Julie Bowen: Claire Dunphy

Mistery Date

Claire Dunphy

Claire Dunphy: [to the competition judges] She clearly misheard the question. The acoustics in here are terrible. Especially for a little girl just getting over an ear infection.
Alex Dunphy: Oh, my God, what are you doing?
Claire Dunphy: I was explaining your...
Alex Dunphy: Oh, I heard, because my ears are fine. I'm sorry. I didn't ask her to do this.
Claire Dunphy: Honey, I'm trying to help you.
Alex Dunphy: No, you are not. You are trying to help *you*. You're just mad because now you can't parade me around like some show pony.
Claire Dunphy: That is not true.
Alex Dunphy: Oh, don't deny it. You bought the two-day cushion.
Claire Dunphy: [as the judges stare at her] Who are you to judge?

Claire Dunphy: What are you doing back here?
Alex Dunphy: I didn't have the room key, and I don't wanna be seen in public.
Claire Dunphy: I thought about what you said before...
Moderator: When did China's last emperor ascend the throne?
Alex Dunphy: 1909.
Claire Dunphy: And you can say a lot of things about me, but I am not someone who lives through her kids.
Moderator: [buzzer] Sorry. It's 1909.
Claire Dunphy: Do I like to see you succeed? Of course I do!
Moderator: Tritium is an isotope of what element?
Alex Dunphy: Hydrogen.
Claire Dunphy: But do I need that to make myself feel important? Absolutely not.
Moderator: [buzzer] No, the answer is hydrogen.
Claire Dunphy: As a matter of fact, I'm a little hurt you would think I was so shallow.
Moderator: The Persian satrapy of Skudra included which two areas?
Alex Dunphy: Macedonia and Thrace.
Claire Dunphy: I know moms like that, and that is not me. No way.
Moderator: [buzzer] Macedonia and Thrace.
Claire Dunphy: Are you freaking kidding me? Macedonia and Thrace? What even *is* that? You're hardly even listening! How could we lose this?
[Realizes]
Claire Dunphy: I said 'we.'
Alex Dunphy: Yeah. You do that sometimes.

Claire Dunphy: I'm so sorry. I am one of those moms. I like it too much when you win. I really love lording it over the other moms.
Alex Dunphy: Well, in our house, I'm kind of your only source for that.
Claire Dunphy: You're telling me. Haley e-mails me pictures of her nails. And Luke asked me if he's part owl.
Alex Dunphy: He does get his head pretty far around.
Claire Dunphy: Alex, I'm so sorry.
Alex Dunphy: It's okay. Maybe you do put pressure on me, but it's nothing compared to what I put on myself. I guess I needed somebody to blame for what happened today, and there you were.
Claire Dunphy: You know I'm in awe of you, right? Come on. I know a back way out of this place.
Alex Dunphy: [standing, Claire picks up her cushion] Wait. Don't you have to return that?
Claire Dunphy: No way. I paid good money for this. We're taking it down the waterslide.

Cushion Stealer: Oh, that's a good idea.
Claire Dunphy: [Lowered voice] Oh, yeah. The chairs are rocks. You can get a one-day cushion for $8, or a two-day for $12.
Moderator: Alex Dunphy.
Claire Dunphy: Last year, I got two 1-dayers-big mistake.
Moderator: Who wrote the 95 Theses?
Claire Dunphy: My daughter went on to win the whole thing, and all I could think was, 'I just flushed $4 down the toilet.'
Alex Dunphy: John Calvin.
Claire Dunphy: [Negative buzzer] Whoo! Alex! I guess I just didn't want to presume that we would be here for the two days. But still, what kind of message was I sending with the 1-dayer?
Alex Dunphy: You 'whoo'-ed me?
Claire Dunphy: What are you doing here?
Alex Dunphy: I'm out. I got the question wrong, which is embarrassing enough without you 'whoo'-ing me.
Claire Dunphy: Alex! Alex, come back here!
[as she runs after Alex, the woman moves to take the seat cushion]
Claire Dunphy: Don't!

Claire Dunphy: Phil, you have two whole days to yourself. Please tell me you're not gonna spend them trying to wire the house to your iPad.
Phil Dunphy: Nope, 'cause I've already done it. I think when you get home, you're gonna be very surprised to see that this house has an actual functioning brain in it.
Claire Dunphy: [the kids snicker] Great. Great. Now go out and see some friends.
Phil Dunphy: I'm headed out now. I have a third showing at that Colonial. Cam gave me a free pass to his gym. I am-
[Turns on the lights]
Phil Dunphy: -not too bright!
Claire Dunphy: Mm.
Phil Dunphy: I am-
[Turns lights down]
Phil Dunphy: -dim!
Claire Dunphy: [Manny laughs] Honey, if you could hear yourself. Promise me you'll go outside and play.
Phil Dunphy: Miss you too.
[Hangs up the phone and turns on the fireplace with his iPad]
Phil Dunphy: Phil Dunphy, this is the year 2025. Welcome. You're the first one here.

Claire Dunphy: Alex wins things, which is great. But she puts so much pressure on herself. I... I almost wish she would lose this year. Plus, that way, I could go on the waterslide. It's got a corkscrew, two-second freefall, and a radar gun at the bottom.
[laughs, then realizes]
Claire Dunphy: I'm Phil.

Claire Dunphy: Honey, we have an hour until the competition. Do you want to go to the contestants' mixer?
Alex Dunphy: No, I don't want to humanize them.