Channing Tatum credited as playing...
Jenko
- [from trailer]
- Captain Dickson: We Jump Street, and we 'bout to jump in yo ass.
- Jenko: Mmmm-hmmm.
- Schmidt: Right in the crack.
- Captain Dickson: Fuck a 21 Jump Street & *FUCK* a Korean Jesus!
- Jenko: [pointing across the room to the statue of Jesus] Captain, Korean Jesus is right there!
- Captain Dickson: That's Vietnamese Jesus now. See this is a Vietnamese church, you racist sacrilegious sack of shit!
- [admiring Vietnamese Jesus]
- Captain Dickson: Yeah, Vietnamese Jesus is just drippin' swag-goo!
- Captain Dickson: Gentlemen, you're not gonna sit here
- [places pistol down on desk]
- Captain Dickson: & pretend there's not a big-ass elephant in the room.
- Jenko: [confused] What the fuck is going on?
- Captain Dickson: [turns picture frame on desk around, revealing a photo of Maya] *This* is what the fuck is going on!
- Jenko: [looks at the picture confused, looks at Schmidt, then back at the picture as he realizes] OH SHIT! Oh Shit!
- [laughs hysterically at Schmidt]
- Jenko: Oh shit! No! That is not happening right now!
- [exits office]
- Jenko: No!
- [to coworkers, exchanging high fives]
- Jenko: Hey ya'll he's fucking the captain's daughter! Yo! Oh my FUCK!
- Captain Dickson: [as Jenko is laughing outside office, to Schmidt] Every time, he says that shit? That's another foot in your ass!
- Jenko: [outside office] Schmidt! You clearly... yo, this is the best thing ever!
- [laughing]
- Jenko: Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!
- [sing-song]
- Jenko: Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter! Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!
- Jenko: [re-enters office] Shit! Fuck!
- [to Schmidt]
- Jenko: You fucked Captain Dickson's daughter? Captain? What the fuck, you bragged to him to his face! To his actual face, the captain, do you understand that *this face*
- [pointing to Captain Dickson's angry face]
- Jenko: right here! You bragged to that face!
- Jenko: [to Captain Dickson] You actually high-fived Schmidt for fucking your daughter? Holy Shit! Oh my God, this is...
- Captain Dickson: [picks pistol up and places it back on the desk, with the barrel facing Jenko]
- Jenko: [composing himself] It's really not that funny.
- [last lines before end credits sequence]
- Captain Dickson: Jenko, what are you doing, man?
- Jenko: Fuck you, Schmidt!
- Captain Dickson: Stop dicking around!
- Jenko: Hey, captain!
- Captain Dickson: Congratulations, you two. You managed to un-fuck a situation you originally already fucked up!
- Schmidt: Thanks!
- Captain Dickson: [talking to Schmidt] I wish I could have you un-fuck my daughter, but I'ma let that be the past.
- Captain Dickson: [talking to Schmidt and Jenko] Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches going to medical school!
- Jenko: What?
- Schmidt: I just wanna say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State...
- Captain Dickson: I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your motherfuckin' nuts off.
- Jenko: [to Schmidt] What if, Captain gets to punch you in the face, one time? Really, really, REALLY hard?
- Captain Dickson: Nah, I've got something WAY better than that.
- [cut to Captain Dickson shooting a stun gun at Schmidt's testicles]
- [during end credits sequence]
- Jenko: I'm really really glad you're back, Schmidt.
- Schmidt: What are you talking about? What contract dispute? I have been here the whole time.
- Captain Dickson: Hey, shut the fuck up! How about a flight academy?
- [during end credits sequence]
- Captain Dickson: This time, foreign exchange students!
- Schmidt: Awesome!
- Jenko: Yes!
- Captain Dickson: In Russia!
- Jenko: What?
- Schmidt: Mr. Walters, I should apologize for...
- Mr. Walters: ...for shooting my penis off? Don't sweat it, brother. I'm liberated. Totally. You know they gave me a vagina. It's awesome. You guys wanna see it?
- Jenko, Schmidt: No, no, no, no!
- Mr. Walters: Eric's seen it. Eric's been all up in that shit. Ain't that right, Eric?
- Eric Molson: You guys gotta get me the fuck out of here.
- Jenko: Lets do this Schmidt!
- Morton Schmidt: Yeah, just like we always do, Jenkins.
- Jenko: [whispering] Dude, it's Jenko!
- Morton Schmidt: Sorry.
- Captain Dickson: New assignment...
- Jenko: Captain, does Schmidt look any different to you?
- [the person sitting next to Jenko is Seth Rogen and not Jonah Hill]
- Captain Dickson: No, that's Schmidt. I don't know what you are talking about. Schmidt looks exactly the same to me, man.
- Morton Schmidt: I got new glasses.
- Captain Dickson: Yeah man, he just got some new glasses, man. God Damn!
- Morton Schmidt: [whispering to Jenko] No one is going to fucking notice.