- Cameron Tucker: If it were up to you, we'd get them something off their gift registry.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, you mean the list of things that they specifically said that they wanted?
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, they don't know what they want.
- Manny Delgado: Luke, I need you for this. You're sneakier than I am. You're a bigger liar. You have no moral compass.
- Luke Dunphy: Look, thanks for all the compliments, but breaking into one stupid party? That's not even a challenge.
- Manny Delgado: Oh, no. Three bar mitzvahs?
- Luke Dunphy: Now it's interesting.
- Luke Dunphy: So you missed one dance.
- Manny Delgado: It wasn't just a dance, it's the start of the whole dance season.
- Luke Dunphy: It's like you never hear boys talk.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Something was clearly going on with my dad, but I-I wasn't about to get sucked in. It's happened before. "Dad you seem sad. Do you wanna talk?"
- [in a gruff impression of Jay]
- Mitchell Pritchett: "Talk? What are we, girlfriends?" To use a sports reference, put the football away, Lucy. I ain't kickin'.
- Manny Delgado: She's not here. We have the wrong bar mitzvah.
- Luke Dunphy: Not if you like prime rib, bubbie.
- [seeing his look]
- Luke Dunphy: You said to blend. I picked up some expressions at the latke station. P.S., they're hash browns.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Doctor? Sweater vest? My dad acting all shifty? He was seeing a shrink. "Dad, I can see that you're going through something."
- [imitating Jay]
- Mitchell Pritchett: "And I can see your bra strap, Oprah. Mind your own business." Tee up the football all you want, Lucy. Still ain't kickin'.
- Manny Delgado: Oh, my god. Did you see that? She smiled at me.
- Luke Dunphy: People get that way in dance season.
- Manny Delgado: No girl's ever smiled at me like that. Luke, we have to go to that bar mitzvah.
- Luke Dunphy: Why?
- Manny Delgado: There was a connection. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like my whole life has led to this moment.
- Luke Dunphy: You made a very similar speech to get my mom to stop for those churros.
- Claire Dunphy: Nothing from the minibar, and no pay-per-view.
- Manny Delgado: Can we at least...
- Claire Dunphy: No, you may not send things out for pressing.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Jay was supposed to cancel. We cannot go to lunch.
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, no.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I am sorry, but he's supposed to pick up the crib at the store, and I am too tired. The baby kicked me all night. It's either going to be a football player or a chorus girl.
- Cameron Tucker: You can be both. My senior year, I was a right-side linebacker and a left-side cancan dancer in "Gigi."
- Mitchell Pritchett: Wow, she really set you up for that one, didn't she?
- Cameron Tucker: Yeah, when it came out of her mouth, I nearly stopped breathing.
- Dave: Listen, uh, I-I don't want this to sound weird, but, um... but you and I, tonight... is this, uh...
- Phil Dunphy: [dimming the lights and turning on the fireplace and R&B music with his iPad] Sorry, Dave, what was that?
- Dave: Nothing.
- Jay Pritchett: What the hell is that?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, that's the store mascot. That's Hug-A-Bunny. He goes around and he hugs...
- Jay Pritchett: No, I get it. Nice for flu season. He ought to be called Conjunctivitis Bunny.
- Claire Dunphy: [talking to the competition judges] She clearly misheard the question. The acoustics in here are terrible. Especially for a little girl just getting over an ear infection.
- Alex Dunphy: Oh, my god, what are you doing?
- Claire Dunphy: I was explaining your...
- Alex Dunphy: Oh, I heard, because my ears are fine. I'm sorry. I didn't ask her to do this.
- Claire Dunphy: Honey, I'm trying to help you.
- Alex Dunphy: No, you are not. You are trying to help you. You're just mad because now you can't parade me around like some show pony.
- Claire Dunphy: That is not true.
- Alex Dunphy: Oh, don't deny it. You bought the two-day cushion.
- Claire Dunphy: [to the judges as she leaves] Who are you to judge?
- Claire Dunphy: What are you doing back here?
- Alex Dunphy: I didn't have the room key, and I don't wanna be seen in public.
- Claire Dunphy: I thought about what you said before...
- Moderator: When did China's last emperor ascend the throne?
- Alex Dunphy: 1909.
- Claire Dunphy: And you can say a lot of things about me, but I am not someone who lives through her kids.
- Moderator: [buzzer] Sorry. It's 1909.
- Claire Dunphy: Do I like to see you succeed? Of course I do!
- Moderator: Tritium is an isotope of what element?
- Alex Dunphy: Hydrogen.
- Claire Dunphy: But do I need that to make myself feel important? Absolutely not.
- Moderator: [buzzer] No, the answer is hydrogen.
- Claire Dunphy: As a matter of fact, I'm a little hurt you would think I was so shallow.
- Moderator: The Persian satrapy of Skudra included which two areas?
- Alex Dunphy: Macedonia and Thrace.
- Claire Dunphy: I know moms like that, and that is not me. No way.
- Moderator: [buzzer] Macedonia and Thrace.
- Claire Dunphy: Are you freaking kidding me? Macedonia and Thrace? What even is that? You're hardly even listening! How could we lose this?
- [realizing]
- Claire Dunphy: I said "we."
- Alex Dunphy: Yeah. You do that sometimes.
- Dave: You were totally right about this gym. I just met the cutest guy.
- Cameron Tucker: What did I tell you? That place is like a gay bar with dumbbells. Redundant.
- Dave: Well, I don't know much about him, but he invited me over to his place to watch a football game tonight.
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, my gosh, a date. I have a good feeling about this.
- Dave: Oh, well, don't start planning the wedding yet. I mean, I'm not even sure if it's a "date" date.
- Cameron Tucker: You met him at hook-up central. Of course it's a "date" date.
- Dave: Am I even ready for a "date" date?
- Cameron Tucker: Tough love time, David; Simon left you six months ago, and you're bumming everyone out. It's time to get back up on that horse.
- Phil Dunphy: Hope to see you tonight, Dave.
- [he barks like a bulldog]
- Cameron Tucker: I can't remember the last time a man made that sound for me.
- Dave: Is that your family? Are you married?
- Phil Dunphy: Yeah, but don't worry. We have the house to ourselves. They're all out of town. I am long overdue for a boys' night.
- Dave: Oh, so your wife is okay with...
- Phil Dunphy: Oh, yeah. She suggested it. She knows I need this every so often. Long as I clean up afterwards, she's fine.
- Cameron Tucker: Soothing, right? You see, as the music relaxes the baby, you relax.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No, you're making the baby jump on my bladder. How can it relax listening to a song about a hooker?
- Cameron Tucker: She's not a hooker, she's a private dancer. A dancer for money. She'll do what you want her to...
- [hearing it out loud]
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, my gosh, I taught Lily this song.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Look, dad, I... I had to give up my home office for Lily's bedroom, and I was upset about it, too. Wasn't hugging bunnies, but...
- Jay Pritchett: All right.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I... I realize that it wasn't about an office or a room. It was about how Lily was gonna change everything. But once we got her in there, I don't know. I-I just... I never looked back.
- Jay Pritchett: Yeah, I guess I'm just nervous about everything, you know.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah.
- Jay Pritchett: Thanks, kid. You know, I'm just recalling me grumbling about giving up my MG Roadster when you and Claire came along. Great car. No backseat.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Isn't it funny? The stupid things that we think...
- Jay Pritchett: She was my baby.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [quietly to himself] ... are so important.
- Claire Dunphy: I'm so sorry. I am one of those moms. I like it too much when you win. I really love lording it over the other moms.
- Alex Dunphy: Well, in our house, I'm kind of your only source for that.
- Claire Dunphy: You're telling me. Haley e-mails me pictures of her nails. And Luke asked me if he's part owl.
- Alex Dunphy: He does get his head pretty far around.
- Claire Dunphy: Alex, I'm so sorry.
- Alex Dunphy: It's okay. Maybe you do put pressure on me, but it's nothing compared to what I put on myself. I guess I needed somebody to blame for what happened today, and there you were.
- Claire Dunphy: You know I'm in awe of you, right? Come on. I know a back way out of this place.
- Alex Dunphy: [standing, Claire picks up her cushion] Wait. Don't you have to return that?
- Claire Dunphy: No way. I paid good money for this. We're taking it down the waterslide.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Dad, you're obviously going through something. Look, y-you do not have to go through this alone. I'm here to talk if you want.
- Jay Pritchett: That's really nice of you, Mitchell, but do you wanna do it here? 'Cause I saw a Little Princess table with a tea set on it. You and I could have a real gabfest.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [in testimonial interviews] Argh! I'm such a blockhead.
- Jay Pritchett: Can't we just get this into the car?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Why? So you're not late for your shrink session?
- Jay Pritchett: What?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah, I picked up on that. Bunny hugger! Saw that, too. Mobile spinner.
- [bumping into Hug-A-Bunny as he leaves]
- Mitchell Pritchett: I swear to God...
- Jay Pritchett: Okay, Mitch...
- Mitchell Pritchett: Too late. Not interested.
- Jay Pritchett: [locking the car doors] Now, listen.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, you know what? I'm just gonna go out the back.
- Jay Pritchett: Doors, sunroof, all on lockdown. Okay, look, that guy you met today, he is a shrink. But I don't see him all the time. Your mom and I saw him a little before the divorce. But every now and then, something comes up for me, and I go in for a tune-up.
- Mitchell Pritchett: If you're waiting for me to ask what's going on with you, you just better keep waiting, 'cause I learned my lesson.
- Jay Pritchett: I'm down about something; something I knew was coming, and now it's finally happening. We're turning my office into the nursery today.
- Mitchell Pritchett: You've been moping around like you lost your platoon over a room?
- Jay Pritchett: Not just a room. It's the only place in this house where I can still close the door and read a book or have a drink. Everything in there was mine. Ah, who cares? Everybody's got their problems.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [as Jay unlocks the doors, he locks them again] No.
- Jay Pritchett: See, I can still open my door. You just locked yourself back in.
- Phil Dunphy: There's my man.
- Dave: That's me. Your man. I brought spinach dip. I don't know why.
- Phil Dunphy: I'll tell you why. 'Cause it's delicious and you're an awesome guest. Get in here.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Somebody has to tell you this. No. You try to control everything. You take over people's lives! It's always too much with you!
- Cameron Tucker: You know, maybe we should talk about this out in the hallway.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Oh, why, because there's gonna be better lighting over there? You're doing it again, Cam. You're doing it again!
- [turning and seeing a mural painted on the nursery wall]
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ahh!
- Cameron Tucker: You're right. I am too much. I do control. I do barge. I'll have my friend Abelard come back and paint over it.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: So this is why you kept me outside all day? So that your friend Aburar could come and paint a present?
- Cameron Tucker: Yeah, rather than getting you a gift off your registry like a normal person. I'm so stupid.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I love it!
- Cameron Tucker: You do?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It's just like you; full of color... and life... and love.
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, I really did think you'd love it.
- Jay Pritchett: What's going on up here?
- [seeing the mural]
- Jay Pritchett: What the...
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, that was not my idea. I told Cam, I told him that's a lot to put on someone's wall.
- Jay Pritchett: Hold on. I like it.
- Cameron Tucker: Really? Oh...
- Jay Pritchett: Thanks, Cam.
- Mitchell Pritchett: You actually...
- Jay Pritchett: Makes it easier to give up the room.
- Clerk: [bringing the crib Jay bought out] Here you go. For a small fee, we can come to your house and assemble it for you.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah, my dad's more of a do-it-yourselfer, plus he's not one for strangers in his personal space.
- Clerk: [behind them, Jay tries to keep Hug-A-Bunny from hugging him] All right. Uh, well, can I help you carry it to your car?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah, he's not gonna go for that, either. The guy won't even use the wheels on his suitcase. Likes everyone to think he's this big, tough guy who...
- [seeing Bunny hugging Jay]
- Mitchell Pritchett: ...okay. Wow.
- Jay Pritchett: Yo! There he is. All right. Let's get this done.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Hey, dad, you know...
- Jay Pritchett: No, we don't need any help, Mitchell. Just pick up your end.
- Dave: He's married. To a woman. Yeah, she's out of town. I don't know. They must have some sort of arrangement or something.
- Cameron Tucker: So what? If they know about it, who cares? You're not ready for a relationship anyway. Just have some fun.
- Dave: It feels weird. He has other people coming over. I think I'm gonna bail on this.
- Cameron Tucker: He's just feeling you out like you're feeling him out. Now, I promise you, these other guests will mysteriously cancel. Hold on just a second, sweetie.
- [switching lines]
- Cameron Tucker: Hello?
- Phil Dunphy: Hey, you guys still coming?
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, I forgot to call you. We have to cancel.
- Phil Dunphy: No problem. Bye.
- [hanging up]
- Phil Dunphy: Hey. More margaritas for us. The other guys just canceled.
- Cameron Tucker: Are you still there?
- Dave: You were right. The other guys just canceled.
- Cameron Tucker: See? Now listen to me. You're gonna have two margaritas. Maybe start a third. Laugh at his jokes. But not in that high falsetto thing. Something more manly. Let's practice.
- Dave: Hey, I'm not gonna laugh for you. You can be very controlling, you know that?
- Cameron Tucker: [stopping Gloria as she sits up to leave] Why does everybody say I'm controlling?
- Phil Dunphy: I've forgotten how much fun this can be. We should make this a regular thing.
- Dave: Phil, Phil, wait. Uh, I think I'd better just head home.
- Phil Dunphy: What?
- Dave: I'm just coming out of a long-term relationship, and I guess I'm still pretty fragile. It's not that haven't had a-a great time.
- Phil Dunphy: Not at all. Hey, I get it. I've spent a few nights in heartbreak hotel. If there's anything I can do...
- Dave: You've already done more than you know.
- Phil Dunphy: [a little stunned when Dave kisses him] Huh.
- [heading upstairs, realization dawns on him]
- Phil Dunphy: Oh...
- Cushion Stealer: Oh, that's a good idea.
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, yeah. The chairs are rocks. You can get a one-day cushion for $8, or a two-day for $12.
- Moderator: Alex Dunphy.
- Claire Dunphy: Last year, I got two 1-dayers; big mistake.
- Moderator: Who wrote the 95 thesis?
- Claire Dunphy: My daughter went on to win the whole thing, and all I could think was, "I just flushed $4 down the toilet."
- Alex Dunphy: John Calvin.
- Claire Dunphy: [buzzer] Whoo! Alex! I guess I just didn't want to presume that we would be here for the two days. But still, what kind of message was I sending with the 1-dayer?
- Alex Dunphy: You "whoo"-ed me?
- Claire Dunphy: What are you doing here?
- Alex Dunphy: I'm out. I got the question wrong, which is embarrassing enough without you "whoo"-ing me.
- Claire Dunphy: Alex! Alex, come back here.
- [as she leaves, the woman she was talking to moves to take her seat cushion]
- Claire Dunphy: [coming back for it] Don't!
- Claire Dunphy: Phil, you have two whole days to yourself. Please tell me you're not gonna spend them trying to wire the house to your iPad.
- Phil Dunphy: Nope, 'cause I've already done it. I think when you get home, you're gonna be very surprised to see that this house has an actual functioning brain in it.
- Claire Dunphy: Great. Great. Now go out and see some friends.
- Phil Dunphy: I'm headed out now. I have a third showing at that colonial. Cam gave me a free pass to his gym. I am...
- [turning on the lights]
- Phil Dunphy: ...not too bright.
- Claire Dunphy: Mm.
- Phil Dunphy: I am...
- [turning the lights down]
- Phil Dunphy: ...dim!
- Claire Dunphy: Honey, if you could hear yourself.
- Cameron Tucker: We have the most amazing gift for Jay and Gloria's nursery.
- Mitchell Pritchett: It was Cam's idea, and it's a pretty big swing.
- Cameron Tucker: It's not a swing. It's not a swing. I just need Jay and Gloria out of the house for a minimum of four hours so I can have my crew install it.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Simple.
- Claire Dunphy: Alex wins things, which is great. But she puts so much pressure on herself. I... I almost wish she would lose this year. Plus, that way, I could go on the waterslide. It's got a corkscrew, two-second freefall, and a radar gun at the bottom.
- [a little mortified as realization dawns on her]
- Claire Dunphy: I'm Phil.
- Claire Dunphy: Honey, we have an hour until the competition. Do you want to go to the contestants' mixer?
- Alex Dunphy: No, I don't want to humanize them.
- Manny Delgado: How can she not be here, either? This is hopeless.
- Luke Dunphy: Have a little faith. Did the Jews give up when the Egyptians chased them to the banks of the Red Sea?
- Manny Delgado: How do you know all this stuff?
- Luke Dunphy: Was I the only one listening to Uncle Menachem's toast?
- Manny Delgado: Well, I'm glad it worked out for the ancient Jews, but at the moment, I don't see God doing me any...
- Luke Dunphy: [spotting Manny's crush and her friends] Look!
- Security Guard: [stopping him as he approaches her] I'm not gonna embarrass you, but you got one minute to get out of here. You, too.
- Luke Dunphy: It's for the best. All this sneaking around was kind of weighing on me. Let's just grab our gift bags and go.
- Manny Delgado: No. I still have 50 seconds.
- [approacing his crush]
- Manny Delgado: Excuse me. Hi. My name is Manny Delgado, and I've been searching for you since you smiled at me in the lobby today; maybe even my whole life. It's too late for us to have the magical night I was hoping for, but it's not too late for us to have a memento of what might have been. I'll be waiting.
- [leaving, he heads into the photo; after a moment, she smiles and follows him]