Seth MacFarlane credited as playing...
Ted
- Principal: I was principal at Dorchester High.
- Ted: Aww, shit! Wait, isn't their mascot just a guy with a knife?
- Principal: Technically, Stabbers was a pirate, but yes. It was a little rough.
- Ted: I heard there was one girl there who was only 8 years older than her own granddaughter...
- Principal: I'm afraid that's true.
- Ted: Well, how'd *that* work?
- Principal: Oh, it involved the International Date Line.
- Ted: Johnny, how bad is school gonna suck?
- John Bennett: You're not gonna like it.
- Ted: How bad?
- John Bennett: You ever drink orange juice after brushing your teeth?
- Ted: Yeah?
- John Bennett: Well, it's like getting your nuts smashed together so hard they become just one nut.
- Ted: Holy shit. And that's every day?
- John Bennett: That's every single day.
- John Bennett: She's not gonna swear, man. I win.
- Ted: Aw, fuck!
- [slams down fist]
- John Bennett: Pay up.
- [Ted hands over the dough]
- John Bennett: Thank you.
- [counts bills]
- John Bennett: Wait, you're not wearing pants. Where'd you get this?
- Ted: [gruff] Don't you worry about where I'm keeping stuff.
- Ted: It's not for him, it's for me. Look, I get why you can't give a highschool kid pot. But talking teddy bears are all good, right? We all take drugs. The fucking Care Bears are all meth addicts, Paddington's on quaaludes, and Fozzy's a cokehead. You know... he was in the room when John Belushi died?