Billy West: Philip J. Fry • Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth • Dr. Zoidberg • ...

The Late Philip J. Fry

Philip J. Fry • Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth • Dr. Zoidberg • Year 5 Million Male

Philip J. Fry: All in all, I've led a full life. Let's say the three of us grab a six-pack and watch the universe end?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Hear, hear!
Bender: That's basically what I do every day.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Just slow it down. I'll just shoot Hitler out the window.
[Shoots]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Darn! I hit Eleanor Roosevelt by mistake.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Behold! A time traveling machine!
[Fry and Bender gasp]
Bender: Time? I can't go back there!
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Ah, but this time machine only goes forward in time. That way you can't accidentally change history, or do something disgusting like sleep with your own grandmother.
Philip J. Fry: I wouldn't want to do that again.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Yoohoo, boys! What's this era in human history like?
Man in the Year 10 Million: The machines. We built them to make our lives easier, but they rebelled. They won't stop until every human is dead!
Bender: This seems like a nice future. Let's just stay here. We can settle down on that mountain of skulls.
[Farnsworth starts the machine, they travel]
Bender: Hey! That place had a gorgeous view of Blood Lake.

Philip J. Fry: So, what was the purpose of life anyway?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Who knows? Probably some hogwash about the human spirit.
Bender: Mmm-hmm.
Philip J. Fry: Sounds about right.

Year Fifty Million Woman #1: Greetings, time travelers.
Bender: Stupid jerks won't let me stay in the good future.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: How did you know we were time travelers?
Year Fifty Million Woman #2: We too have studied the time travel enigma.
Year Fifty Million Woman #3: We have perfected a method that uses negative mass neutrino fields that allow us to travel backwards in time.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: My name's Hubert.
Philip J. Fry: All right! We can go home!
Bender: [Mocking Fry] Nyah-nyah, we can go...
[Razzberry]
Year Fifty Million Woman #1: We can talk about our research tomorrow. Men are rare in our society. Even very old and stupid males are priced. Tonight, please be our guests of honor in a fertility banquet.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Well, there certainly is no harm in a fertility banquet.
Philip J. Fry: I can eat, and fertilize.
Year Fifty Million Woman #1: Very well. Anoint our guests in oil without using our hands.
Bender: Oh, so we can stay in the future you like, but not the future I like? Next!
[Benders starts up the time machine again and they leave the year 50 Million]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: No! I was about to close the deal!
Philip J. Fry: Bender, they had a backwards time machine!
Bender: The other place had a lot of nice things too. Did you even see that mountain of skulls?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Why you...
[Slaps Bender very weakly]
Bender: Oh no you didn't!
[They fight]

Philip J. Fry: Please, let me make it up to you. I'll treat you to a fancy birthday dinner tonight at Cavern on the Green.
Turanga Leela: Wow, that'll be the nicest place I've ever been stood up.
Philip J. Fry: Not this time. No matter what happens, I swear I'll be there.
Bender: Guys, guys! Hedonismbot is finally settling down and marrying a nice house in the suburbs, but tonight, he's having the girls-gone-wildest bachelor party of all time!
Philip J. Fry: Whoo-hoo... who cares! I'm having dinner with Leela
Turanga Leela: Just go to your stupid party. We can have dinner on my birthday some other year.
Philip J. Fry: No. I can throw up on a stripper anytime. Tonight, I want to not throw up, on you.
Turanga Leela: Really?
Bender: Your loss. Hey, Professor! You're my wingman.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Very well. Eh, Cubert, fetch my drinking teeth.

Philip J. Fry: Stop. Somewhere, sometime, Leela's waiting for me.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Fry's right.
Bender: Yes, we have to work together, and not have this fight I was definitely winning.

Philip J. Fry: I just need to sign Leela's birthday card. How do you spell XO?
Amy Wong: Guh, it's a record-your-own-message card. You don't sign it, you leave a nude video greeting.
Philip J. Fry: Does it have to be nude?
Amy Wong: I guess not. That never occured to me.

Philip J. Fry: [Sees the ruins of the Statue of Liberty] No! They did it! They blew it up!
[Camera pans to ape version of Statue of Liberty]
Philip J. Fry: And then the apes blew up their society! How could this have happened?
[camera pans to other Statues of Liberty]
Philip J. Fry: And then the birds took over and ruined their society! And then the cows, and then... I don't know, is that a slug, maybe? Noooo!

Dr. Zoidberg: The three co-workers I knew are now dead!
Turanga Leela: Fry stood me up to go to that party, and now he's dead? I'm so angry! Yet also sad. But I'm still angry, yet also sad! Can I be both?
Hermes Conrad: It's what we would have wanted.
Turanga Leela: Then that's what I am!
Turanga Leela: [Kicks TV] Hi-yah-wah-ha-ha!

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: The year One Billion. I have a feeling this is exactly the point in time we've been looking for.
[They step out; the earth is scorched and desolate]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Nope.
[Scans around with a device that beeps and displays an X]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: In fact, all life is extinct.
[Bender chuckles]
Philip J. Fry: So, let's keep going forward.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Oh, it's no use. The Earth is dead. It's the end of all things.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: My God, is it possible?
Philip J. Fry: It must be possible, it's happening. By the way, what's happening?

Fry: [recording a record-your-own-message birthday card for Leela] Happy birthday, Leela! I'm really sorry I'm gonna be one minute late, because we're testing the Professor's dumb time machine. But, well, happy birthday and all, and, I love you.
Fry: [the Professor accidentally moves the switch which makes him, Fry and Bender go deep forward in time. Fry loses his card] Ah, my card!