Steve Carell: Gru

Despicable Me

Gru

Young Gru: Mom, someday, I'm going to go to the moon.
Gru's Mom: I'm afraid you're too late, son. NASA isn't sending the monkeys anymore.

Gru: Hello, Fred. FYI. Your dog has been leaving little bombs in my yard, and I do not appreciate it.
Fred McDade: Oh you know dogs... they go where they want to go.
Gru: Unless they're dead.
[laughs]
Gru: I'm joking! Although it is true. Anyway, have a good one.

Edith: Hey, that one looks like me.
Gru: What are you talking about? These are kittens! Any relation to persons living or dead is completely coincidental.

Agnes: Will you read us a bedtime story?
Gru: No.
Agnes: Pretty please?
Gru: The physical appearance of the please makes no difference. It is still no, so go to sleep.

Gru: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What was that? She hit that. I saw that with my own eyes.
Carnival Barker: Well, you see that little spaceship there? You see how it's not knocked over? Do you know what that means, Professor? It means you don't get the unicorn! Aw. Uh-oh! Somebody's got a frowny face! Ooh. Better luck next time.
[Agnes's eyes well up with tears and she looks at Gru]
Gru: Okay... my turn.
[Gru takes out a plasma gun and fires it, destroying the stand and disintegrating the spaceship]
Gru: Knocked over!

Dr. Nefario: And here, of course, is the new weapon you ordered.
[shoots a minion with the fart gun, making him pass out]
Gru: No, no, no. I said *dart* gun, not...
[grossed out]
Gru: Okay.
Dr. Nefario: Oh, yes. 'Cause I was wondering... under what circumstances would we use this?

Edith: Are these beds made out of bombs?
Gru: Yes, but they are very old and highly unlikely to blow up. But try not to toss and turn.
Edith: Cool!

Gru: Kyle. These are not treats. These are guests!
[to the girls]
Gru: Girls, this is Kyle, my... dog.
[Kyle growls]
Agnes: Ooh, fluffy doggie!
[She runs toward Kyle, who whines and runs away; she groans in disappointment]
Margo: What kind of dog is that?
Gru: He's a... I don't know.

Gru: [Explaining why the girls can't find their book "Three Little Kittens"] That book was accidentally destroyed maliciously...

Gru: [reading book] "Three little kittens love to play. They had fun in the sun all day. Then their mother came out and said, 'Time for kittens to go to bed'."
[looks up]
Gru: Wow, this is garbage. You actually like this?

Gru: [reading the book he wrote] One big unicorn, strong and free, thought he was happy as he could be. Then three little kittens came around and turned his whole life upside down. They made him laugh, they made him cry. He never should have said goodbye. And now he knows he can never part from those three little kittens that changed his heart.

Gru: Clearly we need to set some rules. Rule number one: You will not touch *anything*.
Margo: Aha. What about the floor?
Gru: Yes, you may touch the floor.
Margo: What about the air?
Gru: Yes, you may touch the air.
Edith: What about this?
[holds a ray gun in her hands, the laser sight aimed right at Gru]
Gru: [screams, holding a frying pan for protection] Where did you get that?
Edith: [shrugs] Found it.
[Gru takes it away from her]
Gru: Okay, rule number two: You will not bother me while I'm working. Rule number three: You will not cry, or whine, or laugh, or giggle, or sneeze or barf or fart! So no, no, no annoying sounds. All right?
Agnes: Does this count as annoying?
[lets go of Margo's hand and puckers her cheeks]
Gru: [stops Agnes] Very!
[sighs, irritated]
Gru: I'll see you in six hours.
[leaves the kitchen]
Margo: Okay, don't worry. Everything is going to be fine. We're gonna be really happy here. Right...? Agnes?
[She and Edith turn and see Agnes scarfing from the bowl on the floor marked "food."]
Agnes: [mouth full] Mmm?