Ryan Reynolds credited as playing...
Wade • Deadpool
- Deadpool: From the studio that inexplicably sewed his fucking mouth shut the first time comes five-time Academy Award viewer, Ryan Reynolds in an eHarmony date with destiny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... me! Deadpool.
- Deadpool: [to the audience while slicing off his own arm] Did you ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert.
- Deadpool: And you are?
- Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
- Deadpool: Negasonic Teenage... what the shit? That's the coolest name ever!
- Negasonic Teenage Warhead: You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?
- Deadpool: Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl. You're gonna help me get her back.
- Colossus: [voice from inside the mansion] Wade, is that you?
- Deadpool: Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse. I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.
- Deadpool: [to the audience in the after credits scene] You're still here? It's over. Go home! Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting, Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go, go.
- Credits: The making and authorized distribution of this film supported over 13,000 jobs and involved hundreds of thousands of work hours.
- Deadpool: Oh, but I can tell you one thing and it's a bit of a secret. In the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet but it could be anybody. We just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley, she's got range, who knows? Anyway, big secret, ssshhhh. Oh and don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. Go. Chicka-chickahhhh.
- Wade Wilson: I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it.
- [Lies down in bed beside Vanessa]
- Wade Wilson: They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.
- Blind Al: I get why you're so pissy, but your mood's never gonna brighten 'till you find this woman and tell her how you feel.
- Deadpool: What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. If you could see me, you'd understand.
- Blind Al: Looks aren't everything.
- Deadpool: Looks ARE everything! Ever heard Dave Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?
- Blind Al: Love is blind, Wade.
- Deadpool: No. You're blind.
- Blind Al: So you're just gonna lie there and whimper?
- Deadpool: No, I'm gonna wait 'till this arm plows through puberty, and then I'll come up with a whole new Christmas day plan.
- Deadpool: [Commenting on her shaved head] Ripley, from Alien 3!
- Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Fuck, you're old.
- Deadpool: [cackles] Fake laugh. Hiding real pain. Go get Silver Balls.
- [Wastes two bullets on the corpse of a goon who shot him in the ass]
- Deadpool: Ugh, stupid, stupid. Worth it!
- Wade Wilson: [voiceover, after Vanessa has agreed to marry him] Here's the thing. Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break. Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled programming.
- [Wade collapses]
- [from leaked test footage]
- Deadpool: Crime's the disease, meet the cure. Okay, not the cure, but more like a topical ointment to reduce the swelling and itch. Hi, Tom!
- Deadpool: You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie, but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabab!" Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically, this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is, a love story. And to tell it right... I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex.