Kevin James credited as playing...
Eric Lamonsoff
- [from trailer]
- Bean Lamonsoff: Mommy, I want some milk.
- Sally Lamonsoff: Come here. I'll give you a little something.
- [starts breastfeeding Bean]
- Roxanne Chase-Feder: Your son is so cute. How old is he?
- Eric Lamonsoff: 48 months.
- Kurt McKenzie: [pause] That's 4.
- Eric Lamonsoff: [pause] Yeah.
- Lenny Feder: You see that? You just aim for a spot and shoot the ball there?
- Eric Lamonsoff: It's true. Your dad has won over 50 games with that shot.
- Greg Feder: Really? Because that shot doesn't work on the Wii.
- Eric Lamonsoff: Well, you should Wii-turn that Wii and get yourself a Wii-fund. Tim Duncan has had over a hundred game winners with that shot.
- Bean Lamonsoff: I want mommy's milk!
- Eric Lamonsoff: No more mommy's milk.
- Bean Lamonsoff: I want mommy's milk.
- [a kid walks by with a milk carton, which Eric takes]
- Milk Kid: Hey!
- Eric Lamonsoff: Here's a dollar, get out of here. Now drink it.
- Bean Lamonsoff: I don't know if mommy will like that.
- Eric Lamonsoff: Just watch me drink it.
- [Bean drinks the milk carton]
- Bean Lamonsoff: I'm just like daddy.
- Kurt McKenzie: Yay! More for us!
- Lenny Feder: Lamonsoff, it's 5 in the morning. Can you kill the dog now?
- Eric Lamonsoff: Thinking about it.
- Kurt McKenzie: [while seeing Rob talk to his daughter] How do you get that from that?
- Eric Lamonsoff: 95% of that has to be from the mother, and I am lowballing.
- Eric Lamonsoff: I gotta make a sissy.
- Kurt McKenzie: Come on, you made three already.
- Rob Hilliard: It must be oozing out at this point.
- Eric Lamonsoff: Shut up. I'm trying to concentrate.
- Kurt McKenzie: It's taking a piss, not the SATs.
- Lenny Feder: Are you peeing or is a diesel truck turning off? What the hell is that?
- Marcus Higgins: Listen to hamper bottom. I think he's sending a message in Morse code. Getting old. Stop. Can't pee. Stop. Reek like an asparagus. Stop. Even though I didn't have any. Stop.
- Sally Lamonsoff: See that? Now he won't even drink from me.
- Roxanne Chase-Feder: That's what men do. They take and take, and then give you up for some cow.
- Sally Lamonsoff: Well now I don't know what I'm going to do with these.
- Eric Lamonsoff: I do.
- Donna Lamonsoff: Dad, hurry up. I want to go on the other rides.
- Eric Lamonsoff: Just a minute. Don't worry, we'll get to ride all of them.
- Donna Lamonsoff: Are you making a sissy? You know they make a chemical that turns urine blue.
- Eric Lamonsoff: No, that's just a myth.
- Donna Lamonsoff: [as the urine is turning blue] Oh, my God! You're embarrassing me!