Corinne Sudberg: Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing
Bullets from Your Valentine
Hellsing Ultimate Abridged
Corinne Sudberg credited as playing...
Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: Hello, Alucard. How was your mission in Japan?
- Alucard: Eh, I'd say ninety-nine... point-nine percent done. 'Sup, bitch?
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: I need to talk to you about some important guests coming today.
- Alucard: Are they hookers?
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: No.
- Alucard: And like that, you've lost me.
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: They're our financial suppliers.
- Alucard: Oh, man, they have to hate us.
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: They do. That's why they cancelled our budget.
- Alucard: Ooh, that's bad. We need that, right? Walter, we need that, right?
- Walter: Yes, very important.
- Alucard: Thank you, Walter.
- Walter: Of course, sir.
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: Over the last couple of years, we've had some... expensive claims.
- Alucard: Like what?
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: First off: property damage.
- [cut to a massive explosion on a crowded street]
- Alucard: Good times.
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: Dozens of noise complaints.
- Alucard: [shouting over loud heavy metal music] Sorry, I can't hear you!
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: Killing at least a dozen innocent people.
- Alucard: Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it!
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: And... all of the sexual harassment.
- [beat]
- Alucard: I'm not apologizing.
- [Integra tries to convince Alucard to stay hidden while she meets with the budget committee]
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: Listen, I know this is asking a lot, but...
- Alucard: Buuuut...?
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: I want you to keep yourself locked in the basement until all of them are gone.
- Alucard: ...I get the distinct impression you're embarrassed of me.
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: [warningly] Alucard...
- Alucard: I'm gonna go with "no."
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: This is important, and I don't need you causing another scene.
- Alucard: I don't have to take this. I'm going for a walk.
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: No, you don't!
- Alucard: Oh, what are you going to do, grab that guy who can stop me? What was his name? Michael McDoesn'texist?
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: [sighing in defeat] What do you want?
- Alucard: [smugly] What?
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: What... do I need to give you... to keep you down here for the evening?
- Alucard: I'm going to need a new gun. Also one for the police girl.
- Seras: But I already have a gun.
- Alucard: [ignoring her] Get that bitch a cannon. Bitches love cannons.
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: Anything else?
- Alucard: A seventy-inch... plasma widescreen TV.
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: Really?
- Alucard: With Netflix.
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: [sarcastically] Should it also be 3D?
- Alucard: No, that's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it!
- [Integra calls the communications desk during the Valentines' assault on the mansion]
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: Communications, come in. We need a full report.
- [the comms agent is heard crying on the other end of the line]
- Jan Valentine: Read the fuckin' paper.
- Communications: "H-h-hey there... Integra..."
- Jan Valentine: Read it fuckin' RIGHT, cockhole!
- [slap]
- Communications: [higher-pitched] "Hey there, you fat English whore."
- Jan Valentine: That's more like it. Now keep goin'.
- Communications: "Me and my big brother Luke... are killing... all of your men... and turning them into ghouls. So I-I h-hope... you've made peace with yourself... 'cause when I find you, I'm gonna..." Oh, God...
- Jan Valentine: [cocking his gun] Keep reading, or I shoot the other testicle!
- Communications: [sobbing uncontrollably] "'Cause when I find you, I'm gonna fuck every hole you've goooot! And then I'm gonna just keep makin' more holes to fuck, until there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood... and semen!" Oh, God, this is horrible!
- Jan Valentine: You ain't finished yet!
- Communications: "So prepare your dried-up pussy... for my huge vampire coooock! Now pardon me while I blow this faggot ginger's brains out - " OHGODNO!
- [gunshot]
- Jan Valentine: [laughing hysterically] Oh, his fuckin' face, man! Ah, fuck! Oh, no, that shit is priceless!
- [the line goes dead; Integra stabs a button on the phone]
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: Alucard, get up here now! I'm locked in with the committee on the third floor, and...
- Alucard: [interrupting] Okay, see, I'm going to have to stop you riiiight there. You see, I'm under direct orders from my boss - who is a total bitch, by the way - ahem - that I am not to leave this room until such time as the committee has left the building. I was even bribed. Imagine that.
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: Alucard, you vampiric asshole, I will...
- Alucard: [interrupting] Sounds great, but I'm gonna have to go now. I just queued up an episode of Adventure Time on Netflix. Byyyeee!
- [the Adventure Time opening theme is briefly heard, then Alucard hangs up; an enraged Integra snaps her cigar in half and stabs another button on the phone]
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: WALTER!
- Luke Valentine: [boastfully] You can't touch me! I was handcrafted to kill you! My speed, my stamina, my power all rival - nay, DWARF yours! In comparison to you, I am a DEMIGOD!
- Alucard: [unimpressed] Really? Really?
- Luke Valentine: Really.
- Alucard: Really?
- Luke Valentine: Really!
- Alucard: REALLY?
- Luke Valentine: Really!
- Alucard: [morphing into his demonic form] Release restraint level one.
- Luke Valentine: Level what?
- [Alucard blows off one of Luke's legs with his gun]
- Luke Valentine: Agh! Agh! Fuck!
- Alucard: [in a deep, demonic voice] You know they say that TV makes you violent. But I'd say not having my TV is making me pretty fucking violent!
- [he shoots Luke's other leg off]
- Luke Valentine: Aaaagh! I'm near the stairs. Gotta get to the stairs. If I could just get up the stairs, I -
- [he looks up and sees that the stairs are far too long for him to escape]
- Luke Valentine: Awwwwwww, fuck.
- Alucard: Come on! You were talking all that good shit a second ago! Then I blew your fucking legs off!
- Luke Valentine: [terrified] But I... you... WHAT THE FUCK?
- Alucard: [taunting] What's wrong, demigod? Just grow back your legs! Summon up your demons! Hit me! FIGHT ME! Give me a hug!
- Luke Valentine: Really?
- [Alucard grins and lunges at him]
- Luke Valentine: Oh, God, no...!
- [cut to upstairs, where Integra and the committee are listening to Luke scream over the intercom as Alucard rips him apart]
- Alucard: Hey, we're here on Epic Meal Time! I'm the Sauce Boss! And tonight, we're eating this blonde little wannabe demigod BITCH!
- Old Asshole #1: Who... is that, exactly?
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: [calmly] Oh, that's Alucard, the one we talked about earlier. This is what happens when he has to entertain himself. Oh, so what was that issue about funding?
- Old Asshole #1: Issue?
- Old Asshole #2: What issue?
- Old Asshole #1: I don't see an issue.
- Old Asshole #3: Shut up and take our money!
- Alucard: Ah, and just like that, everything turned out all right in the end.
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: Yes, everything turned out just fine. Except that ninety percent of our staff were killed, turned into ghouls, then killed again by the police girl in a blood rage.
- Seras: What's a blood rage? And why don't I remember anything?
- Alucard: Oh, that reminds me for whatever reason, did we ever find out who sent them?
- [Integra doesn't answer]
- Alucard: It was the Nazis, wasn't it?
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: No.
- Alucard: Bet you I'm right.
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: Bet you you're wrong.
- Alucard: Bet you you're a skank!
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: Bet you you're an asshole!
- Alucard: BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: Al-right shit for brains! You're going to tell me everything you know, or I'm going to gave Walter peel your dick like a banana.
- Jan Valentine: I don't know what's fucking funnier. That you think your titless ass intimidates me or boss would let me live if ya did!
- [Bursts into blue flames]
- Jan Valentine: and now I'm on fucking fire! so it's free game! The one who sent me was
- [dramatically stretched out emphasis]
- Jan Valentine: Nazis!
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: [In denial] I heard George Lucas. Who else heard Georgetown Lucas?
- Walter: I heard Miami Heat
- Seras: I heard the Motley Crew with my vampire hearing.
- Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: [Suddenly remembers Jan wasn't the only commander] Wait...! Where's the big brother?