- Ellis: ["Dead Center"; Streets, in the Hotel's saferoom] My buddy Keith tried camping out on top of a building once. He was shooting crows, but the police were too busy tear-gassin' him to ask what he was doin' up there. He screamed for an entire *year* every single time when he opened his eyes! Oh, man! At first it was funny, then it just got sad, but then it got funny again! Oh, man!
- Ellis: ["Dark Carnival"; arriving at Kiddie Land] Holy *shit,* guys - KIDDIE LAND!
- Coach: Sometimes, it feels like we *baby-sittin',* doe'n't it?
- Rochelle: He *is* making the best of a bad situation.
- Nick: [alt. line] He's like a five-year-old. With guns. And a comprehensive grasp of every swearword in the English language.
- Rochelle: [alt. line] I wish I could be that happy... ah, to hell with it. *WHOO! Kiddie Land!*
- Coach: ["Dark Carnival"; Stadium saferoom] Okay, here's the plan. First, we look around for supplies. then we start the Midnight Riders' finale. It's all kinds of fireworks, smoke pots 'n' lights 'n' shit. That chopper pilot can't *miss* it!
- Ellis: [barely able to contain his excitement] So we gotta set up to rock, and then fight zombies? This is the best day of my life!
- Nick: Coach, that is about the stupidest idea I've ever agreed with. I've never seen the Midnight Riders, but okay - let's try it.
- Coach: Then let's do it! Everybody grab a weapon and let's go!
- Coach: [reading CEDA notice] "Report unusual behavior"...
- [Nick opens the cash register with his magnum, smirks]
- Coach: "Barricade your homes"...
- [Ellis opens up a weapon rack, a devilish grin spreading across his face]
- Coach: "Avoid all contact with infected individuals"...
- [Ellis passes a pistol to Rochelle, who is checking a map for any possible evac points]
- Coach: "Wait for official instructions."
- [laughs and throws paper away]
- Coach: [getting up, walking to the camera's right with chocolate bar in hand] Wait, my ass.
- Ellis: [camera reveals him to be fully-loaded: a first-aid kit, Grenade Launcher and Hunting Rifle strapped to his back; and holding a SPAS-12 combat shotgun] Kill all sons-a-bitches.
- [cocks shotgun, grinning]
- Ellis: That's *my* 'fficial instructions.
- Nick: ["Hard Rain": beginning] Wanna hear a prediction?
- Ellis: Nope.
- Coach: *No!*
- Nick: There's not gonna *be* any gas. Watch.
- [the group moves through the Burger Tank and reaches the gas station]
- Coach: [reading the sign] Outta gas. *Shit.*
- Nick: No gas. See, what'd I say?
- Ellis: Looks like we're gonna have to walk to this Ducatel place.
- Nick: What makes you think *they* still have gas?
- Coach: 'Cause if they don't? We gonna be stuck here *forever,* Nick.
- [ridden by a Jockey]
- Coach: Jockey on me!
- Coach: Jockey on my back!
- Coach: Gah, that thing's on me!
- Coach: Ellis - Ellis, is that you? What the hell?
- Ellis: Get this off my *back!*
- Ellis: I got a Jockey on me!
- Ellis: Sum*bitch* is on my back!
- Ellis: This ain't right havin' this THING on me!
- Ellis: *Git* this *thing* - *off* - *me!*
- Ellis: This thing is *ridin'* me!
- Ellis: *Is this thing humpin' me?*
- Nick: Shoot this thing on my back!
- Rochelle: I can't see! This thing is on me!
- Rochelle: It's on my face!
- Rochelle: [struggling] Let go! *Let* *go!*
- Rochelle: LET GO LET GO LET GO LET GO!
- [seeing a Jockey riding a fellow Survivor]
- Coach: That ain't right for a man to be *ridden* like that.
- Coach: *Damn*... that ain't right.
- Ellis: Oh, looks like a monkey on a mule!
- Ellis: Hey, where's that thing *goin'* with 'em?
- Ellis: That's just humiliating!
- Ellis: That don't look dignified!
- Nick: Ten bucks says he takes 'em to the right.
- Coach: ["The Parish"; reading graffiti that says, "Where's CEDA?"] Good question: where'n the hell *is* CEDA? 'Cause I'd sure like to *shoot* some-a their asses!
- [friendly fire]
- Ellis: I'm not a *zombie.* Shoot the *ZOMBIES.*
- Ellis: C'mon, man, it's not funny anymore!
- Ellis: Would you *mind* not shootin' me, please?
- Ellis: What was *that* for?
- Ellis: Y'all take leave of your senses?
- Ellis: *Damn,* man, quit shootin' me!
- Ellis: You're shootin' me!... Well, that just dills my pickle!
- Ellis: Why'n the hell you guys keep shootin' me?
- Ellis: Hey, that's not cool. *Seriously.*
- Ellis: You do that again an' I'll knock you into next week.
- Ellis: [recovering from the Smoker attack, Ellis looks out the elevator window. His expression of disgust changes into shock as he sees hundreds of common infected in the mall's atrium] Holy *shit*...
- [Coach offers his hand to Ellis, who takes it]
- Rochelle: [giving Ellis a grenade launcher right after Coach helps him up] Hey. "Kill all sons-a-bitches", right?
- [Ellis nods, grinning at his new toy]
- Ellis: ["Swamp Fever"; start of Plank Country] Nick, what the hell? You shot the pilot!
- Nick: Well, he wasn't doing a good job once he became a zombie, now, was he?
- Coach, Rochelle: That's true. If I had to pick a low point in the flight, it was probably when he stopped flying the chopper and attacked us.
- Ellis: [alt. line] True, true, he *was* a zombie, but he was also our *only pilot!*
- Nick: I shot a *zombie.* He was a *zombie,* Ellis. He must've gotten bitten before he picked us up.
- Soldier: ["The Parish": when the Survivors contact the army via radio at the Bridge] Bridge, are you immune?
- Coach, Nick: We are NOT infected.
- Soldier: Negative, Bridge. Are you IMMUNE? Have you encountered the Infected?
- Coach: [indignant] Encountered? Boy, I am covered in zombie blood and puke, and eyeballs, and twenty other parts I don't even recognize! We are immune as SHIT!
- Nick: [alt. line] Yeah, you could say that.
- Nick: [when the group finds a working elevator] Technically, you're not supposed to use an elevator in a fire. But that might not apply during a *zombie apocalypse.*
- [the group enters the elevator, where one member hits the button for the lobby]
- Nick: [as the doors shut] Nick. Name's Nick. You all did good. What're your names?
- Coach: People just call me Coach.
- Rochelle: [to Ellis] Hey. Name's Rochelle. You?
- Ellis: Ellis. It's a pleasure to meet you, Rochelle.
- Coach: ["Swamp Fever"; start of Plank Country] Man, that was some shit, the pilot turning into a zombie right before our eyes... Nice shootin', Nick.
- Nick: No problem, big guy. Sorry about the landing.
- Coach: Ah, I've had worse landings... Actually, that's a lie to spare your feelings. That crash was pretty bad.
- Nick: ["The Parish"; the group climbs out of a sewer... into the middle of an impound lot] Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Watch where you shoot!
- Ellis: *Shit.* They all got alarms.
- Rochelle: Careful, alarm cars everywhere...
- Coach: Everybody take it slow, now...
- [the group starts moving through the lot]
- Nick: Careful... *careful... *
- [friendly fire]
- Nick: You do that again, and I will *bury you alive.*
- Nick: I don't wanna hear any excuses - just *stop* shooting me.
- Nick: [sarcastically] Well, *thank you* for ventilating my suit.
- Nick: DAMN!... you suck at shooting.
- Nick: [angrily] *You.* *Are.* *Shooting.* *ME!*
- Nick: Let's try shooting *zombies* instead of people, okay?
- Nick: Why would you think shooting me is a good idea?
- Nick: [sarcastically] Shoot me again. Shoot me again, I dare ya!
- Nick: *Come on!*
- Nick: OH *COME ON!*
- Ellis: ["The Passing"; seeing the Witch bride, whispers:] Oh, man... You think she's cryin' 'cause she got left at the altar?
- Ellis: [Swamp Fever; on the ferry boat in Plank Country] If y'all ask me, these swamp people got it all figured out. No cops, no rules...
- Rochelle: No indoor plumbing?
- Ellis: They figured out how to stop goin' to the bathroom? *Man,* that is a*maz*in'...
- [understanding and disgust make his expression of impression go away]
- Ellis: ... oh. No, wait... oh, I just got that. *Shit,* that's gross as hell.
- [friendly fire]
- Coach: Oh - excuse me? *EXCUSE ME?*
- Coach: I swear to god you can't shoot worth shit!
- Coach: There's gonna be some biblical shit happenin' to you if you do that again!
- Coach: Young'un, stop that shit.
- Coach: [angrily] Man - I swear to *GOD* you can't... *SHOOT* worth *SHIT!*
- Coach: Shootin' *me?* That's some *crazy* shit.
- Coach: You do know you shootin' me, right?
- Coach: Look - try shootin' some damn zombies instead-a *me!*
- Coach: Are you outta yo *mind,* shootin' at me?
- Coach: Will you cut that shit out?
- Coach: YO! Stop shootin' me, alright?
- Coach: GODDAMMIT STOP SHOOTIN' ME!
- Coach: Oh, hell NO. Do NOT shoot me!
- Coach: Do that again an' I'll come back on ya!
- Coach: Man, you *shot* me?
- Coach: ["The Passing" - Streets saferoom] I heard all about this under-the-river tour. Supposed to be pretty damn good! Real educational.
- Nick: So let me get this straight: it's a *tunnel*... under the river, right?
- Coach: You damn right. Under a river.
- Nick: And this is supposed to teach me about *what,* exactly?
- Coach: Uhh... historical shit? Man, how'm I supposed to know? I ain't been there yet!
- ["Swamp Fever"; the group finds a dead parachutist]
- Coach: Shit. Why would you ever jump out of a plane?
- Ellis: What's a parachutist doin' out here?
- Ellis: Why would he parachute out here?
- [later, they come across a crashed passenger plane]
- Coach: All right. *Now* I understand why you would jump out of a plane.
- Coach: Looks like we weren't the only people crashin' today.
- Coach: Nick, you didn't shoot this pilot too, didya?
- Ellis: Holy *shit*... Well, this explains our parachutist.
- Ellis: Had to be *scary* to be on this flight.
- Nick: I guess walking isn't so bad.
- Coach: [everyone is running up a flight of stairs] Who the hell... puts an evac station... up thirty flights of goddamn stairs?
- Nick: [passing the exhausted coach] Well, look, Coach. Maybe the helicopter... Maybe it's made of chocolate.
- [laughs, while Coach scowls after at him]
- Coach: Oh, yeah! Our goal is right next to the bridge! On the OTHER MOTHER-EFFIN' SIDE OF THE WATER!
- Coach: ["Dead Center"; initial encounter with Infected in the Hotel] Y'all know what the hell these things are?
- Nick: These don't look like people...
- Ellis: Zombies are real! I *knew* them movies were true!
- Rochelle: You hear about them, but... until you see them...
- Nick: I dunno about you, but I'm killing these things.
- Coach: It's them or us.
- Ellis: ["Dark Carnival"; as the group passes through the Fairgrounds] Would you *look* at all these rides? And no LINES! Wish we weren't in such a hurry!
- [Ellis follows the others into the elevator as Infected close in. A Smoker appears and lassoes Ellis with its tongue just he passes through the closing doors]
- Ellis: Agh! What the he - ?
- [Then a couple of Common Infected grab Ellis, keeping the doors from shutting]
- Ellis: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
- Nick: [grabbing Ellis and pulling him away] No!
- Coach: [approaching with a chainsaw] God*damn*it! EAT THAT SHIT!
- [Coach shreds through the Common Infected and the Smoker's tongue, pulling back just as the doors close]
- [when gooed by Spitter]
- Coach: Wha - *SPIT!*
- Coach: Damn Spitter got me!
- Coach: God*dam*mit - GOO!
- Ellis: I got Spitter shit on me!
- Ellis: Ah, hell, man, Spitter goo!
- Ellis: Goddamn GOO!
- Nick: [multiple versions] I got hit by the burning goo shit!
- Nick: God - *dam*mit, I'm - covered in goo!
- Coach, Nick, Rochelle: Get outta the goo!
- [gooed in "Dead Center"]
- Coach: That female zombie jus' *spat* somethin' on me!
- Coach: You have *got* to be *kiddin'* me...
- Ellis: What the *hell?* 's he spittin' *fire?*
- Ellis: Oh, great, now they're spittin' shit at us!
- Ellis: Yo, somebody's gotta kill that zombie spittin' shit!
- Nick: Ugh, what in the hell did that *thing* just *do?*
- Nick: Ugh, *what* is this *shit* on me?
- Nick: Ugh, *what* am I *covered* in?
- Rochelle: Oh, geezus - this zombie spits burning shit!