Patrick Warburton: Joe Swanson

Joe's Revenge

Joe Swanson

Joe Swanson: [holds Briggs at gunpoint] You're not gonna get away this time, you son of a bitch!
Bobby Briggs: [holds up his hands in surrender] Please, don't kill me! I'm not married! My life is awesome!
Joe Swanson: I've waited 15 years for this moment, Briggs. Do you have any idea what it's like to have to lift yourself into a wheelchair every morning? To have your wife look at you like you're half a man? To get preferential parking? To board a plane early with the first-class people and gold card members? All right, it's not all bad. But I'm not going to kill you. I'm not an animal like you.
Bobby Briggs: [last words] So, what are you going to do, arrest me?
Joe Swanson: No. I don't arrest cripples.
[shoots Briggs in both legs and Briggs falls backwards to the ground, groaning]
Joe Swanson: By the way, you're under arrest. I only said that last thing cause it seemed cool.
[Peter and Quagmire ran up to Joe]
Peter Griffin: Oh, my God, that was so awesome. I saw everything. You were all like...
[deep mumbling]
Peter Griffin: And Briggs was all like...
[high-pitched mumbling]
Peter Griffin: And then you were all like...
[mimics two gunshots]
Peter Griffin: And then Briggs's legs were like...
[mimics video game sound effects from Pac-Man]
Joe Swanson: [sees Briggs dead] Oh, crap, he's dead. I think he bled out. I must have hit the femoral artery.
Glenn Quagmire: Ah, just kick him into Mexico.
[kicks Briggs's body into the Rio Grande river]

Peter Griffin: Joe, if they don't find this guy, it's gonna eat you alive for the rest of you life. You got to take matters into your own hands. You got to go after this guy.
Joe Swanson: But that's a breach of police protocol.
Peter Griffin: This isn't about you as a cop. This is about you as a man. Come on. What do you say? Quagmire and I will help you bring this guy to justice.
Glenn Quagmire: [chuckles and grins, then talks through his gritted teeth] Peter, what did I say about you volunteering me for shit?

Glenn Quagmire: Why would the cops arrest us instead of going after Briggs?
[Joe looks at one of the cops' name tag with "Flannigan" on it]
Joe Swanson: Flannigan? Wait a minute. That's one of the corrupt who helped harbor Briggs while he was on the lam for 15 years. These guys are bad news.
Peter Griffin: Oh my God! What are they going to do to us?
Glenn Quagmire: We're not going to stick around to find out. Joe, hold your handcuffs over my lap.
[Unzips his pants]
Joe Swanson: What the hell is that?
Glenn Quagmire: Swiss-Army penis.
[Quagmire cuts through Joe's handcuffs]
Joe Swanson: Wow, Quagmire! That's great.
Glenn Quagmire: Peter?
[Quagmire tries to cut through Peter's handcuffs, but couldn't]
Glenn Quagmire: Yours are made of a stronger metal. We're going to have to go with the acetylene torch penis.
[activates his acetylene torch penis]
Glenn Quagmire: Don't... don't look right at it. My STDs help it burn brighter.
[successfully cuts through Peter's handcuffs]
Joe Swanson: The keys are in the ignition. Let's go!
[Peter climbs over into the driver's seat, and he, Joe, and Quagmire drive off in the police cruiser]
Flannigan: I told you to search that guy's penis.
Flannigan's Partner: You say that about everybody.