Brett Goldstein credited as playing...
Roy Kent
- Ted Lasso: Hey fellas, listen up here. Well, I remember back in the early days of my coaching career, feeling compelled to express my individuality. Since I was a straight fella in middle America working in sports, and I was scared of tattoo needles, the only real option for me to do so was through my facial hair. And obviously I couldn't grow a beard. Otherwise Coach and I here would look like a ZZ Top cover band.
- Roy Kent: Would've been called "Sharp Dressed Men."
- Ted Lasso: [aside] Ooh, that's nice.
- Roy Kent: [aside] God, I hate what you've fucking done to me.
- Ted Lasso: Luckily, around that time there was this quartet of stand-up comedians known as the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. And along with their observational humor, fun banter, and numerous catchphrases, they also possessed the four most common types of facial hair. Now Ron White, who was my favorite, he was clean-shaven. That's one way to go. But then you had Larry the Cable Guy, and he had himself a big old bushy goatee. And Bill Engvall, he also had a goatee actually. But it was, you know, smaller and more manicured. Not touching the sides here.
- Coach Beard: Also known as a Van Dyke.
- Ted Lasso: Thank you, coach. And then you had Jeff Foxworthy of course, who had a mustache. So, check it out. I went ahead and rolled the dice and grew myself one of them big, bushy Cable Guy goatees. And I thought I looked great. Until Coach Beard here took me aside, right as I was about to walk down the aisle, and told me something I needed to hear. Remember what you said to me?
- Coach Beard: Your goatee makes it look like you ate out bigfoot's butthole.
- Ted Lasso: That's right.
- Roy Kent: A.k.a. Ass-Squatch.
- Ted Lasso: [aside] You're on fire.
- Roy Kent: [aside, imploring] Make it stop.
- Ted Lasso: [aside] No, no.
- [to the team]
- Ted Lasso: Coach was right though. Not a good look. Not on this face. So I shaved that puppy down right into a Foxworthy, and I never looked back. Point is, a lot of times the right idea is just sitting behind a couple of the wrong ones.