Johnny Galecki credited as playing...
Leonard Hofstadter
- Howard Wolowitz: [after scaring Sheldon and making him faint] Who had money on faints?
- Raj Koothrappali: I had peed his pants.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hang on. Looks like everyone's a winner.
- [Leonard is getting advice from Penny about whether he should sleep with a local woman while his girlfriend is living in India]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Here's the thing: I-I-I'm not one of those guys who sneaks around and sleeps with more than one woman.
- Penny: Good for you!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Problem is, I want to be one of those guys.
- Penny: So, sleep with the new girl and lie to Priya.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, that's not who I am.
- Penny: Alright, then break it off with the new girl.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, now let's not do anything rash. Sh-she's really hot...
- Penny: If you like this girl so much, why don't you just end things with Priya?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Priya and I are in love. I think we could get married some day.
- Penny: Leonard, you're looking for a way to sleep with both women, and have everybody be happy about it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: *Now* we're getting somewhere!
- Leonard Hofstadter: [after Alice writes down her number in his palm] Sorry, my palm is a little sweaty. What's that word?
- Alice: Alice.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, right! Your name. That makes more sense than "penis".
- Penny: Did you tell her about Priya?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, I was gonna, but I had too many tongues in my mouth.
- Priya: [after confessing he kissed another woman] Leonard, relax. It's ok.
- Leonard Hofstadter: It is?
- Priya: Yeah. These things happen. They happen to everybody.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh my God, you are amazing. I mean, I don't deserve you. Wh-what do you mean everybody?
- Priya: Leonard, I didn't know if I should tell you, but, I kind of cheated on you, too.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Kind of?
- Priya: A couple of weeks ago, I slept with my ex-boyfriend. So I guess we both messed up a little.
- Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, I messed up a little, you messed up a lot.
- Priya: Well, it's not a competition.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, yeah it is, and you won.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [after scaring Sheldon a second time] You might be from Texas, but I'm from New Jersey.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, we used to go out, right?
- Penny: [dryly] Oh, my God, that's where I know you from.
- Sheldon Cooper: The German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche believed that morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That actually does help.
- Sheldon Cooper: It's worth noting that he died of syphilis.
- Alice: Are you getting this "Next Men"?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, yeah, it's issue number 21, first appearance of Hellboy.
- Alice: I know. I've been looking for it for years.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry.
- Alice: Hey, if I pretended to hit on you, could it distract you enough to sneak it away?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, but you'd be using your superpowers for evil.
- Alice: Damn. I'm forbidden by my Kryptonian father to do so.
- Penny: Did you tell her about Priya?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I was gonna but there were too many tongues in my mouth.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, uh, here it is. Is it cheating if a guy has a girlfriend...
- Penny: Yeah, probably.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [breaking off from kissing] Dammit. I can't. I can't, I can't do this.
- Alice: Uh, is it my tongue stud? 'Cause if that freaks you out you're in for a real surprise later on.