H. Jon Benjamin credited as playing...
Sterling Archer
- Sterling Archer: What? Wait! So I've been treating my cancer with sugar pills?
- Dr. Krieger: Yeah, you didn't think it was weird that your chemo drugs were chewable?
- Sterling Archer: No! Little kids get cancer.
- Dr. Krieger: [sighs] They do.
- Sterling Archer: Wow, what a pussy! I could barely even keep up, he was spilling the beans so fast.
- Lana Kane: Well, you threatened to shove a knife up his dick-hole. Which, again, ick!
- Sterling Archer: Well, excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage.
- Sterling Archer: Seriously, these potato-heads have to be the unsexiest mob of all time.
- Paddy: You know who yer messin' with, boyo? You have any idea who our boss is?
- Sterling Archer: Nope, but a hundred people surveyed, number one answer's on the board.
- [He cocks his shotgun and aims it at Paddy's kneecap]
- Sterling Archer: Name the douchebag who's in charge.
- Paddy: Vincent... Van Gofuckyourself.
- Sterling Archer: Hmm. Vincent Van Gofuckmyself. Survey says?
- [He shoots Paddy's kneecap]
- Lana Kane: Jesus! Archer!
- Sterling Archer: What, Lana? I said it was a rampage!
- Lana Kane: Still, though!
- Paddy: [screaming in pain] Oh, you son of a whore!
- Sterling Archer: [in a mocking Irish accent] Save it for the fast money round, Paddy.
- [He turns to the second mobster]
- Sterling Archer: Hundred people surveyed, number one answer's still on the board. Name the douchebag who's in charge!
- [no response]
- Sterling Archer: Err-err! Need an answer!
- [the mobster spits in his face]
- Sterling Archer: Hmm. Cock-flavored spit. Well, you never know what's gonna be on the board. Let me see cock-flavored spit!
- [He shoots the second mobster's kneecap; Archer reloads as the mobster screams in pain]
- Sterling Archer: Guys, that's two strikes. One more wrong answer, and the innocent Honduran janitors get a chance to steal the bank!
- [He turns to the bound and gagged janitors]
- Sterling Archer: I'm just assuming you guys don't know what actually goes on here; I hope that doesn't sound racist.
- [He turns to Mikey]
- Sterling Archer: Okay, kid...
- Lana Kane: He IS a kid, Archer, so...
- Sterling Archer: Lana, you're in the isolation booth! Lookin' for the douchebag who's...
- Paddy: Mikey Hannity, you say one word, and I'll cut yer yellow heart out...
- Sterling Archer: Err-err!
- [He shoots Paddy dead]
- Mikey: OH, CHRIST!
- Sterling Archer: Mikey... you gotta listen to me. I have breast cancer.
- Mobster: Ha-ha, breast cancer!
- [With an annoyed look on his face, Archer shoots the second mobster dead]
- Sterling Archer: So you'll forgive my impatience, because I and a lot of other people have been trying to fight cancer with your boss's fake chemo drugs.
- Mikey: Chemo? They just told me it was cream for male pattern baldness!
- Sterling Archer: Do I look like I need bald guy cream? Mikey, I can barely get a comb through this. It's so thick, my barber charges me double. I love my hair. As I'm sure you love your kneecap.
- Mikey: Franny Delaney! He runs everything out here in Brooklyn! Numbers, protection, dope, prostitution!
- Sterling Archer: Victimless crimes, Mikey. Tell me about the counterfeit chemo drugs.
- Mikey: They make the pharmacists buy the real stuff! Delaney sells it to - I swear I don't know who, but they switch it with the fake stuff here! And those pricks do all the packin'!
- [Archer turns to the janitors]
- Sterling Archer: Wh - you guys are in on this? And I was worried about sounding racist!
- Lana Kane: [sarcastically] Were ya?
- Malory Archer: Sterling, no, you're not well. What are you going to do?
- Sterling Archer: Cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war.
- Lana Kane: Dogs... of war.
- Sterling Archer: Whatever farm animal of war, Lana! Shut up!
- Lana Kane: You good?
- [Archer takes several fast, deep breaths]
- Sterling Archer: RAMPAAAAAAAAAGE!
- [He dashes out of the car, but trips over his IV stand and falls]
- Lana Kane: Ugh...
- Sterling Archer: Little help?
- Lana Kane: Because I don't want it in my car!
- Sterling Archer: Well, what do you want me to do, Lana?
- [Archer holds up a used airsickness bag]
- Sterling Archer: Just throw it out the window?
- Lana Kane: Obviously!
- Sterling Archer: Oh.
- [Archer throws the bag out the car window, striking a pedestrian]
- Pedestrian: Ahhhhh!
- Sterling Archer: Ha, ha!
- Sterling Archer: Well, all of my hair fell out.
- Lana Kane: I'm sorry.
- Sterling Archer: Me, too. It was my fifth best feature.
- Ruth: Well, you're sweet enough to come see a sick old lady in the hospital.
- Sterling Archer: What? I didn't come by to see you. I'm trying to bang a candy striper.
- Ruth: Ha, ha, ha!
- Sterling Archer: Oh, man. What have I been doing?
- Lana Kane: Chain smoking joints the size of tampons.
- Sterling Archer: Ewwww.
- Lana Kane: Figure of speech.
- Sterling Archer: Still, though. Ewwww.
- Sterling Archer: And everybody else, shut up, and watch "Terms of Enrampagement".
- Cyril Figgis: Why don't you call it "Magnum, P.U."?
- Sterling Archer: It's a working title! Idiots!
- Malory Archer: Liked him better when he had cancer.
- Sterling Archer: First of all, WHAT THE SHIT, MOTHER?
- Lana Kane: Because, between the cancer and the chemo and the just shit-tons of weed...
- Sterling Archer: Ooh, actually, yeah, good idea. Let's hang back a second and burn one down.
- Lana Kane: WHAT?
- Sterling Archer: Well, first of all, you don't have to yell, Lana. I don't have ear cancer. And second, until I find out where Delaney is, please stop shooting people.
- Sterling Archer: So, shut up and watch my movie, for which I really need a better title.
- Cheryl: Ooooh! How about "Citizen Dickbag"? Snark victory.
- Ruth: Oh, you poor thing. Does someone you love have breast cancer.
- Sterling Archer: Yeah. Me. Umm, name's Archer.