Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

A Pudding-Filled Cactus

Charlie Harper

Alan Harper: [after texting his girlfriend to break up with her, he gets her return text] Oh, Melissa is not taking it well.
Charlie Harper: [takes the phone and reads] "I hate you, you stupid... cork soaker?"
Alan Harper: Auto spell-check. Anyway, I gotta go.

Alan Harper: [after cheating on Lyndsey with Melissa] It was a crazy impulse. Old girlfriend. It was a one-time thing. Uh, well, technically, it was a two-time thing. Second one was in the shower.
Charlie Harper: Well, that *is* where you've been practicing!

Melissa: [Waiting for Alan to come home] Doesn't Alan usually come home right after work?
Charlie Harper: Usually.
Melissa: Hope he didn't get into an accident.
Charlie Harper: Nah, I'm not that lucky.
Melissa: How can you say that?
Charlie Harper: I'm just stating a fact.

Berta: [after Alan moves out] End of an era, huh, Charlie?
Charlie Harper: Yep. From now on, no brother, no nephew, just the sounds of the ocean... punctuated by the soft voices of prostitutes lying about the enormity of my sexual organ.
Berta: You do know how to paint a picture.
Charlie Harper: What can I say? I have the heart of a poet.
Berta: Unfortunately, the rest of you is a drunken scumbag.

Charlie Harper: [Showing his disgust at Alan sleeping with Melissa while living with Lyndsey] I'm experienced at promiscuity. *This* is polygamy! And frankly, I find it extremely distasteful!
Alan Harper: Oh, *this* you find distasteful? The man who was asked to leave Bangkok for moral turpitude... finds *this* distasteful?
Charlie Harper: That was a misunderstanding. I had no idea it was an endangered species!
Alan Harper: Nothing I'm doing requires a 10-day quarantine... and a series of rabies shots!

Alan Harper: Oh, my God! Lyndsey is apologizing to me! Ha, ha... Says she was wrong!
Charlie Harper: About what?
Alan Harper: What difference does it make?
[laughing with joy]
Alan Harper: I won an argument with a woman!

Alan Harper: [after breaking up with Melissa] Well, uh, I guess it's time to go home... and come clean with Lyndsey.
Charlie Harper: No, no, no! No coming clean! Unless you're banging Mr. Bubble.
Alan Harper: I don't want to build our new life together on a foundation of lies.
Evelyn Harper: Oh, yes, you do!
Charlie Harper: Listen to your mother!
Evelyn Harper: Trust me. No good ever comes from revealing an indiscretion.
Alan Harper: And you know this, how?
Evelyn Harper: I'd rather not say.
Alan Harper: You're saying when you were married...
Evelyn Harper: Whoa! Whoa! When did everything become about me?

Alan Harper: [Alan goes to Charlie's house to see Melissa and tries to lie about secretly living with Lyndsey] I would've been home earlier, but we had a, uh, little situation at the office.
Charlie Harper: [knows that Alan is lying and finds it amusing to make the situation more difficult for him] Oh, no! What happened?
Alan Harper: Um, well, I, uh, lost a patient.
Melissa: Oh, my God! Someone died?
Alan Harper: Oh, no, no. Not, you know, lost like died. Uh, more like, uh, uh, misplaced.
Melissa: Oh, thank goodness.
Charlie Harper: Alan, I'm just wondering. How does a chiropractor misplace a patient?
Alan Harper: Good question.
Charlie Harper: I thought so!
Alan Harper: Well, uh, he's an elderly fellow... uh, who, in addition to scoliosis... also has dementia. I just spent the last hour and a half driving up Ventura Boulevard... looking for a, you know, shirtless, hunched-over, 80-year-old man. Found quite a few, heh. But, uh, none of them were mine.
Melissa: [Looking concerned] So, he's still out there?
Alan Harper: Yeah.
Charlie Harper: [Feigning seriousness] Did you call the police?
Alan Harper: Yes, Charlie, I did.
Charlie Harper: [Continuing to sound serious] What did they say?
Alan Harper: They thanked me for my help... and told me to go home and let them do their job. So here I am. Home. Better late than never.
Charlie Harper: Oh, please! You've never given never a chance!