Bruce Willis credited as playing...
Self
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [whispering, Bruce lights and smokes a cigarette, referring to the cigarette] You can't smoke in here, give it to me.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [smokes the cigarette and put it out in the soil of the fern tree to his left, to the camera] Hello and welcome to another edition of "Between Two Ferns", I'm Zach Galifianakis and my guest today is Bruce Willis.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [screen caption: Actor "Moon Lighting"] Movie star and "harmonica-ist."
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [they both look up and see what the noise is] What is that? a wasp? So how many children do you have?
- Bruce Willis: Three.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: Three, which is your favorite? Ashton?
- Bruce Willis: [remains silent, shakes his head]
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [referring to Ashton Kutcher] Do you get his tweets? Like do you call him and say "hey I got your tweets, pretty good tweeting today. When you were making The Whole Ten Yards? Were you ever worried that it'd be "too good"?
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [Bruce remains silent, looking bored, looking at his notes] I'll just keep moving, did you know some actors turned down roles?
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [remains silent, ignores him] Any plans to reboot the Grumpy Old Men franchise?
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [Bruce shakes his head] I'm going to need you to loosen up a little bit, this is very hard for me I'm a little intimidated and you don't seem to be answering the questions and I...
- Bruce Willis: [interrupts him, leans closer to Zach and whispers] Have started? We're not doing anything right now right?
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: No, no, no, we've been doing it for about four minutes.
- Bruce Willis: [softly] What's the time?
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [ignores his question] What are you talking about Willis?
- Bruce Willis: [remains silent, annoyed that Zach just ignored his question]
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [referring to his previous question] Have you ever heard that before?
- Bruce Willis: No, it's a little easy, I gotta tell ya.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [smirks, referring to Bruce's movie Look Who's Talking 1998] Look who's talking.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [takes out a speed stick deodorant and rubs it underneath both arm pits] Product placement.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [to a staff member standing off camera] Under the armpits?
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [throws the speed off the stage behind Bruce, picks up and looks at his notes, to Bruce] Let's talk about, where do you keep your Oscar, your "Oscore", your trophy? I mean your Blockbuster Entertainment Award? Where do you keep that?
- Bruce Willis: [ignores his question, referring to the early part of his career] It's a great award, I look at it every day and it reminds me of what used to be, how much fun it used to be.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: Yeah I mean those were the good old days...
- Bruce Willis: [interrupts him] The 80's, the 80's man, you can get away with anything.
- Himself - Host: [confused] Yeah
- Bruce Willis: [recollecting his life during the 1980's] women were much cleaner, much cleaner then, patent leather shoes and women's toenails, clicking on the pavement, as you go by the store Anthropologie, you go in to buy some candles and it's just, all of a sudden you're going "I can't get the candles today Brendona.
- Himself - Host: [still confused] Bruce, what's wrong? I mean...
- Bruce Willis: [interrupts him, continuing to recollect his life during the 1980's] you'll see, it's all parties, getting blown up and down Hollywood Boulevard my friend and then the phone stops ringing ok? And you're going to get to that fucking point and you're going to go "now I get it, now I'll understand, then you're sitting in a room and it's just you and all your cousins.
- Himself - Host: [hears a clicking noise, his left arm of his sport coat catches on fire from the cigarette he thought he extinguished before] is that a wasp again?
- Bruce Willis: [sees the fire, runs off the stage and off camera] don't move
- Himself - Host: [panicking] where you going?
- Himself - Host: [Bruce returns with a fire extinguisher and extinguishes the fire, segment ends] Ashton should tweet this