Robert Webb credited as playing...
Jeremy Usborne
- [Jeremy and Super Hans are rehearsing with their new band. Jeremy tries to play a saxophone but can't]
- Super Hans: Jez, mate, can you stop jamming?
- Jeremy Usborne: You can't stop someone from jamming, that's against jam law.
- Super Hans: Dude, that's not jam, that's just total fucking marmalade.
- Jeremy Usborne: [has walked in on Mark and Gerard playing with action figures] Sorry to interrupt you playing, boys.
- Mark Corrigan: We're not, we're just arranging our models. With some noises.
- Mark Corrigan: [sipping his tea] Hold on. I didn't think we had any milk.
- Jeremy Usborne: Er... no, we do.
- Mark Corrigan: No, we definitely don't, cos I couldn't have any Sultana Bran this morning. There's no milk in the fridge, except...
- [realises Jeremy has used the breast milk for the baby]
- Mark Corrigan: OH!
- Jeremy Usborne: Mark, relax.
- Mark Corrigan: This is Sophie's milk, isn't it?
- Jeremy Usborne: Think of it as lady milk, from the human cow.
- Mark Corrigan: Jeremy, this... it's... it's one step away from cannibalism!
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh, right, so it's weird to drink milk from someone you know, but to drink milk from another species, some cow you've never met, that's fine, is it?
- Mark Corrigan: Yes! Yes, it bloody well is!
- Jeremy Usborne: Well, suit yourself.
- [sips his tea]
- Jeremy Usborne: Mmm, luxury milk!
- [Mark grimaces]
- Mark Corrigan: What are you doing back from your new job so early? Fired already?
- Jeremy Usborne: I'm back so early because I have the coolest job in the world and Ben is the coolest boss in the world. I asked him when I should come in tomorrow and he said "whenever you can make it." His motto is "The work never starts."
- Mark Corrigan: That's his motto? What's his annual turnover?
- Jeremy Usborne: Who gives a shit? We don't make money, money makes us.
- Mark Corrigan: What does that even mean?
- Jeremy Usborne: I'm gonna to light up a fatty and crack open my brand-new Xbox. Good luck with the regression session.
- Mark Corrigan: Look, I'm sorry if in an infantilised world I've somehow ended up with the non-cool toys, but why exactly is arranging a model of the greatest liberal hero of the 20th century somehow less cool than pretending on a computer that you're a Russian pimp stealing imaginary cars?
- Jeremy Usborne: I dunno, dude, I don't make the rules.
- Jeremy Usborne: Enjoy playing with soldiers and wanking over Dobby on Facebook.
- Mark Corrigan: For God's sake, Jeremy. That's disgusting.
- [Jeremy leaves]
- Gerard: Did you ever actually, er...?
- Mark Corrigan: Well, you know, on occasion.
- Gerard: Corfu '06?
- [Mark nods]
- Gerard: It's cool, man. I mean, I've never actually gone that far myself. But everything's cool in Dobby Club.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Ugh, we're the Dobby Club. Or the Dobby Ring. Can two people be a ring?
- Jeremy Usborne: It turns out, the website, it's really mainly about the merch.
- Mark Corrigan: Merch?
- Mark Corrigan: Merchandise. Ben says "I'm all about the merch. Cut me and I bleed merch." I can't believe I had him at my mercy in the hospital and I let him go. If I'd know he was such an arsehole I'd at least have given his tube a little waggle.
- Mark Corrigan: Yeah, murdering your enemies is quite a simple solution, which I guess is why in ethics and law it's so frowned upon.