Robin Atkin Downes: Medic

Meet the Medic

Medic

Heavy: [the Medic drops the new, and now ÜberCharged, baboon heart in the Heavy's open chest cavity, where it wriggles] Should I be awake for this?
Medic: Ah heh. Well, no, heh. But as long as you are, could you hold your rib cage open a bit?
[he tries to push the heart in]
Medic: I can't... seem...
[suddenly, the heart is shoved in with a crack]
Heavy: Ah!
[a rib has broken off]
Medic: Oh, don't be such a baby. Ribs grow back!
[to his pet dove, Archimedes]
Medic: No they don't.

Spy: [the RED Medic opens the refrigerator to get a new heart, and inside is a living, and bored, head of the BLU Spy] Kill me.
Medic: Later.
[he grabs a baboon heart and closes the door]

Heavy: [after receiving his new heart and being fully healed, the Heavy takes a deep breath] What happens now?
Medic: Now?
[Chuckles]
Medic: Let's go practice medicine...

Heavy: [on the operating table, the Heavy laughs as Medic finishes a joke] Oh-hoh-ho no more!
Medic: Wait, wait, wait, it gets better. When the patient woke up, his skeleton was missing, and the doctor was never heard from again!
[laughs again, then pauses]
Medic: Anyway, that's how I lost my medical license, heh.

Medic: [the Medic has Heavy's heart outside his body temporarily while operating, keeping him alive with a medi-gun. He prepares to augment the Heavy's heart with a mechanical device for accepting an ÜberCharge] Now, most hearts couldn't withstand this voltage, but I'm fairly certain your heart...
[the heart explodes]
Heavy: What was noise?
Medic: The sound of progress, my friend.

Heavy: [getting ready to attack an incoming wave of soldiers, the Medic's ÜberCharge is ready] Doctor! Are you sure this will work?
Medic: Ha ha ha, I have no idea!
[he flips on the ÜberCharge switch, making the Heavy invincible, and they advance forward with the Heavy's minigun mowing down soldiers]

[last lines]
Medic: [many RED team members wait in the medic's office lobby for their turn to get a heart that can accept ÜberCharges; in the operating room, the Medic finishes up work on the Scout] That looks good. Very nice there. Yes!
Scout: Hey, thanks doc!
[opens the door to the waiting room, his chest glowing. He is happy at first, but then feels the pain after a moment]
Scout: Awhawhaw, man! You would not BELIEVE... how much this hurts.
[muffled dove coos are heard, and the Scout's chest moves]
Medic: [still in the operating room] Archimedes?