Donald Glover credited as playing...
Troy Barnes
- Vice Dean Laybourne: Have you heard the expression Room Temperature?
- Troy Barnes: Of course.
- Vice Dean Laybourne: This is the room. This is the Room Temperature room.
- Pierce Hawthorne: [eulogizing his father] Father, I'll never forget what you said to me on my first day of school. "Comb your hair, you idiot, you look Greek." I'll never know if that was true, but I do know that I was too scared to stand up for myself. Well, I'm not scared of you anymore because you're dead, and I'm not. So, I win... and you can suck it.
- Troy Barnes: Dude just told his dead dad to suck it!
- Britta Perry: So edible!
- [sic, Oedipal, mumpsimus]
- Minister: You're the worst.
- Abed Nadir: Hey, where you been?
- Troy Barnes: I'm not allowed to say.
- Abed Nadir: Are you Superman?
- Troy Barnes: No.
- Abed Nadir: Would you tell me if you were?
- Troy Barnes: I'd tell everyone. I never understood why he cared who knew.
- Troy Barnes: Okay, I know I said I can't talk to you about what's going on, but I can talk to myself. Can you pretend to be me?
- Abed Nadir: [as Troy] I like football, but also I don't...
- Troy Barnes: Perfect.
- Abed Nadir: I don't really see the dilemma. Plumbing and air conditioning seem more or less identical.
- Troy Barnes: They're not--they couldn't be more or less identical.
- Abed Nadir: That was close, Constable Reggie. I thought those blorgons had us dead to rights.
- Troy Barnes: What on bitter earth do they want from us, inspector?
- Abed Nadir: The question's not what they want from us, constable. But when!
- Shirley Bennett: Oh, my... Even Bruce Vilanch?
- Jeff Winger: Especially Bruce Vilanch.
- Pierce Hawthorne: That is copyright infringement and defamation. I'm going to sue the pants off that lady.
- Annie Edison: I don't think that's a lady.
- Troy Barnes: And why do you want his pants off?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Shut up! I only wanted his pants off when I thought he was a lady.
- Jeff Winger: So you were attracted to him?
- Pierce Hawthorne: The only thing I'm attracted to is taking him to court and eating his ass alive.
- Shirley Bennett, Jeff Winger, Annie Edison, Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir, Britta Perry: Ooh!
- Pierce Hawthorne: That's not what I meant. Stop putting gay things in my mouth.
- [group laughs]
- Shirley Bennett, Jeff Winger, Annie Edison, Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir, Britta Perry: [group sings the Hawthorne wipes jingle] I got a pocket full of hawthornes, pocket full of hawthornes...
- Troy Barnes: I was put on this earth to do something else.
- Vice Dean Laybourne: [disdainfully] So you're going to be what... a plumber?
- Troy Barnes: No, I'm not gonna be a plumber either. Because they have to deal with poop. My decision for now is to watch TV with my friend.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Gay-oh!
- [chuckles]
- Pierce Hawthorne: He... hey, what's going on with you bitches? Bitches is gay talk for friends.
- Troy Barnes: Did you sue Urbana Champaign for his t-shirt?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Not at all, I bought this. I'm a fan. Also, I'm a gay rights advocate.
- Abed Nadir: I think I can explain. Pierce's positrons have been negatized, creating anti-Pierce. It happens all the time inspector spacetime.
- Troy Barnes: Yeah, but anti-inspector had a funny mustache and was kinda rapey.
- Annie Edison: I don't think his positrons have been negatized.
- Abed Nadir: That's exactly what Constable Reggie said.
- Pierce Hawthorne: No, I thought about it, and I decided a man should not be judged by what he does with a fellow man's butt.
- Jeff Winger: [quietly to Britta] Here's the kick.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Plus since that song came out, Hawthorne Wipes sales went up 7%.
- Jeff Winger: And it's good.
- [Britta smiles in amusement]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Yep, even had my own people mock up a design for a new product line. Hawthorne Pride Wipes. They may cost more, but they're gayer. And I'm gonna launch these little babies at a big party here at Greendale. Here's a flyer.
- Shirley Bennett: Ooh! Greendale's first annual... gay bash.
- Britta Perry: Wow, Pierce, congratulations on meeting the minimum requirements for open-mindedness.
- Annie Edison: Yeah, I'm really proud of you. You're growing as a person.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, good grief, he's not supporting gay people. They're supporting him. If Mexicans were buying his wipes, he would have ridden in on a donkey.
- Pierce Hawthorne: People earning respect with money is the American way, Jeff. Not that my father would have agreed. It took a federal injunction to get him to sell these things to the Italians.
- Jeff Winger: How old are you guys?
- Troy Barnes: The question isn't how old we are... But when old we are!
- Vice Dean Laybourne: You're making a huge mistake, son.
- Troy Barnes: That may be, sir. But at least it's my mistake.
- Vice Dean Laybourne: It doesn't change the fact that it's a mistake.
- Troy Barnes: Doesn't it?
- Vice Dean Laybourne: No, it doesn't.