Christopher Meloni credited as playing...
Detective Elliot Stabler
- Detective Olivia Benson: You get anything out of Skinny and Dipper?
- Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, he can't stop staring at her ass and she can't wait to never see him again.
- Sassoon: That girl in the fountain was already dead when I cut her hair.
- Detective Olivia Benson: Yeah, but not when you raped her. You're going down for that and murder.
- Sassoon: No, no, I got a lullaby.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: You want to sing us a few bars?
- Sassoon: I was at Bananatrama all night.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: That's an alibi, not a lullaby, you moron.
- Detective Olivia Benson: Captain say how long we'd be here?
- Detective Elliot Stabler: Nah. He's at the old precinct trying to clean it up.
- Detective Olivia Benson: You hope they condemn it.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: Hell, yeah. After a flood like that, I don't even want to know where that water's been.
- Detective Olivia Benson: Not to mention this place is closer to your house.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah? Something wrong with that?
- Witt Worley: This wouldn't be so bad if it was me and that lady cop instead of you.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: You want to do to my partner what you did to that blond girl last night?:
- Witt Worley: My reputation precedes me.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah.
- Witt Worley: What'd she say?
- Detective Elliot Stabler: Ehh, she's not doing too much talking. Yeah, being raped and murdered will do that to you.
- Witt Worley: Okay, me and blondie had sex, but I sure as hell didn't rape and kill her.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: Blondie? What's her real name?
- Witt Worley: She never said. She just came up to me near the reservoir and said she was hot and wet.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: A stranger in the park throws herself at you because, why, you're so charismatic?
- Witt Worley: Look, the sex was consensual, okay? She even took out a tampon before we did it.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: Okay. Where's the tampon?
- Witt Worley: Killer ate it. My dachshund. I had to take him to the vet.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: Your dog ate your homework? You just got an "F" for your alibi.
- Dr. Vincent Prochik: [Benson was accidentally dosed with psychedelic mushrooms] Glad to see you're okay, Olivia. Fungi should never hurt anyone.
- Detective Olivia Benson: [to Stabler] Get anything useful yet?
- Detective Elliot Stabler: Uh, no, but I've had it about up to here with the... "subtle and the disgusting"?
- Dr. Vincent Prochik: Subtle and the gross, detective. Gross as in big, like gross profit. Have you ever been on a beach?
- Detective Elliot Stabler: [sotto to Benson] You see, watch this. He keeps doing these sudden mental pivots.
- Dr. Vincent Prochik: Lindsay Elding. She wanted to privatize water. It's a resource that belongs to everyone.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: Doesn't justify murder.
- Dr. Vincent Prochik: Oh, I agree. I hate to say it but... Yay! She's dead!
- Detective Olivia Benson: She had a daughter, Dr. Prochick. Who's now gonna grow up without a dad.
- Dr. Vincent Prochik: [Correcting Benson] You mean a mom?
- Detective Elliot Stabler: A mother. That you dosed with several kinds of South American mushrooms. Your specialty.
- [Stabler slides a photograph across the table to Prochik]
- Detective Elliot Stabler: We have a photo that puts you at the scene.
- Detective Olivia Benson: [Suddenly delirious] At Niagara Falls? Ring a bell?
- Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Benson] Detective, are you okay?
- Detective Olivia Benson: [still delirious] We saw you on the roof with your gunmen.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: What's going on?
- Detective Olivia Benson: I'm not the one who stabbed the Captain with a pickle!
- Dr. Vincent Prochik: Uh-oh. Let me look at you.
- [Stabler intervenes and holds off Prochik]
- Detective Elliot Stabler: I need you to back off.
- Dr. Vincent Prochik: [to Benson] Let me see your eyes.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: [to Prochik] You, stay there.
- Dr. Vincent Prochik: Quick, catch her. She's gonna fall.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: [Benson starts to pass out but Stabler catches her] Liv. Liv! Get a bus! We need a bus! Officer down!
- A.D.A. Mikka Von: [walking out of the courthouse with Stabler] I think we're gonna make a great team
- Detective Elliot Stabler: Me too.
- [Stabler sees Cragen walking up the courthouse steps]
- Detective Elliot Stabler: Captain. How's the old place?
- Donald Cragen: It's all getting squared away.
- A.D.A. Mikka Von: Captain Cragen. I've been looking forward to meeting you. Mikka Von, your new ADA.
- Donald Cragen: Yeah, well, nice knowing you. Your boss called. He's tied up. Asked me to deliver a message. Pack your bags. Go back to Chicago.
- A.D.A. Mikka Von: [scoffs] I'm being fired by proxy?
- Detective Elliot Stabler: What's going on?
- Donald Cragen: Apparently, you sent a defense attorney on vacation, sub rosa. D.A. doesn't like dirty tricks.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: Unless he's the one doing them.
- Donald Cragen: I'm sorry.
- A.D.A. Mikka Von: [to Stabler] Well, I guess I gotta go take my loft off the market.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: [shakes hands with Mikka] Been nice working with you.
- A.D.A. Mikka Von: Back at you.
- [Mikka walks away]
- Donald Cragen: She one of the good ones?
- Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah.
- Judge Miranski: [Stabler walks away from the judge, having failed to get a recess before the judge turns his attention back to Prochik] Continue, Dr. Prochik
- Dr. Vincent Prochik: Uh, yes. I killed the Cola Queen. Because she was trying to play God. Who shall live and who shall die?
- Detective Elliot Stabler: [removes his suit jacket, clearly faking] I'm hot.
- Dr. Vincent Prochik: Our very survival depends on fresh water.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: [removing his tie] Oh, boy is it hot in here.
- Judge Miranski: [sternly] Detective Stabler!
- Detective Elliot Stabler: [unbuttoning his shirt] Are you hot in here? I didn't order that pizza. I didn't order that pizza. I don't even like anchovies.
- Judge Miranski: Detective!
- Detective Elliot Stabler: All I want to do is get to the Garden.
- Judge Miranski: That's it. I find you in contempt. Officers, restrain this man.
- A.D.A. Mikka Von: Your Honor, Detective Stabler was exposed to neurotxic mushrooms in the line of duty. He is not in compos mentis.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: [being taken out by the court officers] Your Honor, Al and Mike and Todd were gonna go water skiing at the Garden.
- Judge Miranski: Call an ambulance.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: I didn't order that pizza. Your Honor, I'm not even a fan of anchovies. Boy, is it hot in here.
- CSU: [showing Benson and Stabler something on the body] Detectives? This is not a fashion statement.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: So our perp cut off a hunk of her hair as a keepsake.
- Detective Olivia Benson: So he can relive every sick moment.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: 'Till he finds his next victim.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: Bad news. Night manager of Bananatrama confirms Sassoon's "lullaby". He's a regular. He was booted out of there for giving Miss Terry an unwanted bob.
- Detective Olivia Benson: What time?
- Detective Elliot Stabler: 4:30. After our Jane Doe was drowned.
- Detective Olivia Benson: So we're back to nothing.
- A.D.A. Mikka Von: [entering] Speak for yourself. Mikka Von, your new ADA.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: Hey. Stabler, Benson.
- A.D.A. Mikka Von: I don't get first names?
- Detective Olivia Benson: Well, we go through ADAs pretty fast around here. What do you got?
- A.D.A. Mikka Von: DNA from the semen inside your victim.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: You work fast.
- Detective Olivia Benson: Well, it says here that it belongs to a woman. Monica Worley, collared for assaulting a cop at the Republican National Convention in '04.
- Detective Elliot Stabler: Yeah, I got an SVU fun fact for you: semen only comes from guys.
- A.D.A. Mikka Von: There were no hits on the sample. So I asked the lab to run a partial match.
- Detective Olivia Benson: Which points to Monica's brother as our perp.