Donald Glover credited as playing...
Troy Barnes
- Troy Barnes: If someone had sex with Chang and get to not remember it happened, that's a gift from God. I'm not taking that away from her.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Here's a good reason. You ever find parsley in your teeth that your friends hadn't told you about? Now imagine your teeth are a uterus, and the parsley is a half-Chinese baby.
- Troy Barnes: Okay. I have to figure out if Shirley did it with her ex-husband the week after Halloween.
- Pierce Hawthorne: How are you gonna do that?
- Troy Barnes: I got moves.
- [Approaches Andre]
- Troy Barnes: So, bun in the oven. Guess it's no surprise, after working on it.
- Andre Bennett: I wouldn't quite say working on it, just kind of happens.
- Troy Barnes: Oh, yeah, I do. Especially when the season's right. Oh. Dead leaves. Pumpkins everywhere. Nature's Viagra, right?
- Andre Bennett: I guess.
- Troy Barnes: And then when all the pumpkins just start to rot and all the children have removed their outfits because they've already gotten their candy.
- Andre Bennett: You know, I'm gonna go talk to some other people, all right?
- [He leaves]
- Pierce Hawthorne: So?
- Troy Barnes: His mind is like a fortress.
- Troy Barnes: Remember that Halloween party that none of us can remember?
- Pierce Hawthorne: I don't remember anything we can remember.
- Jeff Winger: Hey, guys, I want you to meet someone.
- Quendra: My name's Quendra, I spell it with a Q-U.
- Jeff Winger: She's thinking about taking anthropology. So maybe she would make a nice addition or two to our study group.
- [Annie overhears and looks over her shoulder]
- Jeff Winger: Something to consider.
- Quendra: [to Troy] Are you Abed? I love Star Wars.
- Jeff Winger: That's Troy.
- Quendra: I love footballs.
- Troy Barnes: Jeff, we're dealing with heavier things right now than your shameless lobbying.
- Annie Edison: [gasps excitedly] Rich brought kettle corn!
- Troy Barnes: Kettle corn? That's a fun-time snack.
- Andre Bennett: Hey, how about a round of soft serve on me?
- [Andre exits]
- Shirley Bennett: Isn't he handsome?
- Britta Perry: Shirley, I've been fed a lot of soft serve by a lot of guys. Sometimes it's rent money, sometimes it's Chili Peppers tickets. And, yeah, I'll admit it, one time it was a gym bag full of nickels. But it never lasts and they never change.
- Shirley Bennett: Britta, I'm a grown-ass woman and I made my decision.
- Britta Perry: How do you know it's the right one?
- Shirley Bennett: Because I'm pregnant, okay? I was going to wait to share my exciting news, but now's a good time to tell you that I am eight weeks along. Which is a little surprising.
- Troy Barnes, Pierce Hawthorne: Halloween.
- Shirley Bennett: What?
- Troy Barnes, Pierce Hawthorne: Nothing.
- Ben Chang: [from the top of a bookcase above the group] "Chang" the subject.
- Troy Barnes, Jeff Winger, Annie Edison, Abed Nadir, Pierce Hawthorne, Shirley Bennett, Britta Perry: [shocked] Aah!
- Troy Barnes: [loudly] What are you doing up there?
- Ben Chang: It's the beginning of a new semester of anthropology and I'm here to get what I was promised.
- Jeff Winger: Sure. Who her has Chang's pile of nothing?
- Ben Chang: You know what I mean. I'm sick of the run-around. I'm here to demand an immediate answer about whether I'm joining the study group.
- Jeff Winger: Well, if we have to give an immediate answer, it would have to be no.
- Ben Chang: Take your time. Sleep on it. Then get back to me, or else.
- Annie Edison: Jeff, you did say we would let him in eventually.
- Jeff Winger: That was before he started using his name as a pun. It makes me so Changry.
- [Annie gasps]
- Jeff Winger: Oh, God, it's happening to me.
- Troy Barnes: Let's get back to who Annie's in love with. Is it Fat Neil?
- Abed Nadir: Bluestreak?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Pierce: Optimus Prime?
- Annie Edison: Ok, even I know some of these are Transformers.
- Jeff Winger: [irritatedly] Who cares who it is? Let's just study.
- Abed Nadir: Study what? We haven't had our first class yet.
- Jeff Winger: [insistently] Well, can we talk about something other than Annie's love life?
- Shirley Bennett: [smiles and nods her head] We could talk about my love life.
- Jeff Winger: Is it Jean Claude Van Overbite?
- [Annie rolls her eyes]
- Abed Nadir: We should really start learning people's names.
- Jeff Winger: I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.
- [Abed mimics gunshot at Jeff in agreement]
- Jeff Winger: Hey, guys, I want you to meet someone.
- Quendra: My name's Quendra, I spell it with a Q-U.
- Jeff Winger: She's thinking about taking anthropology. So maybe she would make a nice addition or two to our study group.
- [Annie overhears and looks over her shoulder]
- Jeff Winger: Something to consider.
- Quendra: Are you Abed? I love Star Wars.
- Jeff Winger: That's Troy.
- Quendra: I love footballs.
- Troy Barnes: Jeff, we're dealing with heavier things right now than your shameless lobbying.
- Annie Edison: [gasps excitedly] Rich brought kettle corn!
- Troy Barnes: Kettle corn? That's a fun-time snack.
- Abed Nadir: Dr Rich, What sets your kettle corn apart?
- Rich: Well, it's a secret ingredient, a couple extra pinches of love.
- Troy Barnes: Oh. You can't beat that.
- Abed Nadir: That feels good.
- Jeff Winger: Not this again. Rich, you know they're doing a fake morning show. There are no cameras.
- Rich: Rich: I know. It's just a fun way to start the day. So grab a paddle, partner, and hop on in here.
- Jeff Winger: You know what, that does sound...
- [turns and exits]
- Rich: Yeah.
- Abed Nadir, Rich, Troy Barnes: Troy and Abed in the morning
- Troy Barnes: I'm relieved Shirley is seeing her ex-husband and not Chang.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Chang, why would she be with Chang?
- Troy Barnes: Why do I have to say everything I'm thinking? I wish my mouth was further away from my brain. I wish my brain had its own brain. I wish Chang hadn't had sex with Shirley.
- Pierce Hawthorne: What? When? Where? How?
- Troy Barnes: I can't talk about it.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Troy, I'm your roommate. I can keep a secret.
- Troy Barnes: Okay, remember that Halloween party that none of us can remember?
- Pierce Hawthorne: I don't remember anything we can remember.
- Troy Barnes: Well, Chang left me a message that night saying they did it, but you can't tell anybody.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You have my word as your roommate, and that is a bond I will never violate.
- [begins typing on his phone]
- Troy Barnes: [snatches Pierce's Phone] You can't tweet it either.
- Pierce Hawthorne: We never discussed new media.
- Troy Barnes: Why are you using your l-Iove-butterflies voice?
- Annie Edison: What? Am I? I don't know. Volunteer work is nice. You do nice things with nice people.
- Troy Barnes, Britta Perry, Jeff Winger, Pierce Hawthorne, Shirley Bennett: Ooh.
- Britta Perry: Somebody's finding river fingers with a cute boy.
- Annie Edison: What? No. Well, okay, yes, but it doesn't matter. It's not like I'm seeing anyone. There's just a guy.
- [Jeff looks concerned]
- Abed Nadir: A guy that goes to Greendale?
- Annie Edison: Mm-hm
- Abed Nadir: Is it the Russian guy that looks like a short Johnny Depp?
- Annie Edison: It doesn't matter.
- Troy Barnes: Is it the guy who looks like Vince Vaughn but smells like fish?
- Annie Edison: I don't wanna talk about it.
- Shirley Bennett: Well, I have someone in my life that I'm happy to talk about.
- Britta Perry: Again with the Jesus.
- Shirley Bennett: Jesus is always in my life, but things have been looking better every day with my ex-husband.
- [Britta's smile fades to concern]
- Abed Nadir: Is it the guy that looks like Anderson Cooper, but with a soul patch and the ponytail?
- Annie Edison: [insistently] No.
- Troy Barnes: Is it black Michael Chiklis?
- Annie Edison: [irritatedly] No!
- Pierce Hawthorne: White George Foreman?
- Britta Perry: You guys are talking about the same person. He's bi-racial, his name is David, and he's a human being.
- Annie Edison: Guys, stop guessing. It's not a thing at all, it's just a friend. Change the subject.