Alison Brie credited as playing...
Annie Edison
- Shirley Bennett: We've got to do something about Pierce and those painkillers.
- Jeff Winger: He's recovering from broken legs.
- Troy Barnes: I'll say. He can moonwaaaalk!
- Jeff Winger: I'm sure he's almost through his prescription. Besides he's a baby boomer, they invented drugs.
- Britta Perry: Yeah, they also invented TV, have you seen him control one of those?
- Annie Edison: [pointing at the others] Intervention? Intervention? Intervention?
- Jeff Winger: Count me out.
- Shirley Bennett: We can't count you out, he listens to you.
- Jeff Winger: Well, he also listens to the Barenaked Ladies, go get their dumb asses to help you.
- Troy Barnes: [everyone gasps in horror] Okay Jeff, you are clearly in a bad space today, but Pierce is our friend, and the Barenaked Ladies are triple platinum, are you?
- Jeff Winger: Why does everyone leap to defend that band so aggressively and how much stuff do we have to go through this year before my friendship stops being questioned?
- Annie Edison: Well, maybe friendship is about going through a lot of stuff Jeff, and maybe BNL has two Billboard Awards to your zero!
- Jeff Winger: Oh, okay, they're BNL now? We need a shorthand for the Barenaked Ladies. That's how fundamental they are.
- Abed Nadir: Fundamental.
- Jeff Winger: You know what Pierce probably needs more than anything? Some space. Maybe I do too.
- Britta Perry: [yelling angrily] You know what? Maybe we all need some space, to pull the knife out of the back of the most celebrated Canadian alt-rock band of the mid 90s, you selfish, jaded ass!
- Annie Edison: So, like, would you change clothes in front of her?
- Britta Perry: Annie, I know your lack of world experience creates curiosity, but questions like that can make you seem a bit homophobic.
- Annie Edison: It's homophobic to ask questions?
- Britta Perry: If you have to ask if it's homophobic to ask questions, haven't you already answered your own question?
- Annie Edison: Have I?
- Britta Perry: Don't know. Not a homophobe.
- Annie Edison: [spots Page] Oh.
- Britta Perry: Oh. There's Page. Should I ask her 500 questions about being a lesbian? Or should I just treat her like a normal person? That's a question you can ask.
- [Britta walks over to greet Page]
- Britta Perry: Hey, how are you?
- Page: What's going on?
- Claire: [Claire joins Annie] Hey.
- Annie Edison: Hi.
- Claire: I'm not a lesbian.
- Annie Edison: Oh. I'm not either.
- Claire: Oh.
- Annie Edison: But it's cool that you're friends with one.
- Claire: Oh. Page isn't a lesbian. She just likes hanging out with Britta. It makes her feel cool to have a lesbian friend.
- [chuckles uncomfortably]
- Claire: Heh, heh.
- Annie Edison: But, Britta's not a lesbian. She thinks that Page is.
- [gasps]
- Britta Perry: [Britta joins Annie and Claire] Guess what, Annie. Page and I are going to the dance together. Hope I stay straight, right?
- [clicks tongue]
- Britta Perry: [to Claire] Oh, sorry, my friend's a tad homophobic, so I was doing a bit.
- Claire: Oh... heh.
- Britta Perry: [exits] Bye.
- Shirley Bennett: Pierce?
- Pierce Hawthorne: [grunts] Mm-hmm
- Shirley Bennett: What was that?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Gum.
- Annie Edison: Why aren't you chewing?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Because I'm using my mouth for this dumb conversation.
- Britta Perry: I never said I was a lesbian. Why didn't you just ask me?
- Page: Oh, what am I, a homophobe? I don't care about people's preferences.
- Britta Perry: You so care. You were clearly just hanging out with me because you thought I was gay.
- Page: So, what you were doing with me?
- Britta Perry: Hey, what does it matter, you know? We're both just humans trying to make our way through this crazy world.
- Page: You're the worst.
- Britta Perry: What?
- Page: And for the record, I never thought you were cool. I only thought you were a lesbian.
- [exits]
- Britta Perry: [Annie enters] Page is straight.
- Annie Edison: Really? Well, when she was gay, I thought it was really cool of you to make out with her.
- Britta Perry: Thanks, Annie.
- [Annie and Britta embrace]
- Man: Come on. Kiss her!
- [Britta scoffs, Annie leans in]
- Britta Perry: Annie.
- [Britta shakes Annie]
- Britta Perry, Page: [laughter] Bye.
- Britta Perry: [Britta walks in the study room] That's my friend, Page. She's cool, but... whatever.
- Troy Barnes: She's cute.
- Britta Perry: Oh, Troy.
- [chuckles]
- Britta Perry: Heh. Before you go barking up that tree, I have to tell you she might not be interested.
- Annie Edison: Why wouldn't she be...?
- [gasps]
- Annie Edison: Oh. Is she a friend of Ellen?
- Britta Perry: Yes, Annie, but you can say the word. Page is a... lesbian.
- [all heads turn to look at Pierce]
- Britta Perry: Pierce, as someone who's been calling me a lesbian for the last year and a half, I'm sure you don't have anything to say about me being friends with one.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Nothing off the cuff. What I do have is a prepared statement.
- [Pierce opens his satchel on the table, changes his glasses, pulls out his statement and inhales deeply, cut to intro]
- Pierce Hawthorne: [intro ends] ... And in summation, good luck and bon appétit.
- [group is nonplussed]
- Jeff Winger: Many, many paragraphs of that were oddly supportive.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Wait till you hear the one I have for you.
- [Pierce takes a pill]
- Shirley Bennett: Okay, I know that wasn't gum.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You're right. It was an awesome exit pill.
- [Pierce rises]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Zip, zop, zooey. Bye.
- [Pierce moonwalks exit, all heads turn to look at Jeff]