- Principal Skinner: My rival.
- Superintendent Chalmers: Some rivalry. It's like Secretariat and a can of dog food.
- Homer Simpson: [as Jesus] Ye cannot judge me. Only my Father can judge me.
- Abraham Simpson: Crucify him!
- Homer Simpson: I'm taking you with me, old man!
- Bart Simpson: Hey, dad. Remember when you said that if Ned Flanders ever remarried you'd eat your hat?
- Homer Simpson: [Looking up at the crown of thorns he's wearing] Oh!
- [Takes a bite]
- Homer Simpson: Ooh, licorice!
- [Keeps eating]
- Homer Simpson: Mmm, historically inaccurate.
- Homer Simpson: Welcome to married life. Another good man bites the dust.
- Marge Simpson: Homer!
- Homer Simpson: What? I'm talking about that guy.
- [Points to man on the next bed, who is flatlining and being carted out]
- Homer Simpson: I sure envy him.
- Ned Flanders: [Ned dreams of Rod's graduation] Wait a minute. Left-wing teachers? Minimalist classrooms? Abstract art? This isn't a midwestern Bible college. This is an elite Ivy League college!
- Rod Flanders: Don't worry, dad. I took a major in religious studies.
- Ned Flanders: Phew.
- Rod Flanders: Comparative religious studies.
- Ned Flanders: Aaaah!
- Sea Captain: I'm married to the sea, plus I have a thing on the side with two of the Great Lakes. I won't say which, but it's Erie how Superior they are.
- Bart Simpson: Yo Homer, Mom says "get you fat ass over to Flanders'"!
- Homer Simpson: Bart! Don't call me that!
- Bart Simpson: Which one? Homer or Fatass?
- Homer Simpson: Why you little!
- [Strangles Bart]
- Homer Simpson: They're both bad and I suspect you know it!
- Bart Simpson: Get your hands off of me, you fat ass!
- Homer Simpson: What he says is true because it's in all caps. Are you gonna argue with caps?
- Marge Simpson: Why does that make it right?
- Homer Simpson: He took the time to press the shift key, Marge. I think he knows what he's talking about.