Hal Roach credited as playing...
Self - Comedian
- [first lines]
- Hal Roach: Father O'Seamus, in great form at the pulpit the other night in the church: he told us the end of the world is near, and we must be prepared. He said, "Stand up, all those that want to go to heaven." Of course, we all stood up right away. And he said, "Stand up, all those that want to go to hell." Of course, nobody stood up, except Muldoon in the middle of the church. He said, "Muldoon, do you want to go to hell?" And he said, "No, father. I didn't like to see you standing there by yourself."
- Hal Roach: This fellow Casey went to the dentist. He said to the dentist, "All my teeth are turning yellow. What can I do?" And the dentist said, "Wear a brown tie."
- Hal Roach: Oh, I wish I could be out there with you listening to this. I really do. Fantastic stuff.
- Hal Roach: My dear people, let me try in my own inadequate way to describe to all of you the Widow Quinn: a wild woman from the hills of County Carey with a figure like six miles of bad road. Long red hair all down her back, none on her head. An ugly woman, God bless her. When she went to the zoo she had to have two tickets: one to get in and one to get out.
- Hal Roach: We laugh at ourselves here in the Emerald Isle. Yes, we do. We laugh at wakes, funerals, death, marriage. You name it, we laugh at it.
- Hal Roach: The widow had her husband laid out for the wake, and he had the biggest smile on his face that was ever seen in Ireland. I said to her, "I never saw a corpse with a smile like that. What happened to him?" "Ah, dear God," she said. "The poor man. 'Twas terrible. He was struck eight times by lightning, and he thought he was having his photograph taken."
- Hal Roach: [referring to a typical priest's housekeeper] I knew one. The last time I saw her she was sitting at the fire with two crowbars knitting barbed wire.
- Hal Roach: Do you realize that if you stand still on the street for two minutes in New York, somebody will write on you?
- Hal Roach: I went to Macy's, to the men's department. And I said, "Can you show me the cheapest suit in the store?" And he said, "You're wearing it."
- Hal Roach: I was in Las Vegas. That was exciting. I have property there now. Two of the hotels are holding my luggage.
- Hal Roach: There's no way you can win at gambling, not really. I knew one man in Reno that used to go down to the gaming tables every night only making mental bets. And he lost his mind.
- Hal Roach: I was in Birmingham, Alabama. That was exciting. Yeah, two fellows talking in the lobby of the hotel, and one said to the other, "What would you do if you got a letter from the Ku Klux Klan telling you to get out of town?" He said, "I'd read it on the train."
- Hal Roach: An Irish plumber looking at Niagara Falls. "Well," he said. "I don't know now," he said. "I think I can fix this."
- Hal Roach: The teacher said, "Sean, what is a cannibal?" He said, "I don't know." The teacher said, "Well, if you were to eat your mother and father, what would you be?" He said, "An orphan."
- Hal Roach: "Daddy, is it true we come from dust and to dust we shall return?" His father said, "'Tis true. Why do you ask?" And the kid said, "Well, you better look under my bed. There's somebody there either comin' or goin'."
- Hal Roach: "If I lay six eggs there, and I lay eleven eggs over there, how many eggs would I have altogether?" And the kid said, "I don't believe you can do it."