through his butthole, and I...
- Andrew Glouberman: [he starts freaking out] What the hell are you talking about?
- Nick Birch: Oh, God, I was trying to calm you down, and now I realize I'm freaking you out more!
- Andrew Glouberman: Yeah, a bit!
- Nick Birch: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm the worst, and I'm gonna be like this forever!
- Andrew Glouberman: [He slaps him in the face] SHUT THE FUCK UP! You're making me more nervous.
- Andrew Glouberman: [but then calms down] Just let me breathe.
- Nick Birch: What do you mean?
- Andrew Glouberman: Fucking listen! Inhale for four.
- [takes a deep breath and they both inhale]
- Nick Birch: In for four.
- [and then they both exhale]
- Andrew Glouberman: There, that's better.
- Nick Birch: Okay, I'm still a little wobbly, but it might just be the sheer weight of your dad's balls. It feels like I have two paint cans hanging from my taint.
- Andrew Glouberman: Hey, wait... Nick, while you're in there, would you tell me that you're proud of me?
- Nick Birch: Oh, this is kinda sad.
- Andrew Glouberman: Come on, I...
- Nick Birch: Uh, sure, Andrew, I'm proud of you.
- Andrew Glouberman: No, damn it, say it like my dad.
- Nick Birch: Oh, okay, uh...
- Nick Birch: [then acts up like Marty] Andrew, you useless sack of nothing. I'm proud of you!
- Andrew Glouberman: Oh, thanks, Dad. I'm gonna hit you again.
- [then slaps him once again]
- Nick Birch: Whoa!
- Andrew Glouberman: Nick!
- Nick Birch: You... You can see me?
- Marty Glouberman: Andrew, did you just slap me in the face?
- Andrew Glouberman: I did, twice, and I'm sorry.
- Marty Glouberman: Don't you dare apologize! For the first time ever, I'm proud of ya, son!
- Andrew Glouberman: Oh, maybe one day I'll kill you.
- [and then chuckles]