Chevy Chase credited as playing...
Pierce Hawthorne
- [Pierce forces his way into the game]
- Abed Nadir: As the goblins retreat, you notice a naked sixty-seven year old man with no weapons lying in the grass shivering. His name is...
- Pierce Hawthorne: Pierce Hawthorne and I'm sixty-six, dick.
- Abed Nadir: In about thirteen turns, he will die of exposure. Jeff?
- Jeff Winger: I wait fourteen turns.
- Jeff Winger: Fine, Pierce, you win. Just kill us and end this.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Oh, no. Killing's too good for you. Cast shape change on Duquesne.
- [Annie gasps]
- Abed Nadir: What shape do you choose for him?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Fat.
- [drawn out]
- Shirley Bennett: Pierce, stop it!
- Jeff Winger: [angrily] Pierce!
- Abed Nadir: Abed: Duquesne starts gaining weight. How much?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Make him as fat as Fat Neil.
- Jeff Winger: [threatening] Pierce!
- Pierce Hawthorne: Oh, right, cry. Let it out. Baste your chubby cheeks in tears of gravy. You weren't crying when you were stealing my friends.
- Neil: They asked me to come here.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You know why, right? I've got some fat news for you, Fat Neil. Don't you know why Jeff Winger, of all people, led the charge on the Fat Neil feel-good committee?
- Jeff Winger: [emphatically] Way over the line, Pierce.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I'll tell you why, because I was there.
- Jeff Winger: [flashback] Oh, they're down there by Fat Neil.
- Pierce Hawthorne: That's right, Neil. Your new best friend, Jeff Winger, coined the name Fat Neil.
- Shirley Bennett: [scolding] Jeffrey!
- Jeff Winger: Neil, look, before you respond, I can make it up to you. I'll find a fatter Neil.
- Troy Barnes: [weakly] Huzzah.
- Neil: You made up Fat Neil?
- Jeff Winger: Someone asked where the restrooms were. You were standing by them, but you were also standing kind of near, uh, other Neil.
- Neil: So call him Skinny Neil.
- Jeff Winger: He's not that skinny.
- Neil: He's bald, he's black.
- Jeff Winger: I don't look at the world through that lens. I shouldn't be high-roading you. I'm the bad guy.
- Pierce Hawthorne: [self-satisfied] You can all hang out in suspended humiliation and think about what you learned today. One, don't screw with me. Two, invite me to your crap.
- Jeff Winger: Pierce, you've made your point. You can ruin anything. Now come back and give Neil his sword.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Can't hear you over the sound of me rubbing his sword on my balls.
- Shirley Bennett: [scolding] Pierce!
- Annie Edison: [disgustedly] Oh, ew.
- Abed Nadir: You have successfully rubbed your balls on the sword.
- Jeff Winger: I run towards Pierce with my broadsword drawn and I attack...
- Pierce Hawthorne: [points at Jeff] Time stop!
- Jeff Winger: Time stop?
- Abed Nadir: Draconis has tons of spells. The six of you are completely frozen and helpless.
- Troy Barnes: This is why I wanted to play Chutes and Ladders.
- Jeff Winger: [Pierce shows up uninvited at the D&D session] Pierce! What are you doing here?
- Pierce Hawthorne: How about you answer that question. What the hell is this little theme party?
- Shirley Bennett: We are... playing Dungeons and Dragons.
- Pierce Hawthorne: First of all, gay! Second of all, stupid! And thirdly... why was this a secret?