Martin Freeman credited as playing...
Dr. John Watson
- [Sending John in the field, Sherlock looks at a case from the comfort of his apartment via webcam]
- Sherlock Holmes: Look, this is a 6. There's no point in my leaving the flat for anything less than a 7, we agreed. Now, go back, show me the grass.
- Dr. John Watson: When did we agree that?
- Sherlock Holmes: We agreed it yesterday. Stop! Closer.
- Dr. John Watson: I wasn't even at home yesterday. I was in Dublin.
- Sherlock Holmes: It's hardly my fault you weren't listening.
- [doorbell rings]
- Sherlock Holmes: [to the door] Shut up!
- Dr. John Watson: Do you just carry on talking when I'm away?
- Sherlock Holmes: I don't know, how often are you away?
- Sherlock Holmes: [to Watson] Punch me in the face.
- Kate: [scene cuts to Irene Adler having makeup applied in her apartment] Shade?
- Irene Adler: Blood.
- Dr. John Watson: [back in the street] Punch you?
- Sherlock Holmes: Yes, punch me, in the face. Didn't you hear me?
- Dr. John Watson: I always hear "punch me in the face" when you're speaking, but it's usually sub-text.
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh, for God's sakes!
- [Sherlock punches John hard across the face]
- Dr. John Watson: Oh!
- [Sherlock waits; John, now sufficiently roused, returns Sherlock's punch]
- Sherlock Holmes: [getting up from the ground] Thank you, that was... that was...
- [Not done, John delivers Sherlock a gut punch]
- Sherlock Holmes: [now being strangled] Okay, I think we're done now, John.
- Sherlock Holmes: You ought to remember, Sherlock, I was a soldier. I killed people.
- Dr. John Watson: You were a doctor!
- Dr. John Watson: I had bad days!
- Mrs. Hudson: It's a disgrace, sending your little brother into danger like that. Family is all we have in the end, Mycroft Holmes.
- Mycroft Holmes: Oh, shut up, Mrs. Hudson!
- Sherlock Holmes: [furious] Mycroft!
- Dr. John Watson: Hey!
- Mycroft Holmes: [long pause] Apologies.
- Mrs. Hudson: Thank you.
- Sherlock Holmes: Though do, in fact, shut up.
- Sherlock Holmes: Please don't feel obliged to tell me that was remarkable or amazing. John's expressed that thought in every possible variant available to the English language.
- Irene Adler: I would have you right here, on this desk, until you begged for mercy twice.
- Sherlock Holmes: [long pause] John, please can you check those flight schedules, see if I'm right?
- Dr. John Watson: Yeah, I'm on it, yeah.
- Sherlock Holmes: I've never begged for mercy in my life.
- Irene Adler: Twice.
- Dr. John Watson: We should call the police.
- Sherlock Holmes: Yes.
- [fires five gunshots into the air]
- Sherlock Holmes: On their way.
- Dr. John Watson: For God's sake!
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh, shut up. It's quick.
- Dr. John Watson: [notes Sherlock wrapped in a bed sheet] You wearing any pants?
- Sherlock Holmes: No.
- Dr. John Watson: Okay.
- [Holmes and Watson glance at each other and burst into laughter]
- Dr. John Watson: At Buckingham Palace. Right. Oh, oh, I am seriously fighting an impulse to steal an ashtray.
- [chuckles with Sherlock]
- Dr. John Watson: What are we doing here, Sherlock? No, seriously, what?
- Sherlock Holmes: I don't know.
- Dr. John Watson: Here to see the Queen?
- Sherlock Holmes: [Mycroft walks in] Oh, apparently yes.
- [John and Sherlock start laughing]
- Mycroft Holmes: Just once can you two behave like grown ups?
- Dr. John Watson: We solve crimes, I blog about it, and he forgets his pants. So I wouldn't hold out to too much hope.
- Sherlock Holmes: I see you've got a new boyfriend, Molly, and you're serious about him.
- Molly Hooper: What? Sorry, what?
- Sherlock Holmes: In fact, you're seeing him this very night and giving him a gift.
- Dr. John Watson: Take a day off.
- Lestrade: Shut up and have a drink.
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh, come on, surely you've all seen the present at top of the bag. Perfectly wrapped with a bow. All the others are slap-dash at best. It's for someone special, then. The shade of red echoes her lipstick, either an unconscious association or one that she's deliberately trying to encourage. Either way, Miss Hooper has love on her mind. The fact that she's serious about him is clear from the fact that she's giving him a gift at all. That always suggests long-term hopes, however forlorn, and that she's seeing him tonight is evident from her make-up and what she's wearing. Obviously trying to compensate for the size of her mouth and breasts...
- [voice trails off as he opens the tag: "Dearest Sherlock Love Molly xxx"]
- Molly Hooper: [brutally embarrassed] You always say such horrible things. Every time. Always. Always...
- Sherlock Holmes: [turns to leave but turns back] I am sorry. Forgive me.
- [John looks up, completely surprised at hearing an apology from Sherlock]
- Sherlock Holmes: Merry Christmas, Molly Hooper.
- [Sherlock kisses her cheek. Suddenly, Sherlock's text message tone goes off, which Irene Adler earlier changed to the sound of a woman gasping in ecstasy]
- Molly Hooper: Oh, No! That wasn't... I didn't...
- Sherlock Holmes: No, it was me.
- Lestrade: My God, really?
- Molly Hooper: What?
- Sherlock Holmes: My *phone*.
- Dr. John Watson: She'll have to sleep upstairs in our flat tonight, we need to look after her.
- Mrs. Hudson: No...
- Sherlock Holmes: No, no, no, she's fine.
- Dr. John Watson: No, she's not, look at her. She's got to take some time away from Baker Street. She can go and stay with her sister. Doctor's orders.
- Sherlock Holmes: Don't be absurd.
- Dr. John Watson: She's in shock, for God's sake, and all over some bloody stupid camera-phone. Where is it, anyway?
- Sherlock Holmes: Safest place I know.
- Mrs. Hudson: You left it in the pocket of your second-best dressing gown, you clot.
- [chuckles]
- Mrs. Hudson: I managed to sneak it out when they thought I was having a cry.
- Sherlock Holmes: Thank you. Shame on you, John Watson.
- Dr. John Watson: Shame on me?
- Sherlock Holmes: Mrs. Hudson leave Baker Street? England would fall.
- Mycroft Holmes: My brother has the brain of a scientist or a philosopher, yet he elects to be a detective. What might we deduce about his heart?
- Dr. John Watson: I don't know.
- Mycroft Holmes: Neither do I. But initially, he wanted to be a pirate.
- Sherlock Holmes: [reluctantly impressed] Oh, you're rather good.
- Irene Adler: [returning the compliment] You're not so bad.
- [intense gazing into eyes ensues]
- Dr. John Watson: [interrupting the pause] Hamish.
- [startled looks from Irene and Sherlock]
- Dr. John Watson: John Hamish Watson, just... if you were... looking for baby names.
- Sherlock Holmes: Do people actually read your blog?
- Dr. John Watson: Where do you think our clients come from?
- Sherlock Holmes: I have a website.
- Dr. John Watson: In which you enumerate two hundred and forty different types of tobacco ash. Nobody's reading your website.
- Dr. John Watson: You were dead on a slab. It was definitely you.
- Irene Adler: DNA tests are only as good as the records you keep.
- Dr. John Watson: Oh, and I bet you know the record-keeper.
- Irene Adler: I know what he likes. And I needed to disappear.
- Dr. John Watson: Then how come I can see you and I don't even want to?
- Irene Adler: Look, I made a mistake. I sent something to Sherlock for safekeeping and now I need it back, so I need your help.
- Dr. John Watson: No.
- Irene Adler: It's for his own safety.
- Dr. John Watson: So is this. Tell him you're alive.
- Irene Adler: I can't.
- Dr. John Watson: Fine, I'll tell him and I still won't help you.
- Irene Adler: What do I say?
- Dr. John Watson: [shouting] What do you normally say? You've texted him a lot!
- Irene Adler: Just the usual stuff.
- Dr. John Watson: There is no usual in this case.
- Irene Adler: [reading a set of text messages] "Good morning. I like your funny hat." "I'm sad tonight, let's have dinner." "Hmm, you look sexy on Crime Watch, let's have dinner." "I'm not hungry." "Let's have dinner."
- Dr. John Watson: You... flirted... with Sherlock Holmes?
- Irene Adler: *At* him. He never replies.
- Dr. John Watson: No, Sherlock always replies, to everything. He's Mr. Punchline. He will outlive God trying to have the last word.
- Irene Adler: Does that make me special?
- Dr. John Watson: I don't know, maybe.
- Irene Adler: [stark naked before them] D'you know the big problem with a disguise, Mr. Holmes? However hard you try, it's always a self-portrait.
- Sherlock Holmes: You think I'm a vicar with a bleeding face?
- Irene Adler: No, I think you're damaged, delusional and believe in a higher power. In your case, it's yourself. And somebody loves you. Oh, if I had to punch that face...
- Irene Adler: [looks over at John] ... I'd avoid your nose and teeth, too.
- Dr. John Watson: [laughs nervously] Could you put something on, please? Uh, anything at all. A napkin...
- Sherlock Holmes: Why? Are you feeling exposed?
- Irene Adler: I don't think John knows where to look.
- [Stands up and offers coat to Irene]
- Irene Adler: No, I think he knows exactly where. I'm not sure about you.
- Sherlock Holmes: If I were to look at naked women, I'd borrow John's laptop.
- Dr. John Watson: You do borrow my laptop.
- Sherlock Holmes: I confiscate it.
- Mycroft Holmes: This is a matter of national importance. Grow up!
- Sherlock Holmes: [dressed only in a bedsheet, on which Mycroft is standing] Get off my sheet!
- Mycroft Holmes: Or what?
- Sherlock Holmes: Or I'll just walk away.
- Mycroft Holmes: I'll let you.
- Dr. John Watson: Boys, please. Not here.
- Dr. John Watson: What's going on? Jeez, what the hell is happening?
- Sherlock Holmes: Mrs. Hudson's been attacked by an American; I'm restoring balance to the universe.
- Little Girl: They wouldn't let us see Granddad when he was dead. Is that 'cause he'd gone to heaven?
- Sherlock Holmes: People don't really go to heaven when they die. They're taken to a special room and burned.
- Dr. John Watson: Sherlock...
- Sherlock Holmes: [checking out John's blog] You got a photograph of me wearing that hat!
- Dr. John Watson: Yeah, people like the hat.
- Sherlock Holmes: No, they don't! What people?
- Sherlock Holmes: Do you see how this works? That camera phone is her "get out of jail free" card. You have to leave her alone. Treat her like royalty, Mycroft.
- Dr. John Watson: Though not the way *she* treats royalty.
- [Holmes is conferring with Watson from Baker Street, via webcam]
- Sherlock Holmes: Now, show me the car that backfired.
- Dr. John Watson: It's there.
- Sherlock Holmes: That's the one that made the noise, yes?
- Dr. John Watson: Yeah. If you're thinking gunshot, there wasn't one. He wasn't shot, he was killed by a single blow to the back of the head from a blunt instrument, which then magically disappeared, along with the killer. It's got to be an eight, at least.
- DI Carter: [interjecting] You've got two more minutes, they want to know more about the driver.
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh, forget him, he's an idiot. Why else would he think himself a suspect?
- DI Carter: *I* think he's a suspect.
- Sherlock Holmes: Pass me over.
- Dr. John Watson: All right, but there's a mute button and I *will* use it.
- Sherlock Holmes: Now, up a bit! I'm not talking from down here!
- Dr. John Watson: [to DI Carter] Okay, just take it, take it.
- [Carter takes the laptop]
- Sherlock Holmes: Having driven to an isolated location and successfully committed a crime without a single witness, why would he then call the police and consult a detective? Fair play?
- DI Carter: He's trying to be clever. It's over-confidence.
- Sherlock Holmes: [sighs] Did you see him? Morbidly obese, the undisguised halitosis of a single man living on his own. The right sleeve of an internet porn addict and the breathing pattern of an untreated heart condition, low self-esteem, tiny IQ, and a limited life expectancy and you think he's an audacious criminal mastermind?
- [looking over his shoulder at the Phil, the driver, sitting behind him]
- Sherlock Holmes: Don't worry, this is just stupid.
- Phil: What did you say? Heart what?
- Sherlock Holmes: [as John is typing] No, no, no, don't mention the unsolved ones.
- Dr. John Watson: People want to know you're human.
- Sherlock Holmes: Why?
- Dr. John Watson: Because they're interested.
- Sherlock Holmes: No, they're not... why are they?
- Dr. John Watson: Hm, look at that. One thousand, eight hundred and ninety-five.
- Sherlock Holmes: Sorry, what?
- Dr. John Watson: I reset that counter last night. This blog has had nearly 2,000 hits in the last eight hours. This is your living, Sherlock, not two hundred and forty different types of tobacco ash.
- Sherlock Holmes: [lights a blowtorch] Two hundred and forty-three.