Julie Kavner: Marge Simpson • Selma Bouvier • Patty Bouvier

The Real Housewives of Fat Tony

Marge Simpson • Selma Bouvier • Patty Bouvier

Selma Bouvier: Marge, if I ever get proposed again, please gouge my eyes out.
Louie: We can teach you how to do it too. The secret is not to stop until you hear a pop.

Fat Tony: I like you. I don't know whether to smack you on your kisser or kiss you on your smacker.
Selma Bouvier: And I don't know whether to peck you on your kicker or kick you on your...

[at Selma and Tony's wedding]
Homer Simpson: Yes! I am so happy I lived to see this day. He did give her the kiss of death, right?
Marge Simpson: No!
Homer Simpson: [disappointed groan] Aww! I decorated her car for nothing.
[cut to a car outside with banners reading "JUST MURDERED"]

Homer Simpson: Well, if it isn't Before and After. Blob and blob lite. Tweedle-Yuck and Tweedle-Blech.
Fat Tony: Ahem. I hope I'm not interrupting.
Homer Simpson: [scared] Um, Fat Tony. I was just complimenting your beautiful girlfriend while insulting her hideous twin.
Marge Simpson: I'm sorry, Fat Tony. My husband doesn't realize what he's saying, then five seconds later...
Homer Simpson: [scared] Oh, my God!
Fat Tony: All will be forgiven. If you sketch a portrait of Patty showing her inner beauty.
Homer Simpson: You are cruel but fair.

Tooshie: You two look so pale. But don't worry. Every light here is a tanning light.
Marge Simpson: Can you read by them?
Tooshie: You know, no one's ever tried.

Comic Book Guy: And how do you know the bride?
Marge Simpson: I'm her sister! And you?
Comic Book Guy: I bought her pool table on Craig's List. Consider yourself slighted.

Plastic Surgeon: Tony, the surgery was a complete success, so can I take your cousin, the "anesthesiologist," off the payroll?
Fat Tony: You certainly may. Now where is my Selma?
Selma Bouvier: Here's the part that's not in the trash. Mm-hmm.
Fat Tony: Ooh, boys, I'd like a little privacy with Selma. Why don't you take the doctor out back?
Louie: Should we take care of him or "take care of him"?
Fat Tony: Take... care of him.
Louie: I don't know what that meant. Was it the first one or the second one? I can't ask him, otherwise he's gonna "take care of me."

Selma Bouvier: So, you're here for an eye test? Read this.
[she puts a "closed" sign on the counter]
Fat Tony: [opening it back up] Process my form.
Selma Bouvier: [grumbling] I'm afraid this is the wrong form. The one you want is on that table.
Fat Tony: And if I retrieve that form, will I be able to maintain my advantageous position in line?
Selma Bouvier: Try it and see.
[he turns around to leave]
Selma Bouvier: Nope.

Selma Bouvier: Which of you losers is next in line?
Fat Tony: [reading her nametag] Hello, "Selma". I'd like to submit a change of address.
Selma Bouvier: Leaving Mockingbird Lane, Mr. Munster?

Marge Simpson: Selma, I just can't get over the new you.
Selma Bouvier: The world's a different place when you've got a waist. The clerk in the electronics store asked me if I needed help.
Patty Bouvier: [impressed] Ooh.

Selma Bouvier: [kidnapped by Fat Tony] The view was better inside the sack.
Fat Tony: You are one tough cookie. I'll tell you what, I'll let you pick which body part I cut off first.
Selma Bouvier: Fine. I choose my love handles.
Fat Tony: What?
Selma Bouvier: Then my arm wattles, my cankles, and finish off with my excess back fat.
Fat Tony: You do not register the level of fear, say, Louie here would.
Louie: Yeah, show some respect for the process.

Fat Tony: Selma, will you share my life with me?
Selma Bouvier: Oh, Tony, if there were an Italian word for yes, I'd be saying it right now.

Homer Simpson: Cant we stay a little longer? The Occurrence and I were going to go get broiled.
Marge Simpson: Sorry, The Occurrence, but to use your lingo, I have to be "that guy".
The Occurence: Whoa, whoa! You don't want to be "that guy"!
Homer Simpson: I don't want to be that guy, but she's making me be "that guy".
Marge Simpson: Enough!

Selma Bouvier: [taking off her bikini top in the hot tub] Ah. The boys needed to breath.
Homer Simpson: Wouldn't they be girls?
Selma Bouvier: Mine are boys.