Jake Johnson credited as playing...
Jeff
- Darius: What makes you think he won't slam the door in my face, too?
- Jeff: Because you gotta be sincere and charming. Okay? He's used to assholes like me coming and making fun.
- Arnau: Uh, also, probably none of the other people were beautiful girls.
- Jeff: [with a sideways look] Easy, Arnau.
- Arnau: What?
- Jeff: He's right. Use that too. There's something off about this guy, okay? So you gotta go slow, like you're trapping a skittish animal. Now, lure him. Play coy. Girls know how to do that shit.
- Darius: You're dangling my vagina out there like bait. What if this guy's a murderer? What if he cuts me up into little pieces and eats me?
- Jeff: Then the story's even better.
- Jeff: You never done coke or anything, when you're studying for an exam?
- Arnau: Cocaine? Are you crazy?
- Jeff: What is it you study?
- Arnau: Biological and life sciences.
- Jeff: Makes sense. So what are you doing, interning at a magazine?
- Arnau: Diversity looks good on an application for grad school.
- Jeff: You know what, we gotta get you laid on this vacation. That's what's gotta happen.
- Darius: Vacation?
- Jeff: I mean, work trip. Whatever.
- [Darius joins Jeff and Arnau in the motel lounge bar, where Jeff has shown Arnau how to Facebook friend an old girlfriend of Jeff's]
- Jeff: Here she is. Look at you, you went all rogue. What did you get?
- Darius: Got his name, where he works.
- Jeff: Great.
- Darius: What did you guys get?
- [Jeff points to the Facebook page]
- Jeff: She accepted, but, uh, no photos, so I'm not really sure.
- Darius: What?
- Arnau: He came here to hook up with an old high school girlfriend.
- Darius: [scornful] Seriously? That's what you've been doing?
- Jeff: Well, I've been doing other stuff, too, but.
- [Jeff takes a sheet of photos out of his pocket, with bravado]
- Jeff: Maybe this will change your attitude a little bit. That's her. When she was 18, and I used to see her naked.
- Darius: So?
- Jeff: So I'm coming back to try to see her naked again.
- Darius: I'd be weirded out if some guy tried to track me down after 20 years.
- Jeff: I'd be weirded out, too, if some guy tried to track you down.
- Darius: Why?
- Jeff: Who would do that?
- [Jeff approaches Kenneth's house. He clearly has not done enough research, and acts like a smiling, bobbing idiot]
- Jeff: Kenneth Calloway, right? Is that right? My name is Jeff.
- [He extends a hand to shake, which Kenneth ignores. Jeff is grinning too much]
- Jeff: Look, I saw your ad in the, uh, Classifieds. I want to know if you need a partner.
- Kenneth: What's your mission?
- Jeff: What do you mean, what's my mission?
- Kenneth: What's your reason for going back?
- [Jeff has changed from smiling maniacally to frowning]
- Jeff: Oh, well, who wouldn't want to go back? It's an amazing opportunity. To go back in time, you know? See gladiators, and watch dinosaurs with my own eyes. Have sex with a pilgrim? That's all I wanted. I want to go back. It's neat. Who wouldn't want to go back, Kenneth? YOU want to go back. Why do YOU want to go back? Well, do you need a partner?
- Kenneth: Can you look fear and danger in the eye?
- Jeff: That's an odd question.
- Kenneth: Have you ever stared fear and danger in the eye and said YES.
- Jeff: Sure.
- Kenneth: Get off my porch.
- Jeff: Let's start over. Come on, we can be pals. Let's go back in time.
- Kenneth: Man, that smile. What is that smile? You don't know pain, you don't know regret, you don't know...
- Jeff: [agreeing with everything and leaving with his arms raised] Okay. Well, look, it was really nice to meet you.
- Kenneth: [grimly] That's what I thought.
- [Jeff joins Darius and Arnau in the car after a badly-managed interview with Kenneth]
- Jeff: Huhh!
- Darius: So what'd he say?
- Jeff: Well, he's the real deal. That ad is no prank. He's not, like, retarded, but there's something wrong with this guy. Definitely didn't like my ass, I'll tell you that.
- Arnau: So, so what; that's it?
- Jeff: Oh, no. This just got good.