Jim Parsons credited as playing...
Sheldon Cooper
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!
- Leonard Hofstadter: No, I didn't do it for the money.
- Sheldon Cooper: She stiffed you?
- Penny: I believe that's what your roommate did to *her*.
- Sheldon Cooper: What?
- Penny: Again, read the book we gave you!
- [Amy is trying to convince Sheldon to attend a fund raiser, which he has skipped because he feels it's demeaning]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: If your friends are unconvincing, this year's donations might go to, say, the Geology Department.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, dear! Not the dirt people!
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Or worse. It could go to: the liberal arts.
- Sheldon Cooper: No!
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists, and students of gender studies.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, the Humanities!
- [first lines]
- Raj Koothrappali: Here's what I wonder about zombies:
- [the others groan]
- Raj Koothrappali: What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.
- Howard Wolowitz: You take this one. I spent an hour last night on "How do vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror?"
- Sheldon Cooper: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Case closed.
- Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, okay. So, zombies.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj. Are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like in '28 Days', if those zombies didn't eat, they starved.
- Howard Wolowitz: Yes, you're thinking of '28 Days Later'. '28 Days' is where Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state.
- Sheldon Cooper: Just because the nice man is offering you candy doesn't mean you should jump into his windowless van.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump...
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, wow!
- Howard Wolowitz: Yess!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Then she stuck her tongue down my throat.
- Sheldon Cooper: Why?
- Penny: Okay, we can't keep explaining everything. Read that book we got you.
- President Siebert: [Putting his arms around Sheldon and Leonard's shoulders] How are we doing today?
- Sheldon Cooper: That depends. How much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder?
- President Siebert: Sorry, Dr. Cooper, I forgot you have a touch phobia.
- Sheldon Cooper: It's not a touch phobia, it's a germ phobia. If you'd like to go put on a pair of latex gloves, I'll let you check me for a hernia.
- Sheldon Cooper: I refuse to be trotted out and shown off like a prize hog at the Texas State Fair, which, by the way, is something you don't want to attend wearing a Star Trek ensign's uniform.
- Leonard Hofstadter: She wants to have dinner and talk about my research.
- Sheldon Cooper: An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where are you going, the drive-thru at Jack In the Box?
- Sheldon Cooper: Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider just this once using your genitalia to actually accomplish something!
- Sheldon Cooper: No. No. No. I'm just here for your money. I don't want to shake anyone's germy hands.
- Sheldon Cooper: Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.
- Sheldon Cooper: Penny, you're an expert at exchanging sexual favors for material gain. Walk him through this.
- Penny: What was that about me trading sexual favors for material gain?
- Sheldon Cooper: It's a compliment. I believe in giving credit where credit's due.
- Sheldon Cooper: [answering the phone] Cooper-Hofstadter residence; go for Cooper.
- Sheldon Cooper: Good morning, Mrs. Latham.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes, of course I remember you; a woman well past her prime seeking to augment her social status by doling out her late husbands ill-gotten gains.
- Sheldon Cooper: So, how much money you going to give me?
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, if you're not going to give me money, then why are you calling?
- Sheldon Cooper: [passes the phone to Leonard] She wants to talk to you. Who's crazy now?