Jon Cryer credited as playing...
Alan Harper
- Alan Harper: [after texting his girlfriend to break up with her, he gets her return text] Oh, Melissa is not taking it well.
- Charlie Harper: [takes the phone and reads] "I hate you, you stupid... cork soaker?"
- Alan Harper: Auto spell-check. Anyway, I gotta go.
- Melissa: [after making love with Alan] Can we do this again?
- Alan Harper: Again? Well, maybe you can do it again, but men are different!
- Alan Harper: [after cheating on Lyndsey with Melissa] It was a crazy impulse. Old girlfriend. It was a one-time thing. Uh, well, technically, it was a two-time thing. Second one was in the shower.
- Charlie Harper: Well, that *is* where you've been practicing!
- Charlie Harper: [Showing his disgust at Alan sleeping with Melissa while living with Lyndsey] I'm experienced at promiscuity. *This* is polygamy! And frankly, I find it extremely distasteful!
- Alan Harper: Oh, *this* you find distasteful? The man who was asked to leave Bangkok for moral turpitude... finds *this* distasteful?
- Charlie Harper: That was a misunderstanding. I had no idea it was an endangered species!
- Alan Harper: Nothing I'm doing requires a 10-day quarantine... and a series of rabies shots!
- Alan Harper: Oh, my God! Lyndsey is apologizing to me! Ha, ha... Says she was wrong!
- Charlie Harper: About what?
- Alan Harper: What difference does it make?
- [laughing with joy]
- Alan Harper: I won an argument with a woman!
- Charlie Harper: [Seeing Alan texting with this phone] What are you doing?
- Alan Harper: Telling Melissa it's over.
- Evelyn Harper: [Exasperated] With a text?
- Alan Harper: Well, I'm putting a little sad face at the end.
- Alan Harper: [after breaking up with Melissa] Well, uh, I guess it's time to go home... and come clean with Lyndsey.
- Charlie Harper: No, no, no! No coming clean! Unless you're banging Mr. Bubble.
- Alan Harper: I don't want to build our new life together on a foundation of lies.
- Evelyn Harper: Oh, yes, you do!
- Charlie Harper: Listen to your mother!
- Evelyn Harper: Trust me. No good ever comes from revealing an indiscretion.
- Alan Harper: And you know this, how?
- Evelyn Harper: I'd rather not say.
- Alan Harper: You're saying when you were married...
- Evelyn Harper: Whoa! Whoa! When did everything become about me?
- Alan Harper: [Alan goes to Charlie's house to see Melissa and tries to lie about secretly living with Lyndsey] I would've been home earlier, but we had a, uh, little situation at the office.
- Charlie Harper: [knows that Alan is lying and finds it amusing to make the situation more difficult for him] Oh, no! What happened?
- Alan Harper: Um, well, I, uh, lost a patient.
- Melissa: Oh, my God! Someone died?
- Alan Harper: Oh, no, no. Not, you know, lost like died. Uh, more like, uh, uh, misplaced.
- Melissa: Oh, thank goodness.
- Charlie Harper: Alan, I'm just wondering. How does a chiropractor misplace a patient?
- Alan Harper: Good question.
- Charlie Harper: I thought so!
- Alan Harper: Well, uh, he's an elderly fellow... uh, who, in addition to scoliosis... also has dementia. I just spent the last hour and a half driving up Ventura Boulevard... looking for a, you know, shirtless, hunched-over, 80-year-old man. Found quite a few, heh. But, uh, none of them were mine.
- Melissa: [Looking concerned] So, he's still out there?
- Alan Harper: Yeah.
- Charlie Harper: [Feigning seriousness] Did you call the police?
- Alan Harper: Yes, Charlie, I did.
- Charlie Harper: [Continuing to sound serious] What did they say?
- Alan Harper: They thanked me for my help... and told me to go home and let them do their job. So here I am. Home. Better late than never.
- Charlie Harper: Oh, please! You've never given never a chance!