Neil Patrick Harris credited as playing...
Barney Stinson
- Barney Stinson: Can't talk my way out of a speeding ticket? Can't talk my way out of a speeding ticket? I am Barney Stinson, master of manipulation. If I can talk a stripper to pay me for a lap dance, I can talk my way out of a speeding ticket. Challenge accep... wait for it...
- [Points at Ted]
- Ted Mosby: I don't get it.
- [Barney points to head in "think about it" gesture]
- Ted Mosby: Oh, accep-ted!
- Barney Stinson: Give it a week. You'll get her back. And her front. Oh! Did you feel that? It felt like a what-up quake.
- Marshall Eriksen: He's rich? Please tell me he wrote you a big, fat check. A check so fat, it doesn't take its shirt off when it goes swimming.
- Barney Stinson: That is a big, fat check. A check so fat, after you have sex with it, you don't tell your buddies about it.
- Robin Scherbatsky: A check so fat, when it sits next to you on an airplane, you ask yourself if it should have bought two seats.
- Marshall Eriksen: That is...
- Barney Stinson: A big, fat check!
- Ted Mosby: Yeah, he didn't write me a check.
- Robin Scherbatsky: [after Barney's story of how a female officer stripped for him] No, false! Did not happen!
- Marshall Eriksen: That was a line from a porno. I've seen that porno. Hell, I've made that porno.
- Barney Stinson: When will you learn that the only difference between my life and porno is that my life has better lighting?