Tina Fey credited as playing...
Liz Lemon
- Jack Donaghy: What about Toofer?
- Liz Lemon: I don't know if you've heard, but he went to Harvard.
- Jack Donaghy: So we know he's smart and good at masturbation.
- Liz Lemon: Yeah!
- [They high-five]
- Liz Lemon: [the writers put an insulting name on Liz's door] These douche-b's have been doing this for weeks.
- Jack Donaghy: [reads] "Lez Lemon."
- Liz Lemon: First thought.
- Jack Donaghy: [reads] "Winona Ryder in a Hundred Years."
- Liz Lemon: Weak!
- Jack Donaghy: [reads] "Fart Barfunkel."
- Liz Lemon: Indian food.
- Jack Donaghy: [reads] "Paul Simon."
- Liz Lemon: I don't get that, but it hurts.
- Jack Donaghy: The only thing I will be discussing with the House Subcommittee on Baseball, Quiz Shows, Terrorism, and Media is vertical integration.
- Liz Lemon: What's vertical integration?
- Jack Donaghy: Imagine that your favorite corn chip manufacturer also owned the number one diarrhea medication.
- Liz Lemon: That'd be great, 'cause then they could put a little sample of the medicine in each bag.
- Jack Donaghy: Keep thinking.
- Liz Lemon: [beat] Except then they might be tempted to make the corn chips give you...
- Jack Donaghy: Vertical integration.
- Jack Donaghy: In a post-apocalyptic society, what possible use would they have for you?
- Liz Lemon: Travelling bard.
- Jack Donaghy: Radiation canary.
- Jack Donaghy: I really resent the Congresswoman's accusations. I've long been an advocate for diversity. It's made this nation great. The Chinese built the railroads, the Irish built and then filled the jails...
- Liz Lemon: A guy named Juan built my armoire.
- Jack Donaghy: Diversity means new ideas and new markets. It is our best hope for true innovation.
- Liz Lemon: Did you tell all that to Congresswoman Bookman?
- Jack Donaghy: No, I was too busy trying to remember the name of the black kid on "Community".
- Liz Lemon: [mispronounces name] Donell Glover.
- Pete Hornberger: Liz, quick question about the Johnny Appleseed sketch. Does it hurt it if we can't call him Johnny Appleseed?
- Liz Lemon: Yes! Why?
- Pete Hornberger: Well, Johnny Appleseed was a real guy and his descendants are very litigious.
- [Both roll eyes]
- Pete Hornberger: So, here is a list of the names that legal says we can use: Jerry Bananaseed... and... nothing else.
- Liz Lemon: Great so what are my choices? Either I argue with legal or I spend all day writing something else. Does anyone care how hard I work - ?
- Pete Hornberger: [Interrupting] Doh! We can't use Jerry Bananaseed, someone with that name killed a bunch of nurses in Portland.
- [Liz sighs]