Amy Poehler credited as playing...
Leslie Knope
- Leslie Knope: I would like to be president someday, so no, I've not smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party in college. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable, actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn't any pot in the brownie. It was just an insanely good brownie.
- Leslie Knope: You're not from here, right?
- Tom Haverford: No, I'm from South Carolina.
- Leslie Knope: But you moved to South Carolina from where?
- Tom Haverford: My mother's uterus.
- Leslie Knope: But you were conceived in Libya, right?
- Tom Haverford: Wow. No. I was conceived in America. My parents are Indian.
- Leslie Knope: Where did the name Haverford come from?
- Tom Haverford: My birth name is Darwish Zubair Ismail Gani. Then I changed it to Tom Haverford because, you know, brown guys with funny-sounding Muslim names don't make it far into politics.
- Leslie Knope: What about Barack Obama?
- Tom Haverford: Okay, yeah, fine, Barack Obama. If I knew a guy named Barack Obama was gonna be elected president, yeah, maybe I wouldn't have changed it.
- Tom Haverford: [to camera] Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the name of rappers.
- Leslie Knope: And those over there?
- Tom Haverford: Uh, those are some Diddies. There's some Bonethugs and Harmoniums right there.
- Leslie Knope: Growing beautifully.
- Tom Haverford: Those Ludacrises are coming in great.
- Leslie Knope: Look, someone planted something new. What's this?
- [Touches a marijuana leaf]
- Leslie Knope: What do you think, carrots? If that's true, we have a garden pest on our hands.
- [Smells the leaf]
- Leslie Knope: Maybe some kind of spice?
- Tom Haverford: Yeah. You know, Leslie, the best way to figure out what kind of spice that is, is to roll it up in a joint and smoke it.
- Ann Perkins: I just wanna check one last time that you're okay about this date with Mark.
- [Pours coffee for Leslie, who is putting chocolate syrup in her cup at the same time]
- Leslie Knope: Oh my God, I am so fine with it, Ann, seriously. It's so fine! As long as you and I are cool. You know my code: hoes before bros. Uteruses before duderuses.
- [Leslie puts whipped cream atop her coffee]
- Ann Perkins: Got it.
- Leslie Knope: Ovaries before brovaries.
- [Eats whipped cream]
- Leslie Knope: You make such good coffee.
- Ann Perkins: Look, I know you're saying you're okay with it, but I've been in this position before, and I had a friend who dated an ex, and I said I was okay, but I wasn't actually. It was kind of weird.
- Leslie Knope: The thing is, Mark isn't my ex. You know, we slept together six years ago. Anyway, I 'm over it. Or am I? Just kidding.