Seth MacFarlane credited as playing...
Ted
- Ted: [Ted and Tami-Lynn grunting and moaning] Stick your finger in the loop of my tag!
- Frank: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public.
- Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And a sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
- Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.
- Ted: You got a lot of problems, don't ya?
- Ted: Oh hey listen, try this, I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that.
- [Ted passes a bong to John]
- Ted: .
- John: What is this?
- Ted: It's called "Mind Rape", it's actually pretty mellow.
- John: It doesn't sound very mellow.
- Ted: Well he only had three other batches: "Gorilla Panic", "They're coming! They're coming!" and something called "This Is Permanent"... Go on, spark it up!
- [from trailer]
- Ted: I met a girl; she's a cashier.
- John: No way! That's awesome! We should fuckin' double date or something, you, me and Lori and w-what's her name?
- Ted: White trash name. Guess.
- John: Mandy.
- Ted: Nope.
- John: Marilyn.
- Ted: Nope.
- John: Brittany?
- Ted: Nope.
- John: Tiffany.
- Ted: Nope.
- John: Candace.
- Ted: Nope.
- John: Don't fuck with me on this! I know this shit!
- Ted: Do you see me fuckin' with you? I'm completely serious.
- John: Alright, speed round. I'm gonna rattle off some names, and when I hit it, you fuckin' buzz it, okay? You got me?
- Ted: You do it. I will tell you. Yeah.
- John: Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fuckin' *Becky*?
- Ted: No.
- John: Wait; was it any of those names with a "Lynn" after it?
- Ted: *Yes*.
- John: Oh, I got you, motherfucker! I got you!
- [Ted laughs]
- John: Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn...
- Ted: Tami-Lynn.
- John: [Exasperated] *Fuck*!
- [from trailer]
- [thunder is heard outside]
- Lori: I don't - I don't understand. I really don't. You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little thunder?
- John: I am not!
- [Ted comes running into the bed]
- Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
- John: Fucking right.
- Ted: Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.
- John: Alright.
- John, Ted: [singing] When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / "Fuck you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / 'Cause you're just God's farts!"
- [blow raspberries]
- Ted: Oh look Johnny, if we're ever gonna get serious about openin' a restaurant we gotta start plannin' it now.
- John: Italian.
- Ted: Italian, yes.
- John: What's the special on Tuesdays?
- Ted: Eggplant parm.
- John: Chopped salad half price.
- Ted: And it's a non-restricted place.
- John: Yeah. Wait, whaddaya mean?
- Ted: Anybody can come.
- John: Of course.
- Ted: Jews are welcome.
- John: Well yeah, I mean why wouldn't they be?
- Ted: Exactly, that's what I'm saying.
- John: Yeah, but why even bring that up?
- Ted: You don't bring it up. You just let 'em in.
- John: So why mention it?
- Ted: No one will.
- John: So why are we talking about it?
- Ted: You're talkin' about it, I'm just sayin' let 'em in.
- John: Yeah, let 'em in.
- Ted: Exactly.
- John: Right.
- Ted: Good.
- John: Okay.
- Ted: No Mexicans, though.
- [Ted drives John's car out of the car rental lot, nearly hitting another car in front of him]
- Driver: Asshole!
- Ted: That's my bad, I was sending a Tweet.
- Lori: [Enters apartment and sees Ted and four hookers on the couch watching TV] Oh...
- Ted: Lori, hey, you're home early.
- Lori: What the hell is this?
- Ted: The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill, where Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister, and it's, it's just awful. It's unwatchable, but y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.
- Lori: This place is a wreck! Who are these girls?
- Ted: Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!
- Lori: [Looks down on floor] What is that?
- Ted: Wha- what is what?
- Lori: There's a... a shit on my floor! In the corner, there is a shit!
- Ted: Oh, yeah, Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare, and, uh, Charene was pretty ballsy.
- Lori: There is a shit on my floor!
- Ted: Well, or, or, is the floor on the shit? Is what Kierkegaard would say.
- John: [John pokes a lobster head from out the door] Rawr!
- Ted: Hahaha!
- John: Who lives here? I'm comin' to get who lives here! You owe me lobster money!
- Ted: Ahahaha! That's my buddy Johnny. Not the lobster, the guy runnin' it.
- John: [Enters the apartment] I found my phone. What's going on.
- [John suddenly looks down on the floor]
- John: Is that a shit?
- [Lori looks at John]
- John: Ted!
- Ted: I'm alive, Johnny!
- John: Oh, my God!
- Ted: I'm alive. Your magical wish worked!
- John: You're back!
- Ted: Yeah, I mean, when you sewed me up you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places, so I'm a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever?
- [starts laughing]
- Ted: I'm just kidding you. I thought it would be funny if you thought I was fucking retarded.
- John: You asshole!
- Ted: Come here, you bastard. Ha-ha! Ah!
- Lori: Welcome back, Ted.
- John: It was you. You did it.
- Ted: Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back.
- Lori: No. No, no. I wished for my life back.
- Ted: All right, kid, you win. We'll do it your way. What do you want to do? You want to play a game? It's playtime, right? We'll play a game.
- Robert: Yeah, I want to play a game.
- Ted: Good, good. Uh, all right. Let's see. How about... How about we play a little game of hide and seek?
- Robert: I love hide and seek. I'll hide.
- Ted: Wait now, hang on a sec, there. Your dad likes you to show good manners. Right, Tubby McFat-Fuck?
- Robert: Okay, you hide first.
- Ted: Great. Fantastic. Okay, now you count to a hundred, and then you try to find me, okay?
- Robert: Okay. Uh, do I need to wash my hands before I play this game?
- Ted: No. That's a weird fucking question. No, just start counting.
- [Norah Jones is in her dressing room preparing a drink when Ted and John arrive]
- Ted: Hey, play 'Chopsticks', you jazzy slut!
- Norah Jones: Teddy!
- Ted: Hahaha! How are you?
- Norah Jones: [Hugs Ted] How are you, you fuzzy asshole?
- Ted: Well, you know I'm not a hot half-Muslim chick who sold over 37 million records, but I'm hanging in there.
- Norah Jones: Well, half-Indian, but... thanks.
- Ted: Hey, whatever. Thanks for 9/11. Hey listen - I want you to meet a good pal of mine, all right? John Bennett, Norah Jones.
- John: [Approaches Norah to shake her hand] Hi, hi, Norah Jones.
- Norah Jones: Hey. Hey there, sweaty.
- [wipes hand on her dress]
- Norah Jones: Um, you ready to bring down the house?
- John: Yes, ma'am. Yeah, thank you for the opportunity. Miss... Ma'am Jones, I... thank you.
- Ted: Jesus, you look fantastic.
- Norah Jones: Well, you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed.
- Ted: [laughs] Yeah, I know, right? You mean... me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at Belinda Carlisle's house. And we had awkward fuzzy sex in the coat room.
- Norah Jones: Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis.
- Ted: Yeah, you know, I've written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.
- Sam J. Jones: We are gonna party like the '80s.
- Ted: Show us how, Flash.
- Sam J. Jones: It's easy. We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.
- Ted: Oh Johnny, I got so much energy. We gotta start doing stupid shit.