Al Pacino credited as playing...
- Val: They say we die twice. Once when the breath leaves our body, and once when the last person we know says our name.
- Val: So, what'll it be. Chew gum, or kick ass.
- Doc: I'm all outta gum.
- Doc: You can't open a car with a coat hanger any more, Val.
- Val: Says who?
- Doc: Says the people who make cars.
- Val: Are you a real doctor?
- Doctor: Are you a real patient? Is that a real penis?
- Doc: [as Val is urging them to steal the car] This car belongs to the Jargoniew brothers. I happen to know that.
- Val: A-and that's supposed to mean something to me?
- Doc: Nobody messes with these guys! They are the type of guys that take your kidneys out and not even sell them!
- Doc: [stealing a gangster's car] This is not a good idea, Val.
- Val: Yeah, well, my life is full of not good ideas.
- Val: [In the confessional] Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
- Priest: How long since your last confession?
- Val: 60 years give or take a few.
- Val: So how's your health?
- Hirsch: Well, they took something out of me a couple of months ago.
- Val: What'd they take out?
- Hirsch: I don't know. I didn't ask, it's none of my business. But I'm a little more streamlined now, a little more aerodynamic.
- Val: [Looking for the second girl in a proposed meage a trois] What about you?
- Wendy: Who me? No. I don't do it for money. I just can't...
- Val: Well, we won't pay you.
- Hirsch: Hey, Val...
- Val: Yeah?
- Hirsch: It's like the old days, isn't it?
- Val: No! It's better.
- Hirsch: Yeah! Why?
- Val: Because this time we can appreciate it.
- Hirsch: Yeah, that's why.
- Hirsch: Give me the key.
- Doc: There's no key.
- Hirsch: Give me the key.
- Doc: It's new. It's a button. Push the button.
- Val: Push the button.
- Doc: It's computers.
- Hirsch: Man, this is like the future.
- Val: Oh Ouh! Mount Everest just moved into my pants.
- Doc: My friend is looking for a "party".
- Wendy: Yeah? What kind of party?
- Val: Bar Mitzvah.
- Val: [Just coming out of prison] You look like shit!
- Doc: You look worse!
- Val: [after taking too much ED medication] I'm fighting the Battle of the Bulge here. This thing is going up and down like a yo-yo...
- Doc: [These lines are read like a well-polished mantra familiar to all of them] What time is it?
- Hirsch: I don't know. What time is it?
- Val: It's time to kick ass or chew gum, and guess what?
- Doc: I'm all out of gum!
- [They ritually stomp their feet]
- Val: I took the fall. For everyone. I'm a stand up guy.
- Val: Your place looks like where I just came from except it's worse.
- Doc: So, it's not to your liking. Sorry.
- Val: Not to my liking is the understatement of all time.
- Val: This is the worst apartment I've ever seen.
- Doc: Hey, it's not much, but it's mine.
- Val: Hey, ladies! What do you say, what do you know? It's me, Giacomo!
