Beth Behrs credited as playing...
Caroline Channing
- Max Black: Unbelievable!
- Caroline Channing: What?
- Max Black: Hey!
- [Throws menus down on table in front of them]
- Max Black: How you guys doing? Cute Strokes tee! Probably look better on me considering it's mine!
- Puerto Rican Girl: You snooze, you lose. Puta.
- Max Black: Nice language! You kiss your obviously closeted boyfriend with that mouth? You know what, I wouldn't even want it now. Now that it's been on you it might as well have been a Kenny G shirt.
- [Makes explosion noise while miming an explosion in her crotch]
- Max Black: And now I walk.
- Max Black: [Mocking Caroline in a deep voice] Those are not extensions bitch!
- Caroline Channing: Are you still laughing 'cause it wasn't funny.
- Max Black: It was so funny; It was like Looney Toons funny; It was like Bugs Bunny getting shot in the face funny. Only in your version Bugs Bunny tries to have a dialogue with the shotgun.
- Caroline Channing: Hi, I'll be right with you.
- [Purposely spills a bowl of Borscht on the Puerto Rican Girl]
- Puerto Rican Girl: [Yelling] Idiota! Esta camiseta me costo cuatro dolares!
- Caroline Channing: Lo siento. Toda es mi culpa. I'm still a little clumsy; it's my first week. I'll bring you some soda water, but seriously, your boyfriend will come out before that Borscht stain does.
- Max Black: That was awesome!
- [first lines]
- Caroline Channing: Max, a woman in my section want to know if we do anything gluten-free. What do I tell her?
- Max Black: Tell her she's not allergic to gluten. She's just masking an eating disorder.
- Caroline Channing: Umm didn't you see me crying?
- Max Black: Lots of people cry at Goodwill. You go to France you eat snails; you come here you cry.
- Caroline Channing: That's odd, you didn't even react. You need to react when people cry.
- Max Black: I did I rolled my eyes. Look, eventually you'll learn to do that on the inside.
- Caroline Channing: Hi, how are you? I just wanted to talk to you about that shirt at the Goodwill. See my friend really wanted it, and well your friend has it.
- Tough White Girl: [Gets off the guys lap she's sitting in and stands up inching closer to Caroline] What are you saying bitch?
- Caroline Channing: Ok I think we might have got off on the wrong foot.
- Tough White Girl: Do you wanna feel my foot bitch?
- Caroline Channing: Why didn't you show up? You told me you were going to be there.
- Max Black: I had a lot of crap to do.
- Caroline Channing: Well you gave me the impression you were going.
- Max Black: I gave you the impression? I don't do impressions. Well wait that's not true I do one, my mom, but to do that I need; a Christmas tree, a gallon of vodka, and a lit cigarette.
- Caroline Channing: Did you walk my horse today?
- Max Black: Yeah and every other morning.
- Caroline Channing: That's so sweet I wish I had known.
- Max Black: What was I gonna do post it on your Facebook wall? Hi, walked your horse again today totes gross. Besides who did you think was doing it?
- Johnny: [while holding two shots in his hands] These are from the gentleman with a sweet note.
- [to Caroline while placing one shot in front of her]
- Johnny: Nice ass.
- [to Max while placing the other shot in front of her]
- Johnny: Nice rack.
- Caroline Channing: [Max and Caroline take their shots]
- [Very high pitched]
- Caroline Channing: Whoooo!
- Max Black: If that's your tequila noise, god knows what your orgasm sounds like.