Ed O'Neill credited as playing...
Jay Pritchett
- Jay Pritchett: [Answers his phone in the middle of the night] This better be good.
- Claire Dunphy: Haley got arrested for drinking. We gotta go bail her out. Do you still have a connection to that judge upstate?
- Jay Pritchett: He died.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay! Who died?
- Jay Pritchett: An old friend of mine.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, Jay, I'm so sorry.
- Jay Pritchett: He died five years ago.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Then why are they calling us in the middle of the night to wake us up?
- Jay Pritchett: Nobody died. Haley's in jail.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Okay. That makes more sense.
- Jay Pritchett: Claire has to go bail her out.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Takes the phone] Okay. Give me that. Claire, listen to me. Take a lot of cash. And when you flash it to the police, do no speak about it. Let the eyes do all the talking, okay?
- Manny Delgado: [Comes in] I heard the phone. Who died?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Jay's friend.
- Manny Delgado: Oh, Jay, I'm so sorry.
- Claire Dunphy: Okay, I can't do this again.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Making a child is the easy part. The hard part is *everything* that comes after. Keeping them safe...
- Cameron Tucker: Well, you can tell your mother that my scones are appropriately crunchy on the outside while delightfully dense on the ins-
- [Kids all scream as he swerves the car]
- Cameron Tucker: Saw that. Saw it.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Making sacrifices for them...
- Jay Pritchett: Hey, kid. I'll take you to that poetry reading thing tonight.
- Manny Delgado: Actually, DeDe and I were just talking. She's a huge fan of spoken word...
- DeDe Pritchett: ...and I would love to escort him.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Please.
- Jay Pritchett: Go.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: And standing by them, even when they let you down.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Jay, do you have some time today? We need to go and pick out a stroller.
- Jay Pritchett: Just get whatever you want. I mean, it's what you're gonna do anyway.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: What I want is a husband who likes to go shopping for a stroller with me.
- Jay Pritchett: If you had a husband who liked picking out strollers, you wouldn't be having a baby.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, Jay, it's so weird. The moment I came through the door, the baby started kicking like crazy, like it's trying to claw its way out of me.
- [Sees DeDe]
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Bruja!
- DeDe Pritchett: Oh, my God.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: What is she doing here?
- DeDe Pritchett: You're going to have a baby? I don't believe it.
- Jay Pritchett: [Gets between DeDe and Gloria] Uh, DeDe, don't get all crazy about this.
- [DeDe bursts out laughing]
- Jay Pritchett: What's happening?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Her brain. It snapped.
- DeDe Pritchett: Oh! You're going to be a father again, at your age. And here you were thinking you would just sail off into the sunset with your beautiful young wife, not a care in the world. This is fantastic! I think my uterus just fixed itself!
- Jay Pritchett: [to Gloria] Don't ask.
- DeDe Pritchett: I don't remember him changing a single diaper.
- Jay Pritchett: What's that supposed to mean? You can't even remember killing your cat.
- DeDe Pritchett: Oh, I don't think I did. But I'm sure that you never changed any diapers.
- Jay Pritchett: It's just that you were better at it than I was.
- DeDe Pritchett: Oh, so I guess I was better at late-night feedings and cleaning spit-up, too.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You know what? He wouldn't help me pick up a stroller or a blanket or a bouncy chair.
- DeDe Pritchett: Oh, well, I had to get that stuff on my own. He was just useless.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You poor thing. Makes all sense now why you became so crazy.
- DeDe Pritchett: Right?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Listen to me, Jay Pritchett. If you don't change your useless ways, you're gonna make me crazy, too! Like DeDe!
- Jay Pritchett: Gloria. Gloria!
- [Sarcastically to DeDe]
- Jay Pritchett: I just love our little visits.
- Jay Pritchett: [In side interview] Turns out Gloria being pregnant somehow made DeDe think of her as less trophy, more human. And all the animosity she had for Gloria just wafted up in the air...
- DeDe Pritchett: I hope you're hiring a nanny, because this one won't lift a finger.
- Jay Pritchett: [Back in interview] ... and landed right on top of me.
- Jay Pritchett: [Walks into the kitchen as Gloria slams cabinet doors] What are you looking for?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Nothing! I am making a lot of noise because I'm angry!
- Jay Pritchett: Gloria, I'm gonna help you with the baby.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I am not young like with Manny. I am tired already, and it's gonna get harder from here! I can't do this on my own, and *you* did this to me, so you're going to be here this time!
- Jay Pritchett: Back then, we were living paycheck to paycheck. The reason I wasn't around is I was working all the time. Believe me, DeDe wasn't the only one having sleepless nights. But now it's different. Now I can help you with everything.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Really?
- [Hugs Jay]
- Jay Pritchett: Let's start right now.
- [Points to a stroller in a magazine]
- Jay Pritchett: I like that one.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Which one?
- Jay Pritchett: That silver stroller.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No, we're going to get the green one.
- Jay Pritchett: Great. What's next? How about I pick out the wrong crib?
- Manny Delgado: So, who wants to come with me to the spoken word festival this evening? I only have two tickets, so somebody's gonna be disappointed.
- Jay Pritchett: I think it's gonna be you.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, Manny, I would go with you, but I'm so tired.
- Jay Pritchett: You just woke up. How are you tired?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Maybe because I'm turning food into a human! Jay will take you.
- Jay Pritchett: Sorry, I would love to go to the spoken word festival, but I'm already going to the I'd-rather-blow-my-brains-out jamboree.
- Manny Delgado: I can't believe this. I'm living in a cultural wasteland.
- Jay Pritchett: With a heated pool.
- Jay Pritchett: I was dreading DeDe finding out that Gloria's pregnant. It's the one thing DeDe's hung on to, that she's the mother of my kids. And considering their history...
- [Flash back to multiple encounters which often end with DeDe's hands around Gloria's neck]
- Jay Pritchett: ... I wasn't exactly look forward to round four. Especially now that Gloria's a bigger, slower target.
- DeDe Pritchett: Good morning, Jay. Namaste.
- Jay Pritchett: Let's not do this.
- DeDe Pritchett: Oh, fine, silly. I'm on my way to a retreat in Ojai, and since I'm passing through town, I thought I'd pick up that photo album.
- Jay Pritchett: You know, it's really not a good time.
- DeDe Pritchett: [Pleading] Oh, please!
- Jay Pritchett: All right. I'll meet you on the street. Drive by slow with the window open.
- Claire Dunphy: Hi, Dad.
- Jay Pritchett: Hey, Claire. Any updates?
- Claire Dunphy: Not yet, but we're almost there.
- Jay Pritchett: Last time you were over at the house, you were looking at that photo album. What'd you do with it?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, Dad, that was me. I think I put it on the shelf behind the bar.
- Jay Pritchett: What are you doing there?
- Mitchell Pritchett: [singsongy] They asked me to come along in case they needed a lawyer.
- Jay Pritchett: Shouldn't they have a *real* lawyer?
- Phil Dunphy: Oh, God. Should we?
- Mitchell Pritchett: I *am* a real lawyer, people. Environmental law is a thing.
- Jay Pritchett: Don't get all sensitive on me. I mean someone who doesn't defend pandas.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah, Dad, 'cause that's what I do. I-I defend pandas in court.
- Phil Dunphy: That's adorable.
- Jay Pritchett: You know what I'm talking about. Haley needs someone who knows criminal law, like Perry Mason.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, so *I'm* not a real lawyer, but Perry Mason is?
- Jay Pritchett: Hello, DeDe. How you doing?
- DeDe Pritchett: Oh, mostly fine. I have something called a telescoping uterus. Long story.
- Jay Pritchett: Aw, jeez.
- Jay Pritchett: This is beautiful. Look at you two, having a conversation like old friends.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Well, it's easier to talk to her when she's not choking me.
- DeDe Pritchett: I'm sorry. I went through a bad patch there when I was trying to find the right balance with my meds. I recently discovered my cat Frances buried in the backyard. I'm just praying that she died first.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Maybe you can dogsit for the shoe-eater one day.
- [Points at Stella while Jay covers her ears]
- DeDe Pritchett: Oh, well, she is a... funny-looking thing.
- Jay Pritchett: [to Stella] Don't listen to them. You're beautiful.