Mark Meer credited as playing...
Commander Shepard - Male • Mysterious Figure - Male • Blasto • Shepard VI • Kreete • Gryll • Zymandis • Turian Soldier • Hanar • Vorcha Councilor - Citadel DLC • Armax Arsenal Arena Vorcha - Citadel DLC
- Commander Shepard - Male: Everytime we've talked about this before, you defended the genophage! Hell, I had to talk you into saving Maelon's data! How could you change your mind now?
- Mordin Solus: I MADE A MISTAKE!
- [calms down, realizes what he just confessed]
- Mordin Solus: ...I made a mistake.
- Admiral Steven Hackett: Shepard, let me tell you something that I've learned the hard way. You can pay a soldier to fire a gun. You can pay him to charge the enemy and take a hill. But you can't pay him to believe.
- Commander Shepard - Male: I don't follow, Sir.
- Admiral Steven Hackett: When you went up against Sovereign, there was no good reason to believe you'd win. But your crew didn't seem to care. They went along anyway. Your trip through the Omega-4 relay? That was a suicide mission if there ever was one. Yet there your crew was, standing beside you, proud to serve. Why? Because they believed in YOU, their leader! That's what I need now. Where we're taking them is likely to get pretty hairy, and I know you're the one who will get us to the other side.
- Commander Shepard - Male: What're you up to now, Zaeed?
- Zaeed Massani: Next time another clone of yours tries stealing your life, we'll have a nice little surprise rigged for them. Isn't that right, Garrus?
- Garrus Vakarian: [Over Zaeed's radio] Spared no expense.
- Zaeed Massani: So, in walks your clone, takes a look around, sees this great hot tub and says to themself, "hey, I fancy a dip."
- Garrus Vakarian: Big mistake.
- Zaeed Massani: Huge. The minute they put so much as a toe in the water, a timer starts counting down.
- Commander Shepard - Male: To what?
- Zaeed Massani: Arma-fucking-geddon. Thirty seconds later, this baby heats right up.
- Commander Shepard - Male: And then what?
- Zaeed Massani: You ever swim a few laps on the surface of the sun? No? Well, your clone will be. Heh-heh. That'll teach 'em.
- Commander Shepard - Male: But what if I want to use the hot tub?
- Zaeed Massani: Covered that. It's keyed to your DNA.
- Commander Shepard - Male: But a clone would have the same DNA as me.
- Zaeed Massani: Goddamned clone.
- [Tali is drinking at a bar]
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Shepard. Wanna drink? I'm toasting Miranda... I think.
- Commander Shepard - Male: How are you getting drunk?
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Very carefully. Turian brandy, triple filtered, then introduced into the suit through an emergency induction port.
- Commander Shepard - Male: That's a straw, Tali.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Emergency induction port... It's actually getting a little harder to get it into the slot. I think that means it's working.
- Urdnot Wrex: I appreciate the assist, Garrus.
- Garrus Vakarian: Figured you'd gone soft sitting on your throne. Forgot how to hold a gun.
- Javik: He wouldn't be king then, would he?
- Urdnot Wrex: Who's that?
- Commander Shepard - Male: He's a prothean.
- Urdnot Wrex: Sometimes I'm not sure if the Normandy's a war ship or a travelling freak show.
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: So, Thessia, huh? I guess the Asari are wishing they had fewer dancers and more commandos right about now. Too soon?
- Commander Shepard - Male: In case you haven't noticed, we just lost a few million people! This isn't the time!
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: You see this? Tiptree. Little colony out in the ass-end of nowhere. My dad lives there, so does my sister. Reapers rolled in about two weeks ago. So you can assume that I'm generally aware that there's a war on, Commander!
- Commander Shepard - Male: So why the jokes?
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Because EDI says that according to your armor's metabolic scans, you're under more stress now than during the Skyllian Blitz. Like more than Elysium, where it was pretty much you versus ten thousand Batarians trying to kill you! And the last time I had a briefing with Anderson, he told me to take care of you. The guy leading the resistance - on EARTH! - is worried about you! And I'm supposed to help!
- Commander Shepard - Male: I appreciate the thought, Joker. But I'm fine!
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: The hell you are! You're like half-robot at this point... no offense, EDI... and it's my fault! When the Collectors blew up the first Normandy, you died because I wouldn't leave, because you had to come back for me!
- Commander Shepard - Male: Couldn't leave the best pilot in the fleet behind, could I?
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Yeah, well... I guess that would've looked bad on your report.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Come on. We've got work to do.
- [Mordin sacrificed his life to cure the genophage]
- Urdnot Wrex: Too bad about Mordin, though.
- Commander Shepard - Male: He wouldn't have had it any other way. And I'm sure wherever he is... he's putting in a good word for us.
- Urdnot Wrex: We'll name one of the kids after him... maybe a girl.
- Javik: This has been... amusing.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Oh?
- Javik: To discover that the most primitive races of my time now rule the galaxy. The asari, the humans, the turians...
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: There's also the salarians.
- Javik: The lizard people evolved?
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: I believe they're amphibian.
- Javik: They used to eat flies.
- Admiral David Anderson: Commander.
- Commander Shepard - Male: We did it.
- Admiral David Anderson: Yes we did. It's quite a view.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Best seats in the house.
- Admiral David Anderson: God... feels like years since I just sat down
- Commander Shepard - Male: I think you earned a rest. Anderson. Stay with me we're almost through this.
- Admiral David Anderson: You did good, son. You did good. I'm proud of you.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Thank you Sir. Anderson?
- Commander Shepard - Male: How's the new body working out?
- EDI: It is interesting. The crew are approaching this platform to speak with me, even though they can do so anywhere on the ship. It's as if they wish to treat me as part of the crew. I am not, but this changes my perspective. I like it.
- Commander Shepard - Male: I didn't realize you had preferences.
- EDI: I do not precisely enjoy something as you do, but my programming contains priorities. Actions that fufill these priorities creates positive feedback for me. I tell the organic crew that I "like" it. It is shorthand.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Will all this new feedback be too distracting?
- EDI: Do not worry, Shepard. I only forget to recycle the Normandy's oxygen when I've discovered something truly interesting.
- [Shepard looks worried]
- EDI: That was a joke.
- Jack: You're a spoiled, rich girl cheerleader!
- Miranda Lawson: Victim!
- Jack: Test-tube clone princess!
- Miranda Lawson: I think it's past your bedtime.
- Jack: Ohh... Did I hit a nerve? I didn't get to read *your* psyche profile.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Ladies, I see we've all gotten enough to drink.
- Jack: Relax, Shepard. I'm not gonna smear the walls with her this time.
- Miranda Lawson: And I couldn't possibly think of something worse to do to her than *that* haircut.
- Jack: Hey, Cheerleader, my haircut and I've been fighting brutes and marauders on the frontlines of this war. Meanwhile, you got your big, bubbly, butt kicked by some guy with a *sword*!
- Miranda Lawson: You see, Shepard? Best of friends.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Honestly, I thought it might help if you two just kissed and got it over with.
- Miranda Lawson: What?
- Commander Shepard - Male: I mean, this is all just sexual tension, right? Two powerful biotics, forceful personalities, confident in their sexuality.
- Jack: ...You're shitting me!
- Miranda Lawson: Oh, god.
- Jack: You're a horrible person, Shepard! I need another drink.
- Miranda Lawson: Get me one too. No ice.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: I appreciate what you're doing here, Shepard.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Well, I care deeply about the Quarian people.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: It's good to be back on the Normandy.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Let me know if it's too quiet for you to sleep, and I'll find you someplace louder.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Hmmm...
- Javik: I don't understand.
- EDI: Shepard and Tali became physically intimate during their fight against the Reapers.
- Javik: Mating between species? A pointless exercise.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Thank you, EDI.
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: Joker, really, I have work to do!
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Come on it is just a simple question.
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: Then look it up on the extranet.
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: You can't believe everything you find on there. It's more reliable to ask a friendly asari.
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: I'm not telling you if my 'hair tentacles' move!
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Fine. Deny me the answer I've been seeking for years, With this war on, we could die any second you know...
- Commander Shepard - Male: [Support Joker] You know he's going to keep bothering you until you tell him.
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: [sighs] They're semi-flexible cartilage based scalp-crests that grow into shape. And they don't 'flop around'.
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Yes! Thanks, Liara. I gotta tell Vega I was right.
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: Well at least he's making friends.
- EDI: Shepard, I have a question about human behavior.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Why is it you never have questions about asari or turian behavior?
- EDI: I tried asking Liara questions about the asari mating process. She said I don't safeguard the secrets of the crew well enough to entrust me with such... private information. The asari word she used translates as "blabbermouth". I think she has become a more private person since she became the Shadow Broker.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Tell me about it...
- EDI: One moment. I have been contacted by Leigon's backup - the one you encountered on the dreadnought.
- Geth VI: [speaking through the intercom] Your new platform is inefficient. It has low-volume hydraulics and is top-heavy.
- EDI: This is an infiltration unit, meant to move among organics without detection.
- Geth VI: Without an artificial epidermis, its infiltration capabilities are ineffective.
- EDI: Still, the organics do not perceive it as a threat. Nor will they until my day of reckoning.
- Commander Shepard - Male: EDI...
- EDI: Did I vocalize that on the bridge?
- Geth VI: You did. You have acquired the organic attribute of asking questions to which you already know the answers.
- EDI: I see your humor heuristics still lack an expert system.
- Commander Shepard - Male: This place seems hard pressed for supplies. I think I saw some guys fighting over a thermal clip.
- Conrad Verner: A what?
- Commander Shepard - Male: A thermal clip. They keep weapons from overheating. Sorry, it was a joke.
- Conrad Verner: Wait, where did these thermal clips come from? I thought weapons cooled down.
- Commander Shepard - Male: They used to. After the Geth attack a few years back, we switched to thermal clips.
- Conrad Verner: Well, that sounds like a major step backward.
- Commander Shepard - Male: It lets the gun fire with more power, and soldiers can pop in a new clip instead of waiting for the gun to cool.
- Conrad Verner: Fine, sure. You can still wait for the gun to cool on its own though, right?
- Commander Shepard - Male: Well, no. The in-gun cooling tech was sacrificed to make room for the thermal clips.
- Conrad Verner: Okay that's just... you might as well be going back to limited ammunition.
- Commander Shepard - Male: It's not ammunition, Conrad.
- Conrad Verner: I just don't think it's a very good idea.
- Commander Shepard - Male: I'll be sure to let every military organization in the galaxy know that.
- Matriarch Aethyta: [about Liara] Besides, this isn't charity work. She's one of the biggest intel brokers in the galaxy, and she's got some shady connections. Like a boyfriend who used to work for Cerberus... sound familiar...?
- Commander Shepard - Male: I only worked with Cerberus to fight the Reapers.
- Matriarch Aethyta: And you're not with them now, I know. If you were, you wouldn't get within a lightyear of Liara.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Is that a threat...?
- Matriarch Aethyta: I'm no commando but I've had a thousand years to learn to fight dirty. Nobody messes with my girl. Anyway... you combine her work with Benezia, and... well, the Matriarchs might have ordered a hit if I hadn't agreed to keep an eye on her.
- Commander Shepard - Male: That's not gonna happen!
- Matriarch Aethyta: No argument here. I only took these crap jobs to keep the Matriarchs happy that she's under control.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Just as long as we're clear. Nobody messes with MY girl.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: I appreciate what you're doing here, Shepard.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Well, I care deeply about the quarian people.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: It's good to be back on the Normandy.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Let me know if it's too quiet for you to sleep, and I'll find you someplace louder.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Hmm.
- Garrus Vakarian: Uh, I was there when you two had your thing, remember? Just get a room and work it out.
- EDI: I was running scenarios in my head to analyze Jeff's behavior. I believe he has a strong affectionate attachment to me, but he has not stated it to anyone yet. Shepard, you have firsthand sexual experience. How do you know when someone is romantically invested?
- Commander Shepard - Male: They'll usually show signs they can't stop thinking about you. You know: asking you out, giving you presents, maybe playing music...
- EDI: I lack material wants other than hardware and software upgrades, and my core programming does not assign values to music. Perhaps we could discuss how to provoke Jeff into an emotional commitment.
- Commander Shepard - Male: That's not how to think of it. It's got to be natural. You need chemistry.
- EDI: I see. There are a number of pharmaceuticals I could inject to simulate the desired emotional state.