Joel McHale: Jeff Winger

Romantic Expressionism

Jeff Winger

Britta: Fine! I cared. I'm a girly girl. I like boys, and I don't like it when they're mean to me, and I don't like it when they stop kissing me and start kissing my friends, I'm not that cool, I'm not JUNO, homeslice.
Jeff Winger: This is what this was about for you? You were jealous?
Britta: Oh, please. You can't tell me you weren't jealous that Vaughn had his hippie hands all over your debate-slash-make-out partner.
Annie Edison: What are you insinuating? I took that kiss for the team!
Jeff Winger: What?... yeah. That kiss wasn't for pleasure, it was strategic and joyless.
Annie Edison: What?... yeah.
Troy: You did get weirdly specific describing Annie's body.
Jeff Winger: More specific than the stuff you told me about Britta?
Britta, Annie Edison: What?
Shirley Bennett: Does anyone get specific about me?
Pierce Hawthorne: Check your e-mail.
Shirley Bennett: I mark you as spam.
Pierce Hawthorne: Who the hell is Pam?

Jeff Winger: You know what I don't get? He never wears a shirt; he never wears shoes: why hasn't he died from lack of service?

Annie Edison: Hey, guys! Thanks for getting involved in my love life, that was super cool and mature of you! Oh, and since you're both clearly idiots, I should probably let you know that I'm being sarcastic!
[storms out]
Troy: Hey, guys! Thanks for taking ugly Annie out of the palm of my hand and turning her into another hottie that will never get with me!
[storms out]
Leonard: Hey, guys! Thanks for eating all the macaroni!
Jeff Winger: Shut up, Leonard! No one even knows what you're talking about!
[Leonard leaves]
Jeff Winger: ...I did eat all the macaroni. It's messed up that he knows.

Jeff Winger: She's 18! Her taste in men is still being established. Creepier and creepier dudes will start thinking of her as an option, and it all starts with Vaughn. He's a gateway douche-bag.
Britta: People collide! Things happen. It can't be controlled. Right?
Jeff Winger: And that can be your toast at her shotgun wedding to Star-Burns... oh yeah, turn to your left, turn to your right. Yeah, we can see BOTH of them. It's like a constellation on your face... Oh hey man, what's up?
Star-Burns: [waving] You see that guy over there? He's a douchebag.

Jeff Winger: Crash course in manipulation: you don't tell the person what you want them to do. You help them realize they want to do it. That way it can't be traced back to you.
Britta: Hmm, got it.
[Jeff and Britta walk up to Troy]
Britta: Chemistry, sexy. You know what else it sexy? Annie.
[Jeff rolls his eyes]
Troy: I know chemistry is sexy, but Annie? I don't see it.
Britta: You really don't see how pretty Annie is?
Troy: Maybe it's because I knew her in high school before she dropped out when she still had acne and a pill addiction and a nervous breakdown ending with her running into a plate-glass window screaming "everyone's a robot!"

Jeff Winger: Fine, okay. I guess we're not really family. It's more complicated than that because unlike a real family there's nothing to stop any one of us from looking at each other as sexual prospects.

Jeff Winger: He's got her in some kind of hippie collar. I can hear her armpit hair growing from here.

Jeff Winger: We got to do something.
Britta: Okay, even if I agreed with you, what are we gonna do?
Jeff Winger: Well, I know if we say we disapprove, we'll just drive her further into his hemp-braceleted arms. We need to be smart. We need to hatch a scheme.
Britta: Mm, hatching schemes is not really my wheelhouse.
Jeff Winger: Let's not confine ourselves to your wheelhouse. This problem won't respond to tap dancing or casual revelations that you spent time in New York.
Britta: Okay, if you're gonna get all upper East Side about this, I think we're done.
Star-Burns: Hey, Winger, check out Annie. Somebody just went to the top of my "To Do" list.
[Jeff groans]
Britta: Okay, we need to hatch a scheme.
Jeff Winger: Thank you.