Nick Offerman credited as playing...
Frank
- Frank: You're right, it's a classic kidnapping. They took our children and the canned goods and pasta.
- Frank: Yes, I experienced a childhood on the planet Earth. I've heard the story of the boy who cried wolf.
- Frank: My question for you, Gary, is: How do you want me to eat these with my normal human mouth? Do you want me to unhinge my jaw like an anaconda? Should I put this in my belly and lay out in the sun for two months, digesting it?
- Rookie Cop: Mr. Toy, are you familiar with the boy who cried wolf?
- Frank: Yes I have experienced a childhood on the planet earth, so... yes I've heard of that one.
- Frank: Do you think you can apply it to my situation in an allegorical fashion?
- Frank: [busts the bedroom door open] Tools, out of the driveway, now.
- Joe: [whispering] I'm on the phone.
- Frank: Oh, I don't give a shit. Right now.
- Kelly: [on the phone] Is everything okay there?
- [Frank grabs the phone]
- Joe: No!
- Frank: Who is this? Patrick?
- Kelly: Kelly.
- Frank: Kelly. A girl. Jesus, that's a pleasant surprise.
- Joe: Dad.
- Frank: Listen, Joe, can't talk right now because he's grounded. He will call you back sometime before his hot new bedtime of 7:30. You have a good night.
- Kelly: Okay.
- Frank: [Frank hangs up the cellphone] Tools Now, and if they're ruined, you're going to work the whole set off this summer, I mean it. A paper route. Big Chief Indian Corn. Goddamn Ohio Soccer Jazz. I don't care. You have your pick. This bullshit ends today.