David Mitchell credited as playing...
Mark Corrigan
- Jeremy Usborne: If you had to, would you have sex with me?
- Mark Corrigan: It's a stupid question.
- Jeremy Usborne: If you had to? If the men came and they made us, with their guns?
- Mark Corrigan: Oh, I don't know. I suppose... maybe I could do it, just so long as you didn't...
- Jeremy Usborne: What?
- Mark Corrigan: Enjoy it. I think maybe I could make it through, as long as I knew you weren't enjoying it.
- Jeremy Usborne: Hang on, you're saying you could rape me but you couldn't make love to me? That is so you. That is you all over.
- Mark Corrigan: Jeremy, do you think we could take a brief time-out from the masturbate-athon that is your life to go to my son's Christening?
- Jeremy Usborne: Has it never occurred to you that two human beings of the opposite gender could have a simple human relationship without sex being involved? You think you know me so well, but you don't.
- Mark Corrigan: Jeremy, you once told me that chairs make you feel horny.
- Jeremy Usborne: We need to relax.
- Mark Corrigan: You can't relax! We've got to fight, worry, speculate, tut, pace, swear!
- Jeremy Usborne: Why?
- Mark Corrigan: Because it's an emergency, and in an emergency you watch breaking news and count your tins of butter beans, you don't sit in the garden and put on Kiss FM!
- Jeremy Usborne: Dude, we're here for the duration. Let's chill out.
- Mark Corrigan: We're have an obligation to be anxious, it's a mark of respect for the gravity of the situation!
- Jeremy Usborne: [on the phone to Mark] What are you doing in a phone box? Have you put a farthing in the slot?
- [to Zahra]
- Jeremy Usborne: Hey, Mark's in a phone box?
- Zahra: Is it an ironic thing?
- Jeremy Usborne: Are you doing it ironically?
- Mark Corrigan: No, I've simply got rid of my mobile.
- Jeremy Usborne: You've what? Oh my God, this is massive! What are you gonna do next, move into a hut and start drinking your own piss?
- Mark Corrigan: We've got a landline. Times are hard, Jeremy. I'm putting my clarinet on ebay, I'm making my own hummus. This is the end times, a mobile's a luxury.
- Jeremy Usborne: Yeah, right! What if I need to contact you? What if I take a mega-trip and forget who I am? What if we run out of Marmite and you're at the corner shop? These are all real-life nightmare scenarios.
- [Mark and Jeremy are trapped in the hallway of a house]
- Jeremy Usborne: 'Suppose we do need to get out of here quite soon, before the air supply runs out.
- Mark Corrigan: What?
- Jeremy Usborne: Well, in here, the air supply's gonna run out sooner or later.
- [Mark looks at him]
- Jeremy Usborne: What? I'm not an idiot - why does that make me an idiot?
- [Mark is sticking his arm through the front door letterbox]
- Jeremy Usborne: Are you posting yourself out piece by piece?
- Mark Corrigan: I'm trying to catch the light with my watch face, send out an SOS, morse code. A passer-by might notice it.
- Jeremy Usborne: Uh-huh. Maybe you'll attract a naval captain who'll come and rescue us in his frigate.
- [Jeremy is relieving himself through the letterbox]
- Mark Corrigan: You're actually doing it?
- Jeremy Usborne: Yes, I'm actually doing it!
- Mark Corrigan: God, Jeremy! What if someone outside thinks it's some sort of comment? I hope there's no black or minority ethnic person walking past who thinks it's...
- Jeremy Usborne: Mark, it's a perfectly friendly piss, I'm not...
- [he sees someone coming through the frosted door window and jumps back]
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh, shit! Withdraw all units!
- [whispers]
- Jeremy Usborne: If it's the cops, don't open the door.
- Mark Corrigan: I can't open the door, Jeremy. That's one of the key things about this whole situation.
- [a man wearing a motorbike helmet knocks on the door. The pizza that Jeremy ordered has arrived]
- Pizza Delivery Man: Pizza.
- Jeremy Usborne: Pizza! Nutritious, delicious pizza!
- Mark Corrigan: How's he supposed to deliver it through a locked door?
- Jeremy Usborne: I've thought about that.
- [to the pizza delivery man]
- Jeremy Usborne: Uh, just slide that baby through the letterbox, dude.
- Mark Corrigan: Of course, the letterbox. Your new pleasure portal.
- Pizza Delivery Man: It won't fit, mate. It's a large one.
- Mark Corrigan: Defeated by your own greed. It's like a Grimm's fairytale.
- Jeremy Usborne: Piece by piece, dude. Piece by piece.
- Mark Corrigan: Oh, you've got to be joking!
- Pizza Delivery Man: OK, money first.
- [Jeremy pushes some money through the letterbox]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] This is so not how I imagined the day of my first-born son's Christening.
- [the pizza man pushes a slice through the letterbox, but it has a draft-preventing brush which is scraping off all the topping]
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh, shit, no! The brush! Dude, dude, we're getting fucked with the brush!
- [disappointedly looks at his topping-free pizza slice]
- Jeremy Usborne: Do you want some?
- Mark Corrigan: A slice of bristly, cheese-free pizza, lightly brushed in your piss? How can I refuse?
- Jeremy Usborne: What happens if you eat letterbox hair?
- Mark Corrigan: Strangely there's been very little research into that scenario.
- Jeremy Usborne: Does post even need brushing? Who wants brushed post?
- [notices some post on a table and picks up a magazine in a plastic packet]
- Jeremy Usborne: Hang on, dude, I've got it! I've got a sheath.
- [he pushes it through the letterbox]
- Jeremy Usborne: Use this as a protective covering.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Look at him, the James Dyson of pissy pizza.
- [the pizza man pushes the magazine back through the letterbox, folded with a slice of pizza sandwiched in it]
- Jeremy Usborne: Yeah... Hey Mark, it's working! We've cracked it!
- [takes a bite of pizza]
- Jeremy Usborne: Mmm. We should sell these. Periodical pizza shields. We could take these to the Dragons!
- Mark Corrigan: We'll make our fortune. This is a situation millions of people find themselves in every day. There's no name for this situation, it's so unusual!
- Mark Corrigan: [picking up a phone] Right, what's Sophie's mobile number? 07700, that's definitely how it starts...
- Jeremy Usborne: You can do it, Rain Man.
- Mark Corrigan: 07700... 900563? I think that's right. It's ringing, it's ringing! Hello?
- [he hangs up]
- Mark Corrigan: It's not her, it was a man.
- Jeremy Usborne: Try again. Try all the variations.
- Mark Corrigan: Try all the variations of the five or six numbers I'm not sure of?
- Jeremy Usborne: Yeah. There can only be a few variations.
- Mark Corrigan: Of all the numbers?
- Jeremy Usborne: Yeah.
- Mark Corrigan: You really are an imbecile, aren't you?